A Religious Man

Written by: Joe Flach

I sat in church listening to the preacher
Without hearing a single word he said
I was thinking about the football scores
And my favorite team instead

As they passed around the collection plate
I put my money in
Wondering just what was the going rate 
To have God absolve you of your sin

When it came time to share a sign of peace
I turned to the pretty lady in the red dress
Giving her my most pious smile
Trying real hard to impress

I shook the preacher’s hand at the door
Saying I loved his sermon that day
Anxious to get out of my tie
And to be on my merry way

As I stopped at the traffic light
With the windows down in my new car
A homeless man walked up to me
And started talking real bizarre

He said, “You know there’s nothing special about Sundays
Nothing special about the building they call a church
By simply going through the ritual
You don’t improve what your soul is worth”

“If you would rather be watching football games
You can talk to me some other time when you are free
And twenty dollars in a collection basket
Doesn’t buy your soul out of poverty”

“That lady in the red dress
Is much too young for you
And you have to fix the relationship you are in
Before moving on to someplace new”

The cars were honking from behind me
Because the traffic light was green
I turned around to shout at them
Then turned back and that man was nowhere to be seen

I drove the rest of the way home in a haze
Wondering if I imagined the whole scene
But when I turned on the football game
That man was in a commercial on my screen

“So think about the words I said
And talk to me on your own time
In a location of your choosing
When you are in the right frame of mind”

“I am always available to hear you
And provide guidance along the way
But the outcome of these football games
Is not a thing for which to pray”

So, I gave up church on Sundays
And I donate to other charities instead
And today I am a more religious man
Always conversing with God inside my head