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Roy Jerden's Blog

About Roy Jerden
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I starting writing poetry again in 2012 after a 50 year hiatus.

Born and raised in West Texas, I lived all over the area as a child until my mother remarried, as my father was in the oil drilling business, which required constant moving. I grew up in San Angelo, home of Fort Concho and the Buffalo Soldiers, but spent quite a few summers working on my grandpa's farm in the Texas Hill Country.

I met my wife Toni while I was stationed at Aviano AFB, Italy. I learned to speak Italian fluently and we still speak it at home interchangeably with English. My three sons, all born in Italy after I got out of the USAF, also speak Italian.

We moved back to the USA in 1972 and settled in Missouri, where I went back to school.

We moved to Atlanta in 1988, when Toni relocated here with AT&T. I got a job with McKesson (then HBOC) working with medical information systems, which started my career in this field. I had a natural talent for application design and parlayed this talent into a great R&D management position with an internet startup.

We are now retired. We spend time traveling the world and visiting our grandchildren in CA and NC. We also spend some time in Italy almost every year visiting and traveling with friends in Europe as we have a small apartment there in Sacile near Aviano, not far from Venice.

My other passions are mushroom hunting (the edible kind), gourmet cooking and bread baking.


And that's when the fight started...


Blog Posted:2/21/2014 9:34:00 AM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And that's when the fight started...

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started...
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

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  1. Date: 2/27/2014 4:19:00 PM
    Haha!!!Thumbs up : )

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  1. Date: 2/25/2014 2:09:00 AM
    These were great. I needed the laughs

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  1. Date: 2/24/2014 1:01:00 PM
    Read these to the guys at work this morning...we were all cracking up...gonna read them to my wife when I get home..;

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  1. Date: 2/24/2014 11:25:00 AM
    Im here again ... still laughing! : D

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 6:37:00 PM
    hahaha. GREAT jokes!!! Love the "disability" one. As for the scale going 1 to 150, I'd have been thrilled to hear that one!! 150 ain't such a bad weight!

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 3:56:00 PM
    Waaaaaaaaaaaaa hahhahahhahahahhaha! I can't stop laughing!!!! I can't choose the best one ... they're allllll terrific! Thans for the laugh, Roy!

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    Jerden Avatar Roy Jerden Date: 2/21/2014 4:27:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    I like the Millionaire and the mirror ones the best. Cheers, Roy
  1. Date: 2/21/2014 12:17:00 PM
    bravo Roy needed the laugh lol xx

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 11:43:00 AM
    LOL!!!

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 11:16:00 AM
    TREMENDOUS! I can't wait for my Hubby to get home from work so I can read them to him!

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 10:50:00 AM
    Hilarious, Roy! Had to send them to my mom and dad; I know they'll get a kick out of them, too! Thanks for posting :)

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 10:26:00 AM
    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 9:43:00 AM
    Thanks, Roy, I really needed this laugh this morning. My favorite is the first, of course, the driveway with the toothbrush, and then the ss office. so funny. Thanks for sharing these. love and hugs, catie :)

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  1. Date: 2/21/2014 9:39:00 AM
    OH MY FAREEKING GOODNESS!!! LOLOL My co-worker just came over to see what in the world was wrong with me. I REAALLY have to stop coming here on my down times! LOLOL ROY Wherever did you find these?!!!

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My Past Blog Posts

 
"AT SEVENTEEN"
Date Posted: 9/30/2014 10:57:00 AM
Cowboys in the Badlands - Part 3 and Epilogue - Roy Jerden
Date Posted: 9/25/2014 3:41:00 PM
Cowboys in the Badlands Part 2 - Roy Jerden
Date Posted: 9/21/2014 7:30:00 PM
Cowboys in the Badlands Part 1 - Roy Jerden
Date Posted: 9/19/2014 10:32:00 PM
The Pedicure Virgin
Date Posted: 9/11/2014 8:19:00 PM
How to make an image out of a long poem
Date Posted: 9/3/2014 12:58:00 PM
How to do a scansion of your poem to verify the meter
Date Posted: 8/19/2014 6:03:00 PM
Too Subtle?
Date Posted: 8/15/2014 1:39:00 PM
New Feature -Poet's Notes About the Poem
Date Posted: 8/2/2014 12:31:00 PM
Free Verse: Start here or finish here
Date Posted: 7/21/2014 7:04:00 PM
Bogus Entries in Contests
Date Posted: 7/19/2014 6:46:00 AM
Punctuation and Capitalization in Poetry
Date Posted: 7/18/2014 6:35:00 PM
About Poem/Poem Notes/Inspiration, etc.
Date Posted: 7/18/2014 8:17:00 AM
Bawdy Limericks II Judged
Date Posted: 7/6/2014 2:48:00 PM
To Footnote or Not to Footnote?
Date Posted: 7/3/2014 8:47:00 PM
User trying to set a password
Date Posted: 6/24/2014 10:01:00 PM
Centering, Bolding, and Italicizing in a Poem
Date Posted: 6/9/2014 9:51:00 PM
Bawdy Limerick Contest Complete
Date Posted: 6/7/2014 4:38:00 PM
Limerick Contest Update - Last chance
Date Posted: 5/27/2014 5:31:00 PM
Bonnie Parker's Poetry
Date Posted: 5/24/2014 2:48:00 PM
Limerick Contest Update
Date Posted: 5/22/2014 2:48:00 PM
Kudos on the Miltonic Sonnet Contest
Date Posted: 5/13/2014 4:06:00 PM
Limerick Contest
Date Posted: 5/4/2014 7:56:00 PM
Roy's Ramblings - The Final Invention
Date Posted: 5/4/2014 9:42:00 AM
Contest Enhancements I'd Like to See
Date Posted: 4/24/2014 10:12:00 AM

My Poems

123
Date PostedPoem TitleFormCategories
9/22/2014I'm a 4Clerihewtribute,
9/15/2014The Empty QuarterAlliterationearth,nature,stars,
8/31/2014Bad GoldilocksAbecedarianhumorous,
8/25/2014Pussy RiotChastushkahumor,
8/23/2014Matryoshkan MultiverseHaibunhumor,
8/18/2014A Roll of Duct Tape - FootleFootlehumor,
8/10/2014The New OneBlank versedark,
8/5/2014Picket Tupp and Poteeta WheyQuatrainchild,children,
7/22/2014A Brush of WingsVersebird,
7/16/2014Great A'Tuin - the Giant Star TurtleHaibundeath,journey,stars,
7/13/2014Blood on the SaddleLimerickfunny,vacation,
7/8/2014Willow: A FableRhymechildren,death,dream,fant
6/30/2014Ragnarok: The StormEpyllionweather,
6/28/2014Dante's PathQuatrainspiritual,
6/11/2014Bill's DrillLimerickhumorous,
5/26/2014Albert EinsteinClerihewhumorous,science,
5/22/2014John Cougar MellencampClerihewbio,humorous,
5/19/2014SoupQuatrainpoetry,satire,
5/14/2014Into the SunlightHaikunature,
5/12/2014RainierHaikunature,
5/9/2014JanuariesHaikunature,
5/7/2014Jonah Falcon He's NotLimerickfunny,
5/6/2014The Well Traveled LinguistLimerickhumorous,
5/5/2014Raise the MastLimerickhumorous,
5/4/2014Are you glad to see me or is that just a wrinkleLimerickage,funny,
123

My Photos


Fav Poems

Poem TitleFormCategories
AmazementFree verseplaces,voice,life,voice,
Pearl DivingQuatrainlove,
Slow Movin TightsBalladme,red,women,
That Night We KissedRondeauromanceheart,night,heart,
A Voice In The WindRhymeimagination,nature,
StaySonnetlife,self,self,
Within a StormSonnetinspirational,
Sailing the Seas In A Pecan TreeRhymeadventure,old,
Soul of the PoetQuatrainfarewell,poems,poetess,
GenerationsEpicbirth,death,hope,life,
MuseFree versewords,writing,
Falling upwardRhymeanger,angst,bereavement,b
WordsRhymelove,words,song,song,
No Longer Mourn for Me When I Am DeadLyricdeath,faith,religious,

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