Poetry Forum

auz - all messages by user

6/8/2010 12:39:06 AM
race	People find it easier coping in the world by making generalizations. In that case, we depend often on our prejudices, and when it comes to race, it a high probability to work. Why, you may ask? Because of culture. A nation state controls and cultures their people, and when one of those people visit other cultures, the resident of those people create generalizations or biases towards the visiting people. The reason why racism becomes at fault is because the world is diverse now, people from different countries occupy different soil this days and when one creates a generalization on a person's skin, they are now often mistaken on their prejudice because they don't know that the person they are actually generalizing was not cultured by their nationality but by other places
6/9/2010 7:56:23 AM
Reflections	I'm just going to get my point across. The initial problem I see here is that you use too many words, too many lines to give out a message. As a consequence, the poem becomes boring, it obviously lack figures of speech. First rule in poetry as well is that you should SHOW AND NOT TELL. An abundance use of words often just works on narrative or prose poetry. Here's an example from Jeffrey McDaniel's poem that easily defeats or reciprocates your first stanza: I remember your eyes: fifty attack dogs on a single leash. ^ Sense the use of imagery and metaphor there. And he limited what you have written in four long lines to one single short line. I can explain further if you have any question. But if that's the style you want to keep, then fine.
6/10/2010 4:15:50 AM
Reflections	If you're really passionate in re-modeling your old poem, then may I suggest starting first with writing for yourself a detailed expression about each stanza. In that case, you'll know what you intend to say and would therefore give yourself an organized step ladder on how you want your poem to be. If what you want to show in the first stanza is the feeling of the narrator of self-alienation that doesn't only hurt him/herself but also the loved one, then ask yourself (for the sake of improvement), how can you show that poetically? What figures of speech could you use? example: Just like how Lot never turned his back, leaving his past behind with the heart of his wife slowly turning into stone. - just a sudden type there. Here we may see a biblical metaphor of the narrator being Lot (who was asked by an angel, together with his wife to not look behind them while the city was burning, or else they would turn into stone). In the metaphor, Lot (the narrator) did not bother looking back (at the past), but his wife (narrator's loved one) did, because its the human thing to do (to reflect at the past) - to view human suffering and feel sympathy), and in turn, Lot's wife was the one who suffered (turn into stone), well metaphorically speaking, the "she" in your first stanza suffers from what Lot (the narrator) couldn't see. ^ Now if you do use this metaphor, there would be a consequence of maybe using the same metaphor for the whole poem. But since you plan on re-modeling this old poem, I don't think you should end up writing more than 4 stanzas to get your point across. Good luck and I'll keep commenting if you need anymore help.
5/24/2011 12:52:53 AM
Untitled	simple poem really, so there's no title yet. Drenched by the breath of summer heat, I’ve decided to dig for the bullets of words you lodged in my brain. It is true you are not special. You do not possess the hands that could sculpt a mountain. Or the voice that could forge the sound of autumn rain. The glare of your smile does not offer the same gentle pain, as the flares of the sun. And your eyes are not the diamonds locked inside a crippled chest, asleep between the toes of an ocean. No, you are not at all special. You are only the air that is free for anyone to breathe, the same air that I borrow for my petty needs. And yes, you are most definitely not special. For if you choose to disappear inside a vacuum, even for just a while... I and the lungs you gave life, will empty into a void. And nothing in my finite existence can ever call you home.
5/25/2011 7:28:21 AM
The Dreaming Tree	Your honest opinion will really be appreciated. It is not the pale moon that brought you here nor the longing for a sober night. There is a sliding melody between your footsteps, and your lips whisper a song full of vowels to the wind. I can read the sorrow in your eyes, better than the scintillating symmetry of the stars. And if you could feel the pulse of my quivering roots underneath the weary soles of your feet, you may know how to use my branches for lumber during those nights when you need warmth. Use my leaves as shelter, when the falling snow seeks to numb your skin. When you are angry, you are free to peel off parts of me. And carve out little bits of your secret thoughts on my bark when you are lonely. All I want, is to be the shade that protects you from the scorching eyes of the world.
pages: 1 2