MY JOURNEY TO YOU
Little eyes search a new world . . .
The gaze and suckle for food, body and soul.
A tiny heart tuned to the glow and tone of love.
Compelled to bond . . . drawn to the love gaze
Mother . . . Father
Chosen in the soul’s spirit quest
what was known, now obscured
Soul’s desire to be flesh.
How was I conceived?
An act of love, desire, need, lust, passion?
Unconscious of my own conception
The invisible participant
Life’s mysterious ménage a trios.
Being born oblivious provides no insulation
when delivered into the acetylene torch
crossed and frayed wires of bitter parents.
Explosions of rage . . . too sudden for small and toddling legs to escape.
Tender senses scorched. Heart seared. Terrified.
Mind’s burrows dug deep beneath the conflagration.
Huddle and tremble
await signs of fire storms conclusion.
A fearful crawl to the surface
Deciphering the face of mother then father.
Eyes, searing embers.
They trudge through rubble
charred corpses of words
shouted . . . and threatened
souls scared and armored.
Words the mistaken enemy
Instigators of continued marital strife
Silence a simmering refuge
Frost bitten eyes of evasion
Shielded, scorched hearts
Tolerated phantoms they
An endless cold war in a place called home.
In the beginning was the word
Your sounds in my mind and mouth.
Coo and babble.
The ancient celestial winds swirled in my lungs.
The divine conductor orchestrated the mystical moment:
ma ma. . . . da da
Did you truly hear me?
My hands on a chair . . . the letting go . . . timid steps into the great void
wobbling legs, diaper descending, butt naked, I toddled
pudgy arms reached to you.
Were you there?
. . . Love . . .
a mere obligation to a vow?
. . . Love . . .
a mere arrangement of consonants and vowels?
Time and again . . . the fearful crawl to the surface
Decipher the face of mother then father
Vacant gazes to anywhere but each other
Mutual strangers carving a frozen asylum
Indifference their drug for festering wounds.
You . . . Phantom to phantom
become my phantoms.
Your vacant stare my vacant stare.
A child’s confusion:
Mother . . . Father
How did I lose the magic to enthrall?
How did I fail you?
What did I do to lose your love?
Still the yearn for the joy that welcomed my birth.
I was your precious one
Your bright eyes
My joy of your joy
My delight of your delight.
Vague memories of enfolded fondness.
The tender embrace, the serene snuggle, the oneness of a we.
The need and want of love:
How can I rekindle your love?
A desperate search for the fuel.
I gather kindling in all that I do: school, sports, honors
The ritual marches to deliver pleading offerings.
A love shrouded in absence
I look down at my accomplishments:
Mere twigs and sticks, decayed dead wood
food of ungrateful insects
Burden and tears fall to earth
Healing is a foreign and alien place
The decision final
Never again to return.
A youth’s anguish:
I hate you for bringing me into your hell.
I know my place . . .
Mind’s burrows dug deep beneath the carnage.
Isolation . . . the numbness of drugs oblivion.
Transformation . . . Before my eyes!
Girls all about me . . . beauty.
A bolt of lightning, a direct hit, burrow piercing radiance.
Wild scramble to the surface.
Drawn to the love gaze
a boy . . . a girl
chosen in soul’s spirit quest to love and be loved
You . . . I
Our limbs and souls entwined
ethereal blazing stars
Creator’s gift in deed.
A solemn vow
spoken man-child to woman-child
born of wounded hearts
witnesses to the rebirth of love
In all our imperfection
In times of anger, hurt and fear
. . . No matter how difficult the task . . .
. . . No matter how great the challenges of self-revelation . . .
. . . together we will stand . . .
. . . eye to eye . . .
. . . embrace to embrace . .
. . . heart to heart . . .
. . . soul to soul . . .
. . . Teaching each other the words and touches that heal . . .
. . . Our togetherness a true labor and gift of love . . .