Poetry Forum

superlativedeleted - all messages by user

10/16/2019 1:08:06 PM
These Threes	@hempleaves13 Yours isn’t a name I see frequently in the critique section. I’m surprised you have so little to say in general to authors that might benefit from your feedback, but so much to say specifically to B.A. and J.W. One might suspect that if you weren’t so reticent to speak your thoughts freely you wouldn’t have such ire for those that do. Perhaps if you critiqued more frequently, you’d feel more at ease knowing that your thoughts have been heard, and knowing that not everyone has to think or feel the same way about a poem and that at the end of the day it is the author that makes the final call.
10/16/2019 10:45:40 PM
These Threes	I don’t know; thinking one needs “expertise” to offer honest feedback about what one finds effective or lacking about a poem is pretty pompous. Moral perfectionism is always pretentious, if not innately hypocritical. Thinking you have nothing valuable to contribute because you are not an expert is either cowardice or false humility. You clearly have some strong ideas about poetry; if you’re refusing to share them with the world simply out of a desire to be morally superior than those that throw themselves on the blade in the hopes that something they say might be of benefit to others, that’s really unfortunate. The respect that I often see given in the forum is predominantly gratitude someone (often times anyone...) invested time, thought, and consideration in responding to someone’s work. In regards to the feedback B.A. and J.W. Give, it’s often clear that they do not sugar coat things and treat what they’re reading with the same degree of consideration and expectation they give to even the best poetry they read. It’s clear they don’t lower their expectations simply because it is internet poetry, and their feedback makes clear they believe the authors they are addressing are capable of applying the feedback given. There is nothing to respect about those that remain silent when you ask them for help, especially if they’re remaining silent so they can be better than others. edited by superlativedeleted on 10/16/2019
10/16/2019 11:49:57 PM
These Threes	When someone posts a piece for critique in a public forum, they are asking YOU for feedback. If you don’t feel comfortable critiquing mechanics or craft, you can still say something about your personal experience of the poem. Even the bare minimum of “I liked it” or “I didn’t” like it is SOMETHING. You can say “a part that is really memorable for me is...” or “I was really confused by...”. You can reflect back what you think the poem is about “it sounds like the poem is about...” If you want to be adventurous, you can ask things like “have you tried doing it this way...” All of that is valid, even if someone else has already critiqued. Multiple critiques are really valuable because it gives a range of information. Maybe only one person was confused by something and maybe 6 people weren’t. If the only person that responds is the one that was confused and the six people that know exactly what was meant don’t respond, the author may end up concluding the piece needs to be changed when in fact the majority of people would understand it, and all because the 6 people that understood it were too shy or too proud to give their reaction to the poem. Just because you dont feel comfortable asserting “poetry should be this...” or “poetry isn’t this...” doesn’t mean you don’t have valuable feedback to give. It is not possible to improve one’s writing without honest feedback, nor without an audience willing to give up the safety of silence. Sweet or bitter, speaking is your gift. The author can do whatever they want with it, but they need something to work with. edited by superlativedeleted on 10/16/2019
10/17/2019 10:33:18 PM
These Threes	Don’t trip on your ermine cape on the way out lol
10/18/2019 10:25:03 PM
The sun drapes the earth.	The length of phrasing is good. Line 4 is very confusing. It is not clear to me if you’re describing sunset, sunrise, or passing from sunset through the night to sunrise. It is not clear what sleeping with the moon signifies; is the moon a metaphor for the person the illicit affair happened with or is it a metaphor for loneliness - and if it is loneliness, how can there be an illicit affair. The voice of the work is pleasant and enjoyable, but I would focus on clarity a bit more. Good luck
10/18/2019 10:30:06 PM
Critique please! Where it all began.	I like the theme, and I like the specific details you’ve selected in the first stanza, but their significance is not clear to me. What truth was sweetened? What was made smooth by the swings? How do these things lead to the moment in the back of the sedan. The second stanza is very confusing to me. I don’t understand what a button is doing on a forehead; who are ‘they’? How can they tame a button on the forehead? Good luck
10/19/2019 1:54:54 AM
Please critique - Beautifully Broken	You have some really interesting things here. I think your strongest use of figurative language is using the fawn as an image for despair. Really amazingly original image, definitely a compelling sense of authenticity. I think artistically it would be a stronger piece if you stayed exclusively with the image of the fawn for all your descriptions of despair - an inescapable nursing, almost vampiric, a mother deer trying ween off the fawn to escape somewhere for a moments peace but the fawn always finds her and continues the relentless suckling, no matter how old it grows, chasing off other deer, potential mates, just consuming and consuming the mother deer till almost nothing is left. The element of suckling has a really psychologically visceral aspect to it that could very accurately portray the invasiveness of despair to the reader in a way that is as disquieting to them as it is to the author. I think it could very effectively evoke a reaction in the reader that is authentic rather than merely sympathetic, if that makes sense. Your style has a nice sense of groundedness rather than sentimentality or maudlinness. Your style seems to focus a lot on telling/ recording. It gives information about the persona, but I found no place to really enter it or lose myself in it. It lacked author-reader intimacy (which is very common in a general way; not a criticism in a personal sense; simply something to be aware of and strive for if you wish) The prose style isn’t a favorite of mine, but it is increasingly popular these days. If line breaks, phrasing, breath, and alliteration aren’t objectives of your style, there is not much to say about them. Hope you’ll consider using the fawn as an extended metaphor and really explore the artistry of how it could used more fully. Good luck!
10/20/2019 10:28:32 PM
Please critique - Self Loathing's Song	Can you imagine a star turned inside out, light, fire, raging plasma turned inward, the solar system cold, slowly sucking in world after world, stars blotted out by the hole, the hidden fire crushing inward more and more sending out x rays of its boneless body until it completely burns away? Would you have believed a soul is not a star? Neither would I, if it weren’t for the rays of light that still escape the darkness.
10/20/2019 10:34:58 PM
Please critique - Self Loathing's Song	I think your write is fine. If you don’t already, you might enjoy Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, or Sharon Olds. Mary Oliver has many wonderful books; if I could only chose one book of poetry for the rest of my life, it would be Mary Oliver’s book ‘Dog Songs’
10/21/2019 8:31:21 PM
Critique please & thank you! :) (Revised work)	👏👏👏 The stanzas are well divided. They each stand alone but also paint a bigger picture together. The refrain at the beginning of each stanza is particularly effective. The ‘f’ sound in particular grows increasingly intense. In the context of fire, the refrain creates a sense of the fire spreading, continuing on from the first stanza. Your choices to place burn and shut at the end of the refrain in stanzas 2 and 4 work really well - the pause before and after each word, the plosive ‘b’, the voiced ‘t’, and choice of monosyllabic words all convey a force and intensity that could not be attained even with all caps. Your line break in line two really successfully voices a silent horror of speaking line three. The delicacy of the euphemism in line three very successfully captures a sense of innocence and or helplessness - that little bit beneath the anger, the quiet place that can only say “why?” There is a really fantastic alliterative run in stanza 2 between the b in burn and the b in knobby and o in knobby and the o in gossamer, also the t in tiny tearing and twisting. The image in stanza 5 of transparent muscles is really unique and memorable. The last two lines are also really wonderful. Might I suggest ‘The Shadow of Me’ as the title? Great write! You’re really able to grasp the use of sound to add the nonverbal element to communicate intangible parts of your poem; wonderful to read. Realize I haven’t offered much in the way of improvement; if there is something specific you would like feedback on, happy to help if I can.
10/24/2019 10:24:53 PM
I'm Not a Poet	srjenish1 wrote: ##You seem to be using an impure tetrameter## Syllables Per Line:5 6 5 6 0 6 7 6 7 0 7 6 7 6 0 10 10 Oops! Good call. Trimeter* (I confuse the two T-meters sometimes)
11/10/2019 2:36:16 PM
Phoenix	I don’t think the spare punctuation harms it. I would elimate the last stanza, and add a fourth line to stanza 5 that completes the -ife rhyme. The the tetrameter you’re using sounds incomplete with only three lines per stanza - the ear anticipates a fourth line, which doesn’t come, but this anticipation turns into a driving force that speeds the reader into the next stanza. In stanza 5 when you break the rhyme scheme in the third line by switching from a closed vowel to an open vowel to match the effect of flying, it also serves the double purpose of signaling the end of the poem - the rhyme scheme has reached its climax. Adding a fourth line that resolves the rhyme scheme, and fulfills the ear’s desire for four lines of tetrameter instead of merely three is a great way to close the poem in a way that is satisfying to the ear.
11/12/2019 10:07:53 PM
Phoenix	It does have a different feel. Which do you like more? You could also experiment with keeping the last stanza and making a fourth line with an -oor rhyme. The rewrite does capture the finished feeling by having a fourth line, but going back to your original version, I actually kind of like the transition to the open vowel being followed by a line break. Gives the flight some space maybe. I think maybe your original instinct for stanza 5 is better. But do you hear the difference with the added fourth line, the sense of completeness? It’s not a must have, necessarily, but if you want to include it, it’s just a matter of deciding if it sounds better in stanza 5 or 6
1/1/2020 1:05:23 AM
Trapped	Breath is a needle Sharp enough to pierce thick, impenetrable stillness. Breath by breath leathery silence is stitched, silken steps of a silver mind passing through passing through passing through the horror always emerging free on the other side.
1/1/2020 1:09:45 AM
Trapped	Do not look into the future as if you are an owl staring into the dark trying to count the hairs on mice; You haven’t the eyes for it. Do not look into the past as if you are a stone Sphinx transfixed and fixed in place trying to solve it; You haven’t the time. Let your gentle eyes see the moon and know its light Is already coming from tomorrow, and the darkness will be gone. edited by superlativedeleted on 1/1/2020
1/1/2020 1:34:48 AM
Lasciviousness	The elocution armors the poem as surely and as tightly as beautifully embroidered stays which render all of the lascivious human hues of flesh as pure and chaste as powder and polished silk. If only her fan were to move the cool evening breeze across her bosom like a servant pouring cream over peaches set out in the crystal dish of night... now that might be lascivious. edited by superlativedeleted on 1/1/2020
1/1/2020 2:15:36 AM
My first piece of work- Please Review	It’s true that poems needn’t rhyme, nor even have a meter; many chose to write free lines without a thought for either, yet still there is a certain sense that something has gone deeper than ordinary speech. The question, then, is left to us: for what will poets reach? Will simple affirmations do? Will truths hold true without some artful features? Yes, gold still has its hue without the jeweler’s file; does it really gain that much from the jeweler’s fire? A nugget on the ground excites! Unpolished — Not round — yet consecrates the spot on which it just was found. What good is spinning gold into the riddles of rings? edited by superlativedeleted on 1/1/2020 edited by superlativedeleted on 1/1/2020
1/7/2020 1:08:47 PM
Lasciviousness	The second paragraph was an example free to steal. You love big, beautiful words. Poems don’t have to send the reader to a dictionary every line to be beautiful, and words don’t have to be from another epoch to be eloquent. There is much more beauty in your own lust, your need and want to be loved, the frantic willingness to surrender completely to the beautiful woman that appears, to release the fear that builds up in loneliness like an inhalation that never stops but grows to bursting, the want to be safe and cradled, the privilege of letting one’s hunger out of its fine collar and run as free as a dog in a park, sniffing everything, lapping wild waters, and curling up on the earth warmed by the sun. You’ve chosen beautiful words, but it’s a little maddening to see you cheat yourself when you have something real to offer. If you’d prefer I not respond to posts you make, simply say the word.
1/18/2020 7:40:36 PM
Lasciviousness	Please don’t mistake my insight for your skill. I have no trouble with large vocabulary. You’ve also misused the word ponce. If you’re going to disguise your poor writing with big words, at least do the reader the courtesy of actually looking them up before you attempt to use them. Carry on, little wren; at the right time of day even the dust looks like gold. I won’t burden your works anymore; having their author’s own earnest and unfailing affections, they want for absolutely nothing. Title? “Porcelain” something beautiful, hollow, fragile, and shatters when it is disturbed.
1/20/2020 12:46:31 PM
A Stranger and a Friend	Beautiful. One of your best, in my opinion.
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