haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay

Written by: Cyndi MacMillan




one star
escapes the gaseous cloud –
Nazis turn and leave 




Okay, I want things to mean one thing only until the final line is read. But perhaps the first line is too... insignificant?

Does this work better?


one yellow star
escapes the gaseous cloud -
Nazis turn and leave


If I write


one star of David
escapes the gaseous cloud- 
Naxis turn and leave

I think I'm giving away too much... though it may add a great deal of understanding to the final version, but I want there to be a moment when the reader first only identifies with nature...

I see this image so strongly that I may try this as something other than a haiku ... maybe a six to eight line free verse.