Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Still my first poem ever, updated. Slam is hard

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

8/27/2017 12:50:31 PM Just A Beginner Posts: 2	I am a man... and I have always heard it said by women that catcalling is bad news. This never mattered to me, why would it? I'm not a woman, and I don't catcall. I was even proud of myself for talking to someone after they catcalled one of my friends and letting them know it wasn't ok. Thinking to myself, if every single person who was against it could just say this to someone, the problem would be gone! Ignorance was my bliss though, because little did I know I was blind to the ways of the world In all of IT'S ignorance Because time flies by but there's Not a day, Not a minute, Not a second terrorized where a girl DOESN'T get harassed for what she 'implies' DOESN'T get catcalled and goes home and cries DOESN'T look down at herself and the clothes on her thighs before she steps out the door under the memorized guise that looks mean the most to all of the guys Do you realize how wrong what I just said was? I'm not a ** the system kind of dude But when the system says that a women has to have a waist of this magnitude and a man has to have a poor aptitude for gratitude When this shame leads to eating disorders and repressed emotions and more problems than I can name I start to question where I should be placing my blame Because not every man has to have an 8 pack and not every woman has to literally show her bones through her skin like the sin that seeps from the cracks of a broken body image Yet somehow in the noise of the world something as trivial as a catcall literally slips away in the fake convivial ecstasy bred from iniquity Whilst one whistle on the street means nothing to a world recieveing an unwanted appendectomy It means everything to the 13 year old girl who just went out for a movie with her friends Breathlessly being alone for the first time ...Alone... The sweats and hoodies don't stop the regrets and unease simply because this girl is so helplessly alone Alone in a time that thinks that a tipsy dude from the single bar on the street saying something is so perfectly ok When the only thoughts on her mind if she is going to be ok, or be the front of tomorrows newspaper A self defence class can teach a girl to put keys in-between fingers or to wear hair down so it can't be grabbed as easily But a class can't teach her how to hold the keys she doesn't have because she is too young to drive How to navigate the safest route home in a town she has never been in before, Lucky for her she knows a guy Yet even her, the recipient and subject of more than any one person should ever have to stand struggles with amaurosis And she doesn't see the girl on the other side of the road, who isn't walking with someone perceived as a threat Or hear as she slowly and solemnly makes her way through more unholy calls of orally delivered morally wrong phrasing Because as much as a man thinks a cat call is praising It's just more ** women have to deal with at the end of their day And it's about time we step up and learn, that some things are not ok Any thoughts on changes/thoughts at all? Would love to hear it -Just A Beginner
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/28/2017 6:39:40 PM PATRICIA CRESSWELL Posts: 3	This may not seem like a tough criticism. I don't know slam but I know this message and it is good and true. Once I got the rhythm it flowed smoothly. It showed a deep understanding of women's problems with catcalls.
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/28/2017 9:27:30 PM Dean Wood Posts: 31	This is much smoother than the first time I read it. Great job with the edit. I caught one spelling error you may want to fix. "self defense" is how it is spelled. Nice work!
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/29/2017 3:00:50 AM Darren White Posts: 31	Self defence is good too, it depends on where you live how it is spelled
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/30/2017 10:09:48 AM Dean Wood Posts: 31	Oh, my bad! I'm from the US. Thanks for clarifying that Darren!
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/30/2017 11:58:59 PM David Jacobs Posts: 1	Most women I know like men and they realize all too soon there won't be any calls cat or otherwise.
	• permalink • reply with quote