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Noah Exposed: How The Western Lands Came To Be (Part I)
Blog Posted:10/2/2012 2:38:00 PM
It was a dark and stormy night -- No! No! NO! -- It was a cloudless, balmy spring day, when Sky-Woman leaned too far over the edge of Sky World, lost her balance, and plummeted from the heavens, splashing down into the World of Water, below.
This was during the world's history when the planet was completely covered in water,
the Old Lands submerged far below the surface of saltiness.
Even if Sky-Woman hadn't been able to swim, Sky-People cannot drown, so she made the best of her situation by floating on her back, letting the ocean currents move her along.
Sky-Woman was not one to complain, always putting a positive spin on life.
Sky-People don't sleep, nor eat; time is relative for a Sky-Person.
For the sake of this tale, Sky-Woman floated around for at least 10,000 years according to a Gregorian calendar. For Sky-Woman, this amount of time was equal to a long afternoon nap for a hue.man being.
Sky-Woman was floating along, thinking of nothing profound in particular, when she glimpsed something in her periphery. It was a white vessel, the most enormous canoe that she had ever seen....it had been over 10,000 years since she had seen anything but water and sky. The Great White Canoe was headed straight towards where she was leisurely floating, so she paddled off to the left a bit.
As the ship passed by, a rope ladder was flung over the vessel's hull, and Sky-Woman spied wot appeared to be a brown-skinned face covered in a bushy white beard. The brown man began frantically waving, motioning for her to grab onto the passing ladder. Intrigued at encountering the first hue.man after such a long period of time, Sky-Woman grabbed onto the passing rope ladder, climbed with lithe agility.
Vaulting over the railing, Sky-Woman was initially accosted by the overwhelming stench and sounds of animals. A cacophony of screeches, howls, and twitterings arose from somewhere within the belly of the beast.
Secondly, Sky-Woman was accosted by the sight of the brown man's robes pitching a tent in the nether-regions. Sky-People don't wear clothes, have never worn clothes, and the little brown man was obviously enthralled by the nude, classic beauty standing before him; complete with a divine touch of voluptuous curve.
"Who....who -- who are you!? What were you doing in the water? I thought God said that everyone else would drown for their sins!"
(Now, the two characters understand each other, able to communicate in a common language. I completely understand how this is a major incongruency in the story, but I am merely a messenger.)
"My name is Sky-Woman. I fell out of the Sky World into the World of Water. I do not know who this 'Dog' of yours is. Who are you? Where did you get such a giant canoe from?"
The brown man's eyes bulged incredulously. "You, you -- you don't know who God is!? If you don't know who God is, then how did you survive the Flood of Sin!? Fell from the sky!? The sky!" Pausing to attempt a lame maneuver at hiding his protruding robe, he continued, "My name is Noah. I assume 'canoe' means ship to you....well, I built this ship with my family. It is called an Ark. We are carrying animals, waiting for the Flood to diminish so we can repopulate a new world; a world without sin."
"Your family? Where is your family? With the animals inside of the canoe?" Sky-Woman retorted.
"Yes, tending to the animals below. It isn't going well with the animals at the moment; a lot of disease and general unrest. God said it would take a while, but I didn't imagine having to wait this long! Nevermind that for now, beautiful woman. How about the two of us make some whoopee! Yes, let's get jiggy, baby!"
By this point, it looked as if Noah was trying to hide a stray gherkin in the front of his robes. Sky-Woman backed-away from the little horny, brown man. "I believe that you have the wrong idea. I don't feel like making whoopee with you....besides, even if I wanted to, you have a wife."
"Don't you worry about my wife, you sexy mama!" Noah blurted. "I am going to make you wife number two....hell, forget that! You are going to be wife number one! Wow! What an upgrade! Oh, most merciful Lord, thank you for bringing me such a gorgeous wife! Praise be to you, almighty God!"
With that, Noah began chasing Sky-Woman around the deck of the Great White Canoe, yelling loudly how his God had ordained her to be his new wife, but Sky-Woman was far too spritely to get caught by Noah's lustful clutches. Seeing the situation quickly eroding, Sky-Woman gracefully dove off the Great White Canoe, into the water below. Looking up, she saw Noah pumping his fists in fury, unleashing a string of expletives.
As the Great White Canoe passed by, two sea turtles tumbled over the edge, splashing down next to Sky-Woman. One of the turtles said, "You are most welcome to climb upon my back if you so wish."(Of course, sea turtles usually aren't known for speaking English; neither are Sky-People for that matter; but these are special sea turtles. I must admit that I quite fancy English-speaking sea turtle. As for why and how sea turtles had been housed in the Great White Canoe, again, I am merely a messenger of the Ancients).
"Thank you for the offer, kind turtle, but I enjoy floating in the water. It calms me. Why did you jump ship?" Sky-Woman asked.
"We heard the commotion earlier, and decided to make a break for it. We dig your vibe, sweet woman. Listening to Noah rant and rave about Sin and the Devil all day long, becomes insufferable. Goodness, wot an absolutely righteous wack-job!"
The sea turtle was interrupted by two ducks skimming down into the water. They swam over to the sea turtle, clumsily clamored aboard its shell, issuing a series of excited quacks(ducks do not speak English like sea turtles do. Ducks speak Quackanese, a most delightfully quirky language. The ducks basically echoed the same sentiments as the sea turtles, with the addition of having also become weary of the frightful stench and noise on-board the Great White Canoe).
Understanding how this period in the world's history was highly supernatural, after resting, and incidentally waiting for the Great White Canoe to disappear on the horizon, the ducks began diving to the bottom of the ocean, coming back up with mud on their bills; dumping the mud onto the backs of both sea turtles.
Once the backs of the sea turtles were entirely covered in mud, the turtles began growing larger and larger, until their feet touched the ocean floor.
Trees, shrubs, grasses and flowers began sprouting up from the mud located on-top of the ever-growing sea turtles.
Eventually, the female sea turtle turned into wot is now known as South America, and the male sea turtle became present-day North America.
There is a lot of history between then and now, including how the other animals originated on both continents, and wot ended-up happening with Sky-Woman. Yes, the first hue.manoid to ever walk the Western Lands, was a woman. Go figure.