Written by: John Heck

On the 10th day of Christmas -
I didn't have a true love.
I burned my knee caps with cigarette butts.

On the 9th day of Christmas -
I reminisced about the death of John Lennon
and watched re-runs of Gunsmoke.

On the 8th day of Christmas -
I called my cell phone 8 times because I was lonely
and needed to hear a familiar voice.

On the 7th day of Christmas -
I fell asleep in St. Patrick's cathedral
and didn't drink from the baptismal font.

On the 6th day of Christmas -
My best friend passed away.
I saved his Bloomingdale's gift-receipt.

On the 5th day of Christmas -
I watched the movie: "It's A Wonderful Life."
I simultaneously laughed at my own.

On the 4th day of Christmas -
I woke up and opted to eat stale fruitcake
Shards of broken Christmas ornaments adorned my flesh.

On the 3rd day of Christmas -
Was the 3rd day of Christmas. 
I burned my Advent calendar while drowning in a scotch-bath.

On the 2nd day of Christmas -
I prayed for nonsensical, spiritual guidance.
No one, of any importance, heard me.

On the last day of Christmas -
I purchased myself a rifle.
I found it unnecessary to re-read the instructions.