I just can't win

Written by: Vicky Tsiluma

And 
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME???
The pity…
I can’t stand the pity in your beautiful eyes.

If I could tear out my heart
I’d hold my hand over yours as you fight in
vain to keep the vessels from erupting.

WHY ARE YOU HERE WITH ME???
Can’t you see I’ll drag you down with me?
I believe in love, it’s true,
but I’m ninety percent introverted. I can’t let 
anyone into my personal space. Especially you.
I just can’t do it.

I refuse to compromise and yet I’m surrounded
by impunity.
I dare not submit in the face of patriarchy
I spit on book knowledge in a society that glorifies ‘diplomas’
My arthritic bones laugh at me whenever I 
start a new exercise regime
My mouth craves sugar and my
heart spasms in the wake of cholesterol
My eyes shoot daggers at you as my
hand charms you with poetry. And yet…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
The back of my head aches and I drown myself
in cheap pain killers and back door laxatives.
I mean, what am I to do when I can’t afford a brain
scan and my family is lounging in poverty?

Lately I find myself forgetting things, mixing words,
Misspeling phrasis… But I’m a writer…
Aaargh!!! Why is this happening to me?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW???
Stay away from me, my love, my precious.
I don’t want you near me when I self-destruct.
Can’t you see??? …I just can’t win…