Gratitude for Courage to Listen to Our Inner Spirits - Kathleen Kroll's Blog

Yesterday is a whirlwind in my memory.  I can taste it.  I feel its tightness in my chest.  It tingles along the edges of my tongue.  My mouth has pins and needles.  Their stabbing pricks enlarge and then fade.  My breath feels warm as I exhale.   The tightness extends through my leg muscles.  

Exhileration destroys peace though it is addictive.  Excitement is what I crave yet it fatigues me.   Our goal was to plan an especially memorable trip for our 75th birthdays.  Weeks of floating plans and then discarding them opened to our dream trip of traveling to South Africa.  We would experience nature in its birthplace.  It would be a once in a lifetime experience that we would remember forever.  There were problems - the 30 hour plane trip especially caused much worry,  planning and discarding of plans.  Finally, we saw a travel agent who floated a plausible strategy.

Still, there were health issues that caused me, especially, some angst.  Two days ago, my husband had his 3 month doctor's appointment.  When the doctor heard what we were contemplating, he laid the possible consequences on the line.  Generally, B's doctor is a no nonsense, strictly business, type of person.  Yet he was moved enought to confess that he, whom he considers fairly agile and healthy, fell twice in the space of a month recently.  I was proud of my husband who said that although he refuses to live his life in fear that he is not foolhardy and will reconsider our trip.  

In the space of 24 hours, we scrapped a travel plan that was months in the making and substituted one with which we are both happy.  So why am I feeling emotionally exhausted and depleted?  I feel confident that we made the right decision.  

I have very little musical educattion or training but I find classical music healing..  My spirit responds to its soothing qualities.  Our new plan will open fresh doors to its appreciation.  I have always dreamed of hearing a concert(s) in the places in which it was composed.  This trip will allow us to do that.  

How can we justify the months of planning that will never materialize?  Perhaps we don't need to.  There are some things that you are just not meant to do. I am so glad that we listened to our inner spirit.  This trip was not right for us as evidenced by the agonizing journey to "make it work".  We were in South Africa for a time if only in our imagintion.  More importantly, we are being moved by a new spirit, music and travel.  Perhaps I will go to South Africa in my next lifetime.  But for now I intend to follow the music.