Latley I have been consumed with the notion of dying...
How can one become ready, not afraid, not panicked??
When I think about lying in a hospital bed knowing that at any
moment I will be taking my last breath...I cant breathe...literally...
I must have some lack of faith, to be so afraid of dying...
surley if I were a true believer then death would be a welcome rest, a reprieve
from all this strife...yet I struggle to live,
I struggle to be important enough to someone,
so that I will not be forgotten...dust to dust....all before me have died,
all after me shall die...yet I fear it.
Being rememberd, loved, missed....here....not replaced!!
Yet how can we not be replaced, that is the meaning of life, the circle,
a never ending replacement system....I want to mean more than
so many pounds of matter dispersed into relitivity....
Last words to the ones I love, how can I make them meaningful, poetic,
educational, inspirational.....when I really want to say....dont let me go....
I want my family to be happy, yet it saddens me to think of them happy without me...
the push the shove...forget me not, my love...be happy...
Self rightous assumptions, "She would have wanted me to have this"....inside I seeth,
greedy hands full, belongings scattered, monetary value, over sentiment..
Dignity lost, alone absolutly alone, disected.... pumped full of fluid, lip glossed,
powdered....proped up....empty vessel
Lord, forgive me my ignorance, my vanity, my human instinct to live,
my constant struggle against all that is......