Poetry Forum

JayceeC - all messages by user

1/22/2015 12:35:46 PM
Hello	I am looking for a second poetry home. I am not a new writer and prefer honest critique to comments like "Great poem!" which, while are nice, are not really feedback that I can use. Some of my best poetry have been written from challenge lists where people give me unrelated words and I just write. I also tend to spew anger in poetic form and its a great outlet. I have several chap books written but have never taken the time to publish. One of these days. Please drop by and say 'Hi' I always give critique for critique as well as a thank you to acknowledge I've ready yours
1/22/2015 1:10:36 PM
Dolly Voodoo	Put some breaks here and there and tighten some of the language a bit. Get rid of the ands that start sentences, they are just adding to the word overuse. Also put a stanza break where thought changes. I read several times though and am not sure where I would put them so the "run" does not slow down. some of the line breaks look a bit unnatural but that may be because of spacing here. Use them to pull your reader to your next line or end them when you want to slow down.
1/22/2015 1:15:32 PM
I welcome your feedback!	Overall well written. Maybe try changing S2 Ln 3 to "no room in such a place" so the word is not repeated within the line.
5/22/2015 9:08:40 AM
My poem Leviathan	Shane, I think the issue with this is that the story is getting somewhat lost in the tight alliterations and lines. Perhaps loosening it so that the alliterations flows in a sentences like structure, rather than tight minimalist lines that feel more like lists to the reader than a story. If the rest of the poem read more like the last two stanzas, it would be easier to follow. Right now you have the slide show or photo album in words where each line is its own picture. what you need is a movies that flows together. I'm not sure what result you were really looking for in this piece but that is my view of it.
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