Itchy Bum

Written by: Patrick Maitland

Sitting at the table, with prim and proper guests
We only started eating after the food was blest.
While chatting to the Vicar, I felt a sudden twitch
My voice started trembling, because my bum began to itch.

I wiggled on the chair, hoping to rub the itch away
It would not bloody budge, the itch had come to stay.
I poured the wine quite calmly, while wondering what to do.
The itch was now quite vicious, my mind was in a stew.

Though the itch had started slowly, it was now a raging pain
I had to scratch it quickly, or I’d go insane.
As my hand was moving downward, ready for a scratch
They made me light the candles with a ruddy match.

The meal dragged on so slowly, it seemed to take so long
And every time I tried to scratch, my timing was wrong.
But when the meal was over, the Vicar made us pray
I prayed with such intensity, the itch just went away