Dear God, What's My Charge?

Written by: Jay Smith

This poem is about how I feel the world has betrayed at most every turn.

I received my awakening,
About the age of three,
Too young for understanding,
Of why it was me.
A house full of roaches,
A room shared by four,
A floor thick with ashes,
A splintered front door.

At the age of three,
I cracked my head in the hall,
I asked my mom for a hug,
She slammed me into the wall.
Soon after this,
I was mauled by a Rott,
Just a random-found stray,
That tied my face in a knot.

Later that year,
My parents divorced,
Leaving me as,
A weakening force.
My mother moved away,
And took my baby sis,
Left the rest of family,
Without even a kiss.

Father was a drunk,
He hardly was capable,
Of nourishing his children,
So it was inescapable,
That CPS came,
Said, "Get it together",
I think then, he tries,
To make our lives better.

Months later, he drives,
To the grocery store,
Leaving us with babysitters,
He'd never done that before.
Next thing that I knew,
Banging at the door,
Two men with gold badges,
Yell, "Get on the floor!"

The babysitters dropped,
Hands behind head,
I thought my dad changed,
I see this instead.
I now see my father,
Glazed eyes, in handcuffs,
Police say its O.K.,
I see through their bluffs.

To my great-grandmother's,
On my father's side,
Her house was my new home,
A new place to reside.
Soon we moved again,
My father's dad's house next,
Everything was changing,
Life got more complex.

From this moment on,
I'm in therapy and day-treatment,
Being told there's something wrong,
Due to my prior maltreatment.
At my new house,
I gained a new brother,
Six years older than me,
I look up to him more than others.

Now seven years old,
In second grade,
Christmas is here!
My worst moment this decade.
Christmas day!
Playing with new toys,
My brother, and me
Running around just like boys,

I said, "This day's perfect!"
My brother shook his head,
He said, “No day's perfect."
Which filled me with dread,
The very next morning,
Grandma told my sisters and I,
"To the living room, kids.”
My heart jumps to the sky.

"Last night, your mother...
Shot herself twice...”
These words dropped like bombs,
So strong, so concise.
"She was rushed to the hospital,
And put on life support."
Though I learned that that morning,
They pulled the plug from its port.

Confused, miserable,
Depressed, distraught,
Why me? What'd I do?
A screaming, sobbing thought.
My life is a blur,
My pain is too large,
Is this life a punishment?
Dear God, What's My Charge?