all that i feel

Written by: Charles Leniger

Life has consumed me.
I am a harsh bitter shell of the hero I used to be.
An innocent boy full of love now flourished into a savage ripping, thrashing, selfish monster.

Yes, its true I am a monster and seemingly destined to wallow this way.
I find peace in little to nothing now and my heart cries out for love!
I believe its too late and nothing can be done salvage what was once so real.

This monster that so subtly guides me has damned me to this living hell 
"Is there no Saviour!?" i cry hoping for more but so faithless i cry.
There is a God who can redeem the love but why should he ever give me what i want?

I'm so selfish i cannot over come! i have no will, nothing to fight for.
It should be everything just to fight for the presence of that God of mine
but alas this monster has taken even that joy.

Why did all this happen? Everything was exactly as i needed..
I let it become this way with all my curiosity and ignorant "insight" of the world.
I realize now that I know nothing and never will I find what I am looking for.

Despair has wretched my inner most being and I am afraid that its grasp will never let me 
live but instead swallow me whole.
The life I long for sits boldly in my face but a can do little to achieve it for every time I reach 
my hand is slapped away and my body and mind are thrown to the ground so that i might 
pick these pieces up and learn a little humility.

But still it all seems pointless, why learn anything at all when you can truly know nothing?
Why should I try? why should I fight? I'm helpless, meaningless here. i am void an without 
purpose so it seems.
I want more but cannot have it. 

I just want to be accepted.

I just want to be loved.

I just want your everything so i can know i am not the only one capable of showing true love.

Selfish it seems because selfish it is. But what else am I supposed to feel!?
You think I never knew but i was watching all along.
You thought i couldn't see but the mirror behind you showed that silver blade.
I watched as you stabbed it through over and over again!

Yes, I know that not all of what i see is true but tone it down for what it is and yes I see the 
truth. You cant deny what you did and for it no excuse. What did this bald man give you that i 
didnt!? iI makes week sickens my heart and makes me want to die! 
Physical or not the emotion was betrayed! You say you love I saw that 
truth so why would you throw it away!?