shattered

Written by: fred kanshamba

	

shattered! i am closed down. my life is slowly breaking as more pains come in. i am hurt and i am sad. i am in denial.

disappointed! i am hurting and i am crying. i cry but my tears do not matter to anybody.

life! is this all there is to it? sufferings, pains and agonies? i am done for it. fed up! i have lost the fire to see tomorrow. that fire which ignites hope. oh! did i just mention hope?

hope! just what i need. wait! i have hope. i just dont have it with me or in me. hope is that which revives and it is just what am missing... a revival. i so much want to hope. ok, now i am hoping to have hope. does that mean that i already have hope? is it that am not just believing? well, then help me believe. i so much want to believe. i feel so alone and let don.

deserted! unwanted and hated! those words are ever in my mind. they echo in my dreams and in my sleep. they haunt me. the air i breathe is that of resentment and rejection. all i know about myself is that i am filthy.

yes! filthy. but not literally. stupid is the word she used. how could i not have seen it coming? am i really dumb as the other one put it?

stuck! i dont have the answer to that. ignorant he is, am sure you are telling yourself. i am slowly letting go. the people that matter to me most, the closest and the trusted have made me become this shallow person. my self esteem is dead and none of them care for it. i am a burden to most of them and you know yourselves. some have told me off. some have shown it and some of you are just about to.

why? i ask myself. what have i really done? yes! i know. i falter alot but do you have to hate me with all that is in you? i cry when i sit to think of my life, my friends, my family, my loved ones and what they all do to me. is there anything i can do to atleast feel a bit of your love? even just for a day?

i wonder! why am i still living? why am i still alive in this world where no one even wants to hear my name? letting go. but wait! maybe there is hope. all i can do is hope. and i wish!

i wish mum was still around. she's the only person that ever genuinely loved me. i hurt her, i insulted her, i disrespected her but yet she loved me even more. she taught me how to love and i loved. what did i get in return? hatred, resentment and all that i get from most of you.. why?

God! look upon me. show me your love and mercy. make me believe and give me the fire to hope.

i have one mind.