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My Heart Stopped Beating

The unjust of this dawned
So she walked slowly not to fall
Knees weak
Shortening her breath with every step
Clambering up the concrete steps
Until she was far enough
Distressed
Fingers uncooperative with keys
Laying her back on the wall of her prison
Why was it different
It hurt more
Shocked more
Chest heavy
Grief affecting her
This terrible ache consuming every pore
Harder to swallow
It was him she's sure

She loons at me
I know the look
She's hiding behind the sofa
Saying he's been back banging on the door
I know it was the tumble dryer upstairs
Her eyes are bloodshot
A beautiful bright blue bloodshot
Wide as fish eyes
She's been pacing all night holding a knife
She's holding an umbrella
I took the knives last time she cut her wrists
She's in torn clothes as she tears at her flesh
I feel my flesh tear
That's her last nice dress
No longer nice but torn and red
I give her trousers and a belt
My own only just brought
They drown her
At least she's covered
She says he's been calling her all night on the phone
I took the phone when she smashed it on the wall
I try to think of everything
In the bathroom there's hair in the chipped shabby sink
She's been pulling it out by the roots
I feel my scalp it's sore, alien
I feel everything
I removed the scissors when she shredded her scalp cutting her hair off
Saying this is why he had her
Her long golden hair
My hair
Lithium pills
In the cabinet, too many
Too many pulls
She should of taken these

She calms
I calm
Promising to take her pills, begging don't send me back to hell
But at the secure unit she's safe 
I'm safe
Says she'll have a bath and 
be better tomorrow
She's settled, I'm settled
So I leave
I'll come back in the morning
I sleep soundly
First night in months
The morning light gives me slight hope
I can't remember this feeling much

I hear a crash 
I run
I'm taking too long
Kicking the door in
I thank God for kickboxing
She's swinging from the oak beam in the ceiling
My belt around her neck
Juddering
I look for a knife
I look for scissors 
To cut her down
Cut me down
I look for a phone to call an ambulance

I feel my body juddering
My heart stop beating
The belt
The new belt
I hadn't thought about the belt


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