BAD HABBIT

Written by: SILENCE ZVARAYA

   
           
Pinioned to   my   world of ambivalence.
I cry,
I   sob,
It will   not let go.
In me it rises like the sun.
I   stare still.
Like a burden I   barge of its   weight.
The bidding always whispers,
Don`t   let go,
Let go,
And I   shall not let go.
I  do  it  at  ease  but  regret  with  grim  pain .
Vent the feeling but the worry shall blossom.
My mind shall burn.
My heart will ache.
Tears will trickle,
But   with a smile.
Sit on the king’s   throne,
Wearing a crown of thorns.
The world of regrets will always shelter me.
Like a dodger tricks my weak heart.
Like wind,
blows  away  my  wishes  for  the  good .
Forever it is the prison of   my   good heart.
With vigour in my   heart I   pursue it.
But with a   weak despondent heart,
I am bound to regrets.
The will   is not in me,
but  the compulsion  whispers  in  my  world  always .
What matters won`t   matter until I have done it.
What   doesn`t matter matters after I   have   done it.
The will of my heart,
Never compromise with the will of   my flesh,
It seems unbridgeable.
When  I   say  no  I  go  weak  and  lonely .
When  I  say  yes  I   sink  in  pain .
Maybe   agree.
Maybe   disagree.
Bitter - sweet   never sweet.
I   own the keys to these fetters,
But I shall unlock them.
Bound to it I shall   not let go.
Who then shall   set me   free?
I desire   it!
I   despise it!
Living in these two worlds.
What  I  truly  want  is  not  what  I  do .
What  I  do  is  what  I  don`t   want  to  do .
I know no understanding   of what I do.
The motives and the emotions of mine,
Shall never agree.
This friend I love to hate,
Hate that I love.
You are my comrade to my ending,
but  my  enemy  at  my  ending .
My heart knows,
but still I hate to   hate   you.
Nestling on my soft spot,
Drives   my   emotions and reactions,
to the land of worry.
But  still  I  bow  down  to  your  decoy .
Understanding   nothing of mine.
Who am I?
Where to?
Maybe it is a weakness in me.
For  long   I  shall  run  away  from  my  shadow ,
Being a stranger in my own life.