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  1. Date: 10/9/2012 6:30:00 AM
    Depression & Despair, can't seem to get along well, better be in repair!.. Nice work mam..i like it..

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  1. Date: 10/8/2012 2:58:00 PM
    I love the rhythm and rhyme, subject matter--well, I just really like it! But then, I'm just a rookie.

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  1. Date: 10/8/2012 12:05:00 AM
    Hi Joann, I L O V E D the flow of the words! it could be lyrics for a rap. Nice reading. I was a bee-boppen in the chair through it all! No need for brutal remarks on this one:-)

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 10:17:00 PM
    Hullo, Joann. I agree that the back-and-forth dialogue in the beginning, might be confusing for some readers. "Your depression got no expression, cut impressions in your skin; your obsession leads to aggression slanted within. don’t repress it, I confess it all seems maudlin." -- Those two stanzas are my favourite part; a good strong flow and beat there, and 'skin' rhyming with 'within' and 'maudlin' in a completely different stanza, adds a great effect for me....the flow isn't broken, while adding extra flavour and dimension. I'd re-format/change the 1st part(a little? Not even sure how off-hand), but all-in-all, a neat concept piece that was more interesting to read than most of the poems I have recently read on the Soup; I didn't fall asleep while reading. Instant points in my books for just that alone.

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 8:21:00 PM
    Joann....you can always tweak it if YOU wish, in my opinion one of the qualities of PS is the workshop aspect....much of my work, I let simmer on the soup....listen to feedback and then adjust (except if dg gives advice! jk! dg!!! had to drop it!)...the journey is as fun as the destination...love, jimbo

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 5:29:00 PM
    I thank everyone for comments. They have been most helpful.

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 5:28:00 PM
    Dialogue poems aren't all that common. I've read dramatic monologues, where the voice in the poem talks to another character ( but the readers don't hear the other character's responses; they have to infer what she/he says). Sylvia Plath wrote "Dialogue Between Ghost And Priest" ...check it out: http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/sylviaplath/1390 My questions are: Which is the point of using a dialogue? What message/emotion/idea you want to transmit with it? I hope my comment is not brutal! : )

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 5:25:00 PM
    I like this one..Can't think for the life of me what it is called..Narrative maybe..Can't remember..That would be bad state of affairs to have depression and despair fighting inside my head..Sara

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 3:03:00 PM
    The opening lines are good. You might want to capitalize the words Depression and Despair (for effect). I would write the stanzas in mono rhyme. Dropping "in your skin", etc. It will have more of the rhythm of rap, which would suit the subject and the swing between the two "voices". Regarding your "addiction": as long as you do not have to book into a clinic for it, anything goes... :-)) Love, Suzette

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 2:15:00 PM
    As the most venerable Debbie would say HMMMM, and I hear Debbie, but when one, as it seems here, is arguing with themselves which so often happens with a mind in this state, there is no separation of characters unless a psychopathic multi personality exists. I think you are arguing with yourself here and it's more like a slam. I like the Rolling Stones start and the fight for sanity (I think with yourself) and somewhat sad, sad that though a loser, ironically you are lonely because your alter ego is gone and you can't even argue with yourself anymore---talk about alone!! I LIKE IT!!

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 1:15:00 PM
    well it's not clear who's saying what if character #1 is Depression [personified] and character #2 is Despair, then Depression is leaving a VERY clear impression by cutting itself and bleeding? Why would Despair be giving Cutting Depression a pep talk? Then kinda calling the 'torured soul' a pansy when it calls it [maudlin] that's a very girlie word? Why is despair walking on air? I guess Depression is saying despair is less depressed than it is? BUT why? How does this show?

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  1. Date: 10/6/2012 12:41:00 PM
    Joann honesty does not have to be brutal, I think it is really difficult to change the way someone speaks (dialect) I personnally don't think the 4th stanza is needed, (Aww man) it adds nothing to the poem, othwise I can see where you are coming from and going to, and maybe it could have been much harsher...just my 50pence worth...David

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