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4/16/2016 4:29:05 PM
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An Inn and a Tavern - by -Bob Atkinson
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Totally like the theme.... I have a poem called "Cuervo's Conquest" .... it has a similar, yet slightly more vulgar theme... I have a few suggestions on some wording... you can take them or leave it... But, here it is....
First line... The tavern openly our host, with win (we) fill our gut?
food, drinks, and pleasantries
those goodies all in a bunch... (only because the gut and bunch are a stronger soft rhyme than gut and bunched, don't even know if you were going for that soft rhyme, but it seemed like it.)
A suggestion... next stanza....
with wench I flirt sincerely
and we spend our meager pay (used pay, because you can rhyme it with the next line if you change that just a slight bit.) Many games, songs to sing, new stories told all day.... or just stories told all day....
next stanza.... an inn, on one hand, serves us beer or ale. A bed for us to sleep in, the bathroom is a pale.
(just rewording.... if you like it, keep it) Next, We call them public houses, pubs, if I haven't got the time. before tipping glass to lips, my cross eyes start to cry, or lie... my cross eyes always lie......
next line... kegs are full, instead of stay...
stanza or two down... Cross your eyes at this revision, of our social norms, normalcy detracts our self nature, breeding emotional pawns
Ignore our animal instincts, refusing even fact, not machines of fixed value, seen enough of that.
we need to decide in unison, here on judgment day. Continue on as Animals, or become machine's prey
those who find correctness, the better way to go, Please think it through completely, before our sky begins to snow.
Truly it is snow, we are being fed, to keep us each in line. Shouldn't we have some fun with this, our short and mortal lives.....
I don't know... I hope your not mad I tried to change some stuff around... I just love word play and non sense... I am also a never ending tweaker, I can never leave my work alone. I will change everything five hundred times..... Drives me nuts, and I am probably now driving you nuts as well. Anyways, I hope you don't take offense. Besides the word play, I enjoy the theme... an Avid party/bar goer myself....
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4/23/2016 6:55:08 PM
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Problems with poem's final stanza, ending.
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I just wrote a poem, I am calling, "The Illusion of "Free-Will". I will take suggestions for a better title, if anyone has a suggestion. The poem came together pretty easily, however, I had trouble, as I often do, with the final stanza, and its conclusion. I added another stanza, removed it, added it, removed it.... changed some lines in the existing final stanza... I am unsure if I am finished, and if the poem comes full circle, with a proper conclusion. Please any and all advice would be appreciated. I am an amateur, so I will take the criticism without offense.
What of "Free-Will," of which the prophets foretold?
A cruel little lie, bore of simple human design,
are our minds even capable, of the power to choose?
Or, are we blind sheep, being herded by the flock,
wrangled all together, just to be finally led astray?
Humankind seems to crave its own subjugation!
Of Religion, For Government, In our feeble little minds.
Freedom simply an illusion, another comforting lie,
Each generation complacent of their forefather's status quo.
Power firmly remains, with the few perched at the top.
The Bourgeoisie become Earth's largest congregation.
Even after centuries, not the slightest shift of balance.
Question their authority, get quickly stricken down.
"Destiny," their creation, to keep us silent and contained,
nothing remains left to the luxury of chance or fate.
Billions now brainwashed, mindless and obedient drones,
enslaved to do their bidding, our Government's mules.
Even God didn't foresee, how far we would fall.
Blindly praising institutions constructed by fellow man,
forgetting his firm warning, not to worship false idols.
Man bows to the Government, its holiest of incarnations.
Regardless their definition, they all share the blame,
from out-of-date Monarchies, to refined Democracies.
All Function reliant, on man's unquestioned allegiance.
The consequence of opposition, capital punishment,
Yet, countless remain quiet and vigilant.
Coup d'etat and revolution, tools of a forgotten past.
Our future now more uncertain, then ever before.
A millennium of suffering, bounded by servitude,
Man it seems, will inevitably rule itself into submission.
Man alone granted freedom from a prior destined fate,
God's one and only creation, blessed of inherent "Free-Will."
Appreciation long forgot, now boastful and full of arrogance,
forsaking, the very essence of our human existence.
Taking for granted, even the gift of life in it self.
Our lives spent as slaves, to God's born of flesh and blood,
voluntarily submitting, to every Politician's new command.
Society's first rulers, who our ancestors surrendered control,
remain ruling still, bringing even evolution to a sudden halt.
The Great Human civilization continues into its decline.
Man's final hope, lay beyond the grasp our mortal reach,
gone until, God reclaims his authority, as sole ruler of man.
Will then glory be restored to our failed attempt at a Utopic land?
Or due divine justice, will our final judgment now commence?
edited by Bigtone066 on 4/23/2016
edited by Bigtone066 on 4/23/2016
edited by Bigtone066 on 4/23/2016
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4/23/2016 7:17:43 PM
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Hello All!
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I have been a member of this online Poetry forum for a little over a month or so. I have been writing poetry sporadically since college, now almost ten years ago. I never was willing to share my work with others, fearing judgment and/or negative criticism. But, I am getting too old to give judgment or negativity any power of my mind. I would greatly appreciate if anyone interested in helping a newly confident poet improve their form.
I will briefly put out a warning, that some of my poems I wrote during college, years I spent using harmful substances, and enjoying the party lifestyle. I am sorry if any of my poetry offends anyone, and poems of this subject nature are only a tiny number of my poetic works, one's lacking the sophistication of my now thirty year old mind. My other poems are attempts at a certain deepness, uses of allegory, allusion, rhyme scheme, colorful and clever vocabulary, alliteration, and many other techniques of the master poet. Although, I am far from a master poet, and my ability to successfully and correctly use a variety of forms may be somewhat lacking. I am eager to hear a wide variety of critiques on any and hopefully all of my works. Please take the time to look through my catalog and comment, critique, or advise as you see fit. Thank you, and all help is much appreciated. I am vigorously motivated in becoming a great poet, author to a vast number of memorable and meaningful poems.
Anthony Guccia
Newly Confident Amateur Poet
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5/6/2016 3:26:31 PM
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Newly edited and fine tuned, three of my strongest
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Hello All! I just did a little editing and fine-tuning on what I consider to be a few of my best pieces, "My Declaration of Independence to Addiction and the Persons I Affected," "The Illusion of "Free-Will," and "Man's Last Great Empire Fallen: on the Fields of Armageddon." Please take a small amount of time to read, and hopefully enjoy, these newly edited attempts at poetry by yours truly, Anthony Guccia! (That's me) I would enjoy hearing any/everyone's comments, advice, suggestions, critiques, criticisms (negative or positive), any feedback, at all really! Please and Thank You in advance! Anything you can do to help me improve in this literary venture, would be greatly appreciated!!
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5/6/2016 3:26:31 PM
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Newly edited and fine tuned, three of my strongest
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Hello All! I just did a little editing and fine-tuning on what I consider to be a few of my best pieces, "My Declaration of Independence to Addiction and the Persons I Affected," "The Illusion of "Free-Will," and "Man's Last Great Empire Fallen: on the Fields of Armageddon." Please take a small amount of time to read, and hopefully enjoy, these newly edited attempts at poetry by yours truly, Anthony Guccia! (That's me) I would enjoy hearing any/everyone's comments, advice, suggestions, critiques, criticisms (negative or positive), any feedback, at all really! Please and Thank You in advance! Anything you can do to help me improve in this literary venture, would be greatly appreciated!!
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