Now that i think of it

Written by: louzana nubani

Now that I think of it; what do I live for? No eternal love for a beloved. No ever-lasting friends to count on; what do I fight for then? What do I long everyday to see? I’m just a person, who once had something and now lays here with nothing. 
I remember the days, and the years, I so joyfully laughed, so beautifully lived; those were the things that made me, and raised me. 
Now and what’s worst than ever? Is the present that haunts me, concurs to strip me, of all the things that made me? Who am I? What have I done? And what will I ever be?
Nothing... As the fatal silence kills me, I just lay here, with an empty heart, stripped from ambitions, from goals, from friends and family, I lay here with a heart that continues to pump blood to smother and deceive me. Convincing me once I had everything, convincing me I had everything I needed to live, to grow stronger, and to survive this brutal process called living.
Again and again, over and over, I have thought, I have prayed, I have begged. But how could I have not have known? How could I not see? All this laughter, these days, these false friends I thought I trusted, these disguised lies, were to asphyxiate me once I uncovered them. 
What was I to become, if each day slays me deeper? Each heartbeat smothers me tighter? How could I breathe again? How could I be? How could I be the person I once was? That living, loving, life-praising person? 
This is just too much… I close my eyes, would I not be spared?