Cruel Hope

Written by: louzana nubani

I lay here, unarmed, and vulnerable to the damage that has been done. I want to cry, I can cry and I will.
The feeling of it all, discomforts me, hypnotizes me, leaves me wondering; who have I got left? I think and the answer terrifies me, shakes me; how come? I have no one.
These breaths, they puzzle me, how do I breathe for nothing? No one? 
And yet so eagerly, I look up for better things, brighter beginnings, but the thought ends, will I truly be happy? Can something powerful enough in the days ahead of me give me comfort? Bring me peace? 
Yes I have been fooled, betrayed several times now. I have figured out my flaws; I trust too much, love too much, and forgive. I don’t know why but I seem to refuse giving up this false matter, false clinging to this object, idea, or spirit, named “Hope”. 
Yes it beats me up, yes I have been slain, slaughtered, and shattered; in the walls of denial, and query I was trapped, destined to taste suffer, with the eyes of mine I did see, moments, and events that slaughtered me like ice and fire, those eyes of mine, show me things I don’t wish to see, they slaughter me, although part of me, organs of my being, they still do. In the times where I thought I was strong, in times where I thought hope would save me, now it shatters me in the presence of all thy people, makes me its slave by clinging to it, begging for mercy, for chances, and for that I am weak. They all thought I was strong, unbreakable, but now everything proves them wrong; I do break..
These tears I thought will cleanse me, purify, and strengthen me, but now whenever I do cry; those tears are just like whips that drain out my strength, deteriorate my goals, and terrorize my dreams, and so I abandon them..