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MorePancakes! - all messages by user

5/8/2010 2:14:21 PM
punched in face by fist in face	I'd take out the inner commentary within the poem...by that I mean everything that isn't a clear description o the pain or the sequenceof actions...which are by far the best parts of the poem... fr example, I'd x the following: "yeah thats quite etertaining...funny on your own," and "Homeward bound I headed....neither will its contents" Those step-back-and-evaluate lines ten to slow or full-on break the stride of the piece...and I suspect, with the strength and visceral imagery and description of your meat-and-potatoe lines (those dealng more intimately with the violent moments) subtracting the lesser-impact lines will bring this even more to life...
5/8/2010 7:20:12 PM
Dolphin	I was pulling strings of beads-- They were dancing! I lumbered to a lull, The lighted eyes raying me--I shot upwards! A rebounding blue casket flash, I slide onto wet wood as Wendell Dropped salt spit from his brow, Patting me tender, Wendell lived aone, With the many fresh faces rolling along the lawns, Pattering and clopping against the silent realm of the wood, Piercing my silvering sounds, The pier from below provided shuttering glimpses of the Great Blue and White. There was always a party with Wendell... Woven in nature's disgonal rings, as they appear against the sun, There is some irate lust for hman-human companionship, Mad scientists run a-muck about the land, All on differeing timetables, differeing desires, Rarely allowin the opportunity to walk around their own body, To view themselves as semi-self-constructed circuitry With a thirst for air me.
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