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Home » High Critique » All Opinions are appreciated 'The Chiming Winter'

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/6/2012 12:16:36 PM

Jewel Seuss
Posts: 3
She breathes a white mist. Her soul shivered.

Her heart now dissipates on ice,

The snow falls silent, a note unheard.

Belief falters of the Jesus Christ.

It's hot; The salty beads tease her

But her cares are frozen still.

Her naivete of life has dispersed;

In a soundless second, her hope is killed.




The colours are raw.




It is winter now where it was summer then.

Her face is dead, covered with frost.

She cursed her flaws in heat, now winter made its descent.

The cold wind blows colder,

Her aspirations gone dead pale.

What she feared most held onto her

The ice consumes her warmth, a freezing veil.




"Jesus...why Jesus?"




The sweat is overpowering.

Between her legs dries under the sun.

She hears the melody of his belt singing.

Her scream doesn't bother...her reality cannot be undone.




"Why me Lord? Why me who never sins?"

Silence. It could have been worsened.

Praise be to Him that your life is now ruined

Instead of it stripped away and taken.




Praise be to God for He is good.
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9/16/2012 4:30:39 AM

Amy Green
Posts: 8
wow, I will have to say this is the best one I have read in a very long time. You have rythm, meter, vocab, reason, intrigue, beauty, ugliness... Normally I stay away from ANYTHING with the word Jesus on it for it's usually someone whining, over and over whining. This was.... amazing, change nothing I say.
Amy Green
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