Poetry Forum
Dunesong
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all messages by user
8/20/2013 2:50:44 PM
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Lies Lies Lies
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the images are strong. I lkie that. I agree with the last line being a problem for me its the imagery in the last line. what does a stain look like its sort of shapeless
and weightless which does not fit with all the sinking weighted down imagery i think you are trying to express. stones might be a better word choice
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9/13/2013 12:09:21 PM
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BRAND new writer, a little nervous. Help!
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i like this i get that you want the hands to be in an eternal cycle of life but i think the ending breaks the timeline of the maturing aging hands theme the last four lines starting with hands new to the one that starts on and on i would either remove them or i would end with something that evoked (sounded more like) the first line
like tiny, plump new the hands of time are never ceasing edited by Dunesong on 9/13/2013
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12/4/2013 6:47:33 PM
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New here first poem for critique
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I really like the scheme of using the repetition its just me but i think the words missing in the last verse should be there
"of', "that kept me"
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12/29/2013 11:39:12 AM
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It is the season
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I think you do not mean it that way but the second line to me reads as if you are suggesting the reader remember the sins of friends.
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1/9/2014 12:01:55 PM
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my poem nightly theater
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thanks i did a major rewrite including a name change to twilight circus. still not happy but its better
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1/12/2014 2:58:04 PM
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Do your worst!
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? you do not seem to have any poems posted? can not critique what can not be found.
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5/19/2014 12:01:57 AM
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Looking for advice on how to improve
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the first line starts in sunlight and then the rest stays in moonlit dreams until the last where sunlight /dawn chases her away. the first line is pretty but it seems wasted as a scene setter. could i suggest you use a starlit drop of rain or a starlit tear
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5/19/2014 12:13:15 AM
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my poem nightly theater
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i like the idea of a cricket Calliope will have to think how to change that first verse again thanks
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6/18/2014 11:27:37 AM
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To hear the sickle reap
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I feel the last two lines do not fit together in a grammatical sense. i think either line three should read something more like ... I'd think you'd not want-- or if you left line three alone then line four should read something like ... when the sickle reaps edited by Dunesong on 6/18/2014
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10/12/2015 2:21:17 AM
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they like the poems better than the poets
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just for the fun of it I do a semi annual search of some of my best work. and in the last five years or so I have twice found my work out there - floating around the internet copied and passed on by random strangers. this is the good thing. the bad thing is they think my name is "Anonymous".
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