Poetry Forum

dWite - all messages by user

5/27/2016 2:05:46 AM
Darren	Many people tell me to start doing more with my poems than just share them with friends. I write my own poems. My poetry is about survival. I have been in a terrible abusive situation, I survived it and am working my way to physical and mental health. My poems are a reflection of this.
5/5/2017 3:28:27 AM
Violin	I wrote this poem in 2016, about a month after I started writing poetry in English. Although I am fond of the poem, I'd like to hear some serious criticism on how I could improve myself, not just the imagery, choice of words, but also rhyme, meter, and choice of rhyme form. Anything is welcome, thank you *** Closing my eyes I can see you again My whirligig, dancing as if on water Not watching my fingers play Bow loosely threaded like your bangs Red reflected in the flames behind you Bouncing warmth and longing While my hands tire, arms sink My violin hits the ground... I hear them say Boy, play me some more, their faces Grey and distorted... all I want to see Is you, all I want is your husky voice The rasp of fresh beard on my skin Walking to the dying fire, trampling ashes Raising my arms and once more seeing You, arms around me, dancing together Your soft hum in my ear, while you hold my Violin high, bowing for me, striking a chord forever in my heart *** August 2016 Copyright © Darren White edited by dWite on 5/5/2017 edited by dWite on 5/23/2017
5/8/2017 12:17:25 PM
How do I get more comments/opinions from readers	You do it all right Lenna, comment on others, read blogs, do a contest here and there. That's what you do and then slowly you get more comments, just give it time, it took me really a few months before it really took off like a speed boat
5/19/2017 2:22:25 PM
PROPER CRITIQUE ETTIQUETTE	I like this, and I agree. I personally welcome critique on my writing. I welcome it on the 'normal' and I would welcome it here. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.# Your point #4 I would like to add or argue that some poems are deliberately kept vague, not everything should have to be explained, some ambiguity is attractive. If it is needed to be able to give decent critique, yes then I agree edited by dWite on 5/19/2017
5/21/2017 12:31:34 PM
Violin	Oh boy.... I really wish we would get a notification when someone replies to your forum posts... I only see this now. Thank you for replying to my test-post. I was mostly posting here to see if the forum gets livelier, it's not really the most visited place on Soup. Thank you for your comments. You are absolutely right what the -ing words are concerned. This is one of my earliest poems I've written in English, and I wasn't aware of this. I hope that in my more recent poems I have improved this (I do believe they belong in a poem, just not too many!) Eyes and dancing. You are right! Do you know I had not even noticed that until you mentioned it? What exactly do you mean by "beau". You mean the word we usually differently use: "boo"? Thanks, Darren. edited by dWite on 5/21/2017
5/22/2017 6:47:40 AM
Violin	Yes, exactly... We say "boo" instead, so I was a little confused if that was what you were hinting at. Merci beaucoup!
5/23/2017 7:48:42 AM
Violin	I id edit some. If I am to work more beau into the poem, I'd better rewrite it completely. If I do that, I will start a new thread, but it will take some time
6/18/2017 3:51:50 PM
Please tear my poem about my bulimia apart	I think one of the main problems is that is is very "telling", a description of what is happening. I know it is very difficult to step out of oneself, and then to write in poetic language. But it is the main problem with your poem. I am having a different problematic relation with food. If I would write a poem about it, I might try for the first few lines something like this: Five o'clock, I plate the plate with: 20 peas 1 potato 1000 stares, arranging rearranging counting 21 Will there be ease, will the fragrance of freshly cooked peas ever be the best scent ever? See? I am not claiming this to be a wonderful poem, I just quickly wrote a few lines for you, maybe it is helpful or not. I hope it helped you on your way.
7/28/2017 2:48:12 AM
without a kiss/high critique	I would like to read this again, but I would like to ask you first to add a few white lines. It is a block of text now, and it doesn't read easy.
8/1/2017 11:44:07 PM
I NEED FEEDBACK!!!11(the 1 was on purpose I swear)	I would advice you to get rid of all the code first by editing it away, and while you're at it, have a look at the words that are glued together. And then I promise I will read it edited by dWite on 8/1/2017
8/2/2017 8:15:38 AM
I NEED FEEDBACK!!!11(the 1 was on purpose I swear)	First of all, I would like to say that you write well, no doubt about that. Second is: next time please put up only one poem at a time, so we can read and comment per poem, deal? Here I will only comment on your first poem, and come back later for the others. A question first about your poem: Now she's here. I am thinking that it could be performed on stage, as SLAM, or better even Spoken Word. In that case I'd not change much if I were you, because it needs to be wordy, verbose. If you wrote it as written poem, there are some parts of the poem that are strong and stand out, and some parts that are not very clear, like this one: "Why would you do that? Why didn’t you say this? She said. And it all connects, All builds up, Every thread. Until there’s just one big Knot in my head." To me it would become more clear if you, after the first stanza, would move to the third, and omit there the first word "So". And I am not sure if you should keep the second stanza at all, in a way you can do without. Always your own choice, but I hope my remarks are helpful edited by dWite on 8/2/2017
8/29/2017 2:58:39 AM
Midlife Crises: comments please.	Because of the single lines between stanzas, I am not sure if there is a poetic form that exactly covers this, but otherwise I would call it couplets, If you want all of your stanzas and lines the same length, i.e. 8 syllables, then there are more lines in your poem that do not fit. If you don't mind that, I'd leave it as is, and focus more on the natural flow of your lines. For the most part that works well, but for instance a line like: "Time has placed them beyond my grasp" 'stutters' a little, if you see what I mean.
8/29/2017 3:00:50 AM
Still my first poem ever, updated. Slam is hard	Self defence is good too, it depends on where you live how it is spelled
9/12/2017 12:42:07 AM
Don't ask for critique	Everything posted here is for the purpose of receiving critique Instead post the title of your poem.
9/12/2017 12:47:54 AM
Critique please. Is it poetry or song?	I agree with Jack Webster. I only want to add that parts of what you write are 'telling'. You could cut a few stanzas here and there and STILL your message is a good one. This means there are too many words here and there. As an example to make it less abstract: what would happen if you left out this stanza? "Perfectly played you’ve planted the guilt how dare we believe what we think we have felt" Try it out
9/12/2017 2:29:25 PM
Don't ask for critique	I give up facepalm
9/22/2017 12:19:05 AM
Don't ask for critique	No, you rewrite it here, but PLEEEAAASSSEEE don't ask fro critique in the header Phil edited by dWite on 9/22/2017
10/1/2017 6:45:36 AM
Advice for a beginner	Palley Gordon, if you want critique on your poem, you have to start a topic yourself. Not post a poem in someone elses thread. Michael, Your poem has potential. I love the little list you wrote. It is JUST small enough for the repetition to not be too much. Or else it would become boring. Also, Please don't say U, use 'you'. Nor say Ill where you mean I'll. I like your poem, there is one thing I would advice you against, using too many -ing words. You use them here as a 'forced' or slant rhyming device. I would have loved the poem more if you put in effort to make a true (but difficult) monorhyme poem.
10/2/2017 1:21:02 PM
Advice for a beginner	You're welcome. It is first and foremost your poem, and everything I say, or someone else says, are only suggestions. For you to follow or to dismiss. Good luck
10/6/2017 10:21:12 AM
Please Critique My poem and Give Feedback :)	You have written your poem in couplets (2-line rhymes). If you would add a whiteline after every 2 or 4 lines, it would read easier. I have a hard time reading texts without paragraphs, and it's one of the reasone I skipped over your poem at first. The person above me said it all, really. The poem itself is beautiful, what you want to say too, but it would greatly improve by cadence.
pages: 1 2