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Forum Home » High Critique » Critique, please. This poem is called Fish

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1/29/2019 4:47:29 AM Crista Billings Posts: 2	Just an ugly fish, floundering Dueling the callous current The water is polluted Like my soul, corrupted Like my thoughts, sickening Just an ugly fish Jealous of the fish who are naturals at swimming Everyone but me makes it look so easy The sky seems so much bluer Than this putrid gray water What if I were meant to fly Not to swim? Just an ugly fish Never fit into any school The others know I don't belong Just an ugly fish
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2/1/2019 7:02:07 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	you use the refrain "just an ugly fish" 4 times. I think it would be natural to rewrite the poem in 4 stanzas and put the refrain at the end of each stanza. I think your choice of the word "dueling" shows an instinctive ability to use sound to convey other senses, in this case the physical sense of the fish moving through the resistence of the water, the doo being the solidness of fish against the thrust of the water, and the contrast between the oo snd the ing being the wriggle of the fish, the ling being the both the sense of something slick and the flick of the tail. callous current extends the sense of motion of the fish, which is impressive, however callous is a curious word there. it clearly is personifying the current as uncaring, indifferent, however even when people are described aa callous it usually implies they are "rough", which is synergistic with its literal definition. There may be a better word than callous to use here as trying to reconcile the fact that water is smooth with the sense it is callous interrupts the momentum of reading the poem. BUT... ...if you decide to be audacious enough to leave it... (and that could be a very good thing, perhaps)... make "Dueling the callous current..." the first line of the poem. It's such a visceral, primal line it is powerful enough to open the poem Throw the reader straight into the water! (don't forget the reader exists, the poem is taking them on a journey, an experience. open with a splash! when appropriate). The reader needs a way to enter the space of the poem. "Just an ugly fish" is a thought, an opinion, there is no physical sense to ground the reader in the poem. Dueling the callous current, gives an immediate sense. the tension of the line allows the reader to hit the ground running, or rather swimming on this case. you could rewrite the entire poem around the frantic energy and tension of the Dueling the callous current. the rest of the poem, as it is, is a bit Eyeore-ish, slow, melancholy, I-give-up-ish. Attempting to capture the physical sensation of the battle, the strain of the fight might be more engaging artistically. a battle leaves the possibility of winning and an uncertain outcome, and the yearning to succeed in happiness leaves the readee more options to connect to. If you dare, I would reconsider rewriting the poem simply about the fish. It can be entirely about your experience as you wish BUT you can communicate your experience and emotion by showing an unusual empathy for the fish, an intimate understanding of its suffering. The reader will understand you truly know what it feels like through the authentic descriptions of how the fish feels, all without ever saying I or like me. The reader will find you at the center of the riddle and it will be more powerful because it is they who realized your presence, they in a sense have recreated you from the poem and you will be alive in it through their own act of understanding. good luck. hope something i said i useful. lovely poem. keep writing. edited by superlativedeleted on 2/1/2019
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