|
9/3/2018 11:26:42 AM
|
|
Please Critique Without a Filter :)
|
This isn't a poem. It is a self-help affirmation.
|
|
9/22/2018 5:32:53 PM
|
|
BLACK IS BEAUTY
|
I think this is a good draft. It definitely outlines the direction the author wishes to go in. The goal of the poem seems to be a reclaiming, an act of self-definition, a declaration of unity and humanity across time.
I think the first line should be examined carefully, as it does not refute the image of the black body as emblematic of slave-hood. Rather than redefine the metonym of the black body, it says "but..." and proceeds to list a litany of abstract, intangible qualities that seem to be an attempt to counterbalance, or excuse the reality of having the body of a slave. I think there is a stronger way to approach the topic.
I think the poem should refute the image of the black body as being emblematic of slave-hood, by grounding each of the abstract qualities listed in this draft with images of the black body. For example "The passion of our hospitality..." is a rich opportunity to delve into the topic of soul food, hands with dark skin stirring steaming pots, or steam from cooking at the skillet leaving a beautiful sheen on fingers. You could even extend the theme of black being beautiful to including the image of a cast iron skillet, how its dark skin creates magnificent food that holds communities together. You could have images of people hand in hand before dinner giving thanks together, etc... You could even go around the table describing each smile and how each person's skin is a little different, some a little more red, some more gold, some lighter, some darker, some new and smooth, others wrinkled and weathered, but all unified by the melanin they've inherited from their ancestors, etc...
There could be an image of a young black woman as valedictorian of her college giving a speech at graduation, and you could extend the metaphor as black as beautiful by emphasizing the black robes of educational achievement and excellence, etc...
"There's an energy, strain..." could be related as an image of protesters taking the wheel of democratic process in their hands, black lips speaking truth to power, her black skin more righteous than the black armor of white officers; the image of black as beautiful could be extended to the black roads that are the life-veins of civilization, etc...
There are lots of ways that you can use images of the black body to illustrate love, unity, humanity, love for life, intelligence, creativity, dreams, etc... I think using images of the black body to illustrate these things seizes out of the hands of white supremacy, and reclaims it as the body of a human being. It's something you could dive very deeply into. Leave no stone un-turned, extend, contrast, make the skin come alive, and it will speak for itself.
This isn't to say to ignore that one's country or society may view the black body as emblematic of slave-hood, as it is an injustice that must be confronted. However, i think it is best confronted by refuting it, but that is my own opinion, and the author must write as it wishes.
|
|
9/23/2018 1:08:22 PM
|
|
More
|
lectures are not poems. strong opinion. weak poem.
the work is almost entirely devoid of sensory detail, and is entirely devoid of inner sensation. It is not something the reader can experience; the author is talking at the reader. Those that agree with it will be delighted by it; but poems are not subject to agreement or not agreement, as they are experiences which the reader is asked to process and make their own impressions of.
If we remove the device of end rhyme, the façade of poesie falls compeletely away. There is the simile of the poisoned lollipop, but it is a simile that could even be included in casual conversation or prose.
If the author wishes to transpose the work into poetic form, it would best be done by illustrating scenes that engage the senses that capture the dynamic the poet wishes to express, hopefully refraining from editorializing.
the draft is a great road sign directing the author in the direction it wishes to go, but it has not arrived yet.
|
|
10/7/2018 11:35:38 PM
|
|
The green-eyed monster (Please critique)
|
This is great. Universal situation married with authentic emotional truth, expressed in conversational voice that speaks intimately/caringly to the reader as if each reader is the only person that will read it. The use of second person is validated by the narrative persona. Though second person is used, it is clear the persona of the poem is speaking of itself and is expressing its authentic emotional truth, and is sharing this experience to the reader in a with a private voice. The use of second person is not used to tell the reader what to think or feel.The use of second person is also validated by conveying the restrained detachment, the ambivelence of feeling something but not wanting to feel it. Describing what the reader might go through to actually describe the experience of the persona created for the poem is a wonderful and clever device. Each reader will feel the poem was meant for them, rather than simply having been requested to witness the life of the persona. The poem creates a space for the reader to exist within it, as an equal to the persona. Wonderful!
edited by superlativedeleted on 10/7/2018
|
|
12/1/2018 1:47:03 AM
|
|
Virgin Poem
|
The most powerful part of the poem is the journalistic voice the author has written in. It is clear the speaker is present with these things, has experienced these things (either in real life or in imagination), but the author is content to tell a story about something greater than himself/herself. The author does not whine about how depressed he/she is that it is not raining, or how he/she is sweating and miserable. The author simply lets the subject be the subject without judgement or editorializing. The reader is free to have their own experience of the poem, because the author has recorded a world for the reader to enter. The author has not filled the poem with a potrait of hismelf/herself, and makes the poem a gift to the reader. This is very good. (Even many experienced writers do not have the skill or humility to do this.)
The author is wise to focus on concrete details. The reader knows where they are, what is going on, what exists in the environment around them. The author includes many senses, sight, touch, sound, smell, and even alludes to taste.
These instincts as a writer are a very strong foundation to begin writing with.
The poem does need some more work, but this is not the high critique forum, so I will leave my comments at this.
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/1/2018
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/1/2018
|
|
12/1/2018 1:55:24 AM
|
|
CONFESS
|
very good lyric poem
|
|
12/1/2018 2:20:24 AM
|
|
Learn To Be Still
|
While it's true some poems may provoke reflection, introspection, and meditation on the human condition and life itself, poems most effectively accomplish this through artistry of sound, subject, metaphor, simile, narrative, concrete details, metonymy, synecdoche, and other devices of rhetoric, sensual riddles that gently draw the attention of the reader nearer and nearer.
The author's work seems to reflect the aspiration that the reader will find something meaningful in the reading, which is great; however the work itself is a list of maxims to live by, rather than an artful use of poetic devices.
If the author cares to peek at "Virgin Poem" a few positions up in the forum, I think the author will quickly see that the beautiful poem could be summed up as a one sentence maxim such as: it's worth sticking out the bad times. What a beautiful poem would be lost if the its had been content to merely speak in maxims rather than wishing to share an experience with the reader.
The author has a lot of things to say. I hope the author will consider doing his/her wisdom justice by sharing it in a more lush and full bodied poetic experience. I would consider this work a package of seeds from which poems yet to come may be grown, as each line could birth any number of scenarios, experiences, visions that express it artfully.
|
|
12/1/2018 2:57:29 AM
|
|
wHY
|
poems like these ask the author to balance on a tightrope - expressing something extremely personal and private, in fact intended only for one person, "you" (and not you, the reader), in an extremely public way, to perfect strangers. this frequently results in a poem where "you" will know exactly what is going on, but the reader will be left trying to peek through a keyhole. The author ends up expressing how meaningful the moment was to the author, but the reader does not have their own experience of the moment. The reader can simply feel happy for the author, or perhaps be reminded of a time they felt a similar way.
Ideally the poem should make the reader feel they have experienced something for themselves.
One of the fun things about poetry is you can tell really personal stuff in really private ways without omitting the direct experience for the reader (you can invent a false experience for the reader that tells an emotional truth); this can be what extended metaphor is for:
I was a wolf
limping on a torn leg through the dark forest
my call unanswered.
I fell in the pine needles,
my long tongue limp and unable to lap,
how it hung out of my empty stomach.
The coyotes came
their yellow eyes diamonds
ready to cut through my fur.
I tried to rise
but even my own blood abandoned me,
my own blood abandoned me,
left me laying in the needless,
waiting for death,
and it came with shining eyes.
And then there was you,
and the diamonds fled into the forest.
You picked my broken body up and
took me home.
|
|
12/1/2018 4:21:59 PM
|
|
CHRISTMAS MOURNING - CONTEST ENTRY
|
I think you have a lot of good concrete details, know which details are effective in communicating implied emotional content.
I think the poem gets muddled by the overt statements of emotion (ex), and syntactic inversions (ex).
I would strive to write with conversational phrasing, and allow the imagery to speak the emotion. It's tempting to doubt the effectiveness of our images, that the reader is really getting it, so sometimes we say it after we show it, but it's unnecessary.
The riddle of the images is what draws the reader into the poem, the anticipation of where the author is headed with the poem, the conviction of knowing what the author feels even though they have not truly said it all deepen the poem and make a space for the reader to become a part of the poem, to compelete the poem through the act of emotional recognition.
I would condense a number of points together, for instance the sound of children, the shutting of the curtains, as well as the cold hearth and the picture of the wife/ family on the mantle. Ex:
He kept the curtains shut
as if it could keep out the sound of children
playing in the snow.
[reminiscent of Oscar Wilde, The Selfish Giant, or Dr. Seuss The Grinch]
(or)
The laughter of children playing in the snow woke him.
He shoved his sleep-warm feet into cold slippers
and went to shut the curtains.
(and)
On the mantle, above the empty hearth,
was a picture of his wife,
beside her a picture of his children
their eyes as bright as snow, their mouths open
in laughter he could not hear.
The mind forms free associations. You don't need to say his wife and kids are long gone; they are absent in the poem, and you can describe other things associated with family like the hearth being empty.
Something I've tried to illustrate in the example is the opportunity to emphasize the loss of the speaker by contrasting the laughter of the children outside that he does not wish to hear and the absence of the laughter of his own children that he does wish to hear. There is no need to say his family is gone or that he misses them, it is felt by the way the details are arranged within the context of upset, and absence.
I would remove the entire first stanza. It is a valid point, but the entire purpose of the poem is to illustrate that point; it does not need to be introduced or explained, just tell the emotional truth and the point is made simply by allowing the reader to experience it. DO KEEP the detail about the unopened christmas cards, the sound of the children playing, and the idea that his reaction to the sound is specific to Christmas.
I would remove the last line of the poem.
The first line of the second stanza might be better stated as the image of a tea service set only for one person, maybe there are rings on the service where other cups once were set. Juxtaposing a tea service set for one person with the photographs of his family on the mantle together tell the story his family is gone, without saying a word about it.
The second line of the second stanza may be true, but the trick is figuring out how to show it. The unopened cards, the shut curtains, not being dressed, escaping into the television, all successfully illustrate someone in denual/depression/pain, not wanting to be there. I think the second to last line of the poem captures, in a delicate way, that it is unbearable.
A detail that's not in your poem, for your consideration, would be a christmas tree. The traditional icon of the Christmas tree is full of lights, ornaments, tinsel, a bright star, presents underneath. What if he had a tree but it was small, dry, unwatered, the star about to fall off the top, no lights, maybe one or two ornaments as if he tried to make a christmas for himself, but stopped; instead of packages beneath the tree are duscarded beer cans/ bottles that haven't been thrown away. I think showing he tried to make a Christmas for himself but couldn't face it shows the struggle also, a quiet intensity that he lost an inner battle for life. Losing the battle for life has more intensity in it than simply describing someone that has already given up.
thank you for letting me read your poem. I hope some of my suggestions prove to be useful.
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/1/2018
|
|
12/2/2018 12:20:40 AM
|
|
Don't Clap Gentlemen
|
Arjun,
This is a very strong poem. It ultimately questions: what is it to be civilized?
The poem challenges colonialist pride, and shows how pride can easily lead to evil that does great harm to others. The poem questions the philosophy of what makes something the enemy. The poem illustrates how making enemies of others is a downfall for oneself and leads to harming others.
It makes the gentleman a symbol of pride, of being civilized, then shows them applauding death, destruction, and barbarism.
The question: what's good about making corpses? is very strong.
Juxtaposing the stars in the sky with the corpses on the ground is an extremely strong poetic image.
The english does need work, but no problem. You can take it to someone that knows English well and work with them. The english is not the poem. The images, contemplation, how things are arranged are the poem, and you've done it very well.
If you have not already written this in Hindi, write it in Hindi to make sure you have a copy of the ideas, images, arrangement just as you like, that way you do not forget. Then, work on the English with a tutor or friend. No problem. Very good.
It is good you are writing about life, about the world. Poet-journalist. This is good. Too many people write about themselves; an unfortunate western habit.
|
|
12/2/2018 12:25:08 AM
|
|
A few feet away (Please critique.)
|
1 of 2
Your poem plays with space, physical space, inner space/ emotional space, and juxtaposes them in a dichotomy of being in close physical proximity but being worlds apart. I think choosing to illustrate this aspect of the human condition is a very strong poetic choice.
There is a great quote by Rumi I wish i could remember, about how we shout at each other because our hearts are so far apart and they're trying to be heard across a great distance. I think you would really enjoy Rumi.
"Only a [few] words away..." is an exceptionally strong phrase and should be the first line of your poem. It fuses inner and outer space: it implies the partner is near enough to speak too, but also speaks to the inner space that could be arrived at by just a few words, the words are a bridge leading somewhere - are they words of discord, reconciliation, love, angst, mistrust etc... and what is it that is just a few words away, a break up, a marriage, forgiveness, hatred, confusion, the beginning of understanding etc... "Only a [few] words away..." is a huge open door and a red carpet for the author; it is a rabbit hole that will take you deeper into your poem if you know how to follow it.
I think the poem is held back by the author's desire to recount a personal experience. The opportunities the poem possesses are cut off by the reality of the author, as the opportunities of the poem exist in an artistic space rather than transcribing the script of daily life. I think the emotional truth the author is conveying should be used as a seed; the personal experience of the author has made her/him aware of a vision greater than mere personal events: the interplay of movement between physical space and inner space, and how they move each other.
I would approach the poem as a collection of artistic elements rather than a record of events.
In this instance, something I'm not sure works is moving through time. The past is referred to without being described, it remains very abstract, and only serves to diffuse the clarity and focus of the poem. I would leave the poem entirely in the present moment of the physical and inner space.
The foundation of the poem is the image of the two partners in bed back to back. Begin here, end here (with a twist).
Your instinct to describe inner space with concrete elements is very good, as it makes something intangible tangible. However, I would move the description of inner space to the middle of the poem
|
|
12/2/2018 12:27:09 AM
|
|
A few feet away (Please critique.)
|
2 of 2
I would outline an experimental draft as this:
stanza 1
"Only a [few] words away..." physical description of the partners in bed, physical descriptions that emphasize the physical closeness, but disconnect, illustrate the inner conflict, maybe the blanket is stolen, maybe the speaker is being crowded out of its space, hanging on the edge of the bed, - the back to back is a good place to start, but you can really imply an entire story just from the description of lying in bed. It may not be a historically accurate description, but it can illustrate something that's true emotionally #artistic license. The selfish partner could try to warm its freezing feet on the speaker's feet and the speaker curls up into a ball protecting what's left of their warmth, feet facing away from each other could imply they are headed different directions, on different paths, maybe the selfish partner is asleep (both figuratively and literally) and its the wounded partner that is kept awake by their pain, both figuratively and literally). You really can tell a whole story here even in the physical description. Being on the edge can have both a physical meaning and a figurative meaning and could be used to transition to...
stanza 2
description of inner space, you could describe just one as you have already or you could explore all the possible destinations that might be arrived at should a "few words" be uttered.
stanza 3
return to physical description of being in bed, only leave with a cliffhanger, such as stealing the sheets back, or falling out of bed, or pushing back to reclaim the space in bed, or uttering something to wake the partner, etc... something concrete that demonstrates the wakeful partner has arrived at a decision of some sort that returns us to physical space, and sets an unknown conclussion into motion. don't tidy it up by letting the reader see the end play out, simply witness the outer action arising from the inner action, and leave it there.
thanks for letting us read your poem, i hope my suggestions end up being useful somehow
|
|
12/2/2018 12:38:26 AM
|
|
New Writer Requests Critique
|
Your voice has a very distinct quality to it, delicate, bright, ephemeral, the evanescent edge of some effulgent light.
If you do not read Mary Oliver, I think her poems would be a great guide for you in learning how to transition from maxims to didactic imagery and sensual detail. I think her style is very much in keeping with your voice and would show you how to spread your wings. (She has a wonderful book called "A Poetry Handook")
|
|
12/2/2018 1:30:44 AM
|
|
Dust and Heavy Stone
|
I think the poem would be stronger if it were simplified.
Especially when attempting something on an epic scale speaking plainly, with organized thought and image is especially critical, so the reader is not drowned in the sand at the bottom of eternity's hourglass.
Section 1
The first section is describing the privilage, conceit, predatory nature of the pharohs of old Egypt, in biblical times. Their desire to keep their wealth and power even in death is contrasted with the author's vision of mortality, the view that death strips us of all our worldly wealth and power.
The first section transitions to a contemporary timeframe and speaks about the youth.
My opinion is that each of these need to be individual stanzas in section 1. (first stanza) S.i: Pharohs (second stanza) S.ii: Death (you must treat Death as its own Power, not merely mention it in passing) (third stanza) S.iii: contemporary youth.
There is a hidden metaphor you should consider. Part of the mummification process is removing the brain of the pharoh so it does not rot and spoil the corpse. (if i remember correctly) A hot iron poker was forced through the nose of the corpse and swirled to sizzle and liquify the brain, which was drained out of the nose of the corpse. I would focus on this aspect of the death ritual in S.i when you are talking about the phraohs, THEN this sets up a metaphor in S.iii when you speak about the youth. You could quip something like: thoughtfulness drained from their upturned noses, their heads as empty as pharohs buried in gold.
Keep the set up simple and plain spoken, and rely on metaphors, and comparing and contrasting the images to provide the complexity.
Section 2
The second section is confusing because "they" is not clear. The last people to be spoken of in the poem is the youth, yet second 2 seems to be talking about the have nots that get overlooked. Section 2 needs clarity.
Section 3
The Third section is also unclear. It seems to be a continuation of the second section. It seems to be describing the after work of a harvest, replanting, milling flour, crushing the straw to make bricks? The third section also needs clarity.
Section 4
The fourth section smartly works to bookend the poem by returning to the original image and re-exploring it in a new light now the theme has been expounded upon. The fourth se tion also needs clarity, but perhaps only because sections 2 and 3 are unclear.
The poem plays with the distinction between need and want, some pursuimg what they want but do not need and others pursuing what they need, either because they are not in a,position to pursue their wants, or because they are content with their needs.
The poem seems to be illustrating how the haves think they have it all, and make others miserable getting what they want, but leave life empty handed, whereas the have nots have the opportunity to be content and untempted and find a sustaince in their faith, that they leave this life full of something that Death cannot take from them.
I think it's an earnest beginning. I would continue hammering out the details. Resist the urge to rely on maxims instead of imagery, metaphor, and contrasting and comparing the images. Let the images speak for themselves.
good luck!
|
|
12/2/2018 1:34:22 AM
|
|
Dust and Heavy Stone
|
specifically you need to clarify the stone. you mention it several times. if it is a millstone, you need to say so plainly. A stone is a heavy burden, but a millstone let's one make flour, make bread, etc... A millstone is a burden worth having. if it is a millstone, that makes its symbolic nature just as significant as death, phraoh, the youth, daily bread, etc... if it is a millstone it should be treated as its own Power.
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/2/2018
|
|
12/2/2018 2:28:14 AM
|
|
Optical Illusions
|
personally, i find exercises in abstract phrasing such as this to be extremely demanding of the author, and frequently ineffective as poems in their own right. exercises such as this eschew the niceties and forgiving ettiquettes of even free verse. the author leaves neither itself or the reader much room to breathe. everything is stripped to its fundamental elements; everything is left raw-facetted.
i think many of the stanzas struggled for clarity.
L1 clear
2 clear
3 ?
4?
L5 (clear)
6 (clear)
7 ?
8 (clear)
9 clear
L10 clear
11 ! / ?
12 ?
13 clear
14 clear
L15 clear
14 clear
16 clear
17 clear
18 (?)
19 ?
L20 (clear)
21 clear
22 [clear]
23 [clear]
The clarity of some lines suffered because what they stated was unclear, sometimes because their clarity was dependant on other lines that were unclear, and at other times because the context of the stanza was not established.
my overall impression is that you seem to be building a garland of vignettes of different stations of life, then concluding with a larger than life existential bird's eye view of the human condition and mortality. I think this is very poetically juicey. When the clarity issues are worked out, it could prove to be a very strong piece.
|
|
12/2/2018 2:33:36 AM
|
|
Optical Illusions
|
p.s. something that i think really taxed the lines was the use of abstract and figurative language. normally
one expects figurative language in poetry, but when there is no room to figure it out, it is not as effective. I would rely more of juxtaposition of clear, concrete imagery, context, gestalt of sensual details etc.
|
|
12/2/2018 2:53:07 AM
|
|
The test (Please critique)
|
Do you have any favorite confessional poets?
|
|
12/2/2018 4:32:04 AM
|
|
A Warning of Impermanence
|
lovely nod to the poetry's ancient roots.
Lovely attention to meter, enjoyable use of end rhyme. A few little bumps here and there, but nothing so eggregious it could not be attributed to intentional design.
I suspect you are very accustomed to reading your poems aloud and your ear has not yet distinguished between lexical stress and moraic stress, and so your mouth quickens pace on certain syllables to make it pleasing to moraic stress values though in certain positions syllables violate metrical rules of lexical stress. The ear instinctively favors moraic values it seems, though lexical values undeniably produce such a clean sound they sometimes die on the vine.
You've ommitted punctuation. This is a fine choice if you intend your end rhymes and line breaks to serve as punctuation. However, allow me to illustrate the power of punctation, specifically caesura, and also enjambment, to frame the emotional content of the poem.
Sing me a song. Significance
needs skill to vocalize.
A ballad. Commanding reverence
draws a tear to the eye.
Tell me a tale, relevance
like an epic seldom heard.
Be sure. To mind your eloquence,
Make me believe in every word.
Recite a poem. With elegance,
one of your very own, design.
Just speak it. Without hesitance
(and it needn't be in rhyme)
paint me a scene, of opulence,
of, surely, the master's hand.
Without a hint of ambivalence,
Of a shipwreck in the sand,
Just live. A life of rememberance
makes wise use of fleeting time.
I warn of life's impermanence.
Do more with yours than I with mine.
The pacing of the original is very free and reeling compared to the punctuated version. In addition, without the use of enjambment the end rhymes make a very vibrant musical quality. Punctuation offers the opportunity to control pacing, which is an essential component in nonverbal communication of mood and emotional content. The original version is so bright and carefree, it is difficult to believe they understand the grief of impermanence, the loss of wasted opportunities. The last three lines of the original don't even seem to fit with the rest of the poem; the body of the poem could be a spritely youth that's simply excited to hear a good song. Using punctuation to slow the pacing, takes the energy out of the lines; the enjambmemt conceals the music. One might suddenly suspect the person speaking is aged, and feeling nostalgic for better times and is hoping to live vicariously through the song of someone in the prime of life, and warns them to make good use of time, tying the body of the poem together with the last three lines.
hope something I said was useful. good luck.
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/2/2018
|
|
12/2/2018 5:03:33 AM
|
|
Cold
|
very strong draft. you rely on concrete details, you rely on carefully chosen words to give those concrete details meaning that is deeper than the literal meaning, you illustrate the will to live and the frailty of the human condition.
continue developing it.
|
|
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
|