A total Jedi mind f*ck from Hell is what this is. I feel like a nuclear bomb has exploded in
my mind of Hiroshima proportions and I am on the brink of a Chernobyl meltdown.
Bewildered may be the best description of what I am feeling right now. I cannot process
anything; I feel like I am in total and utter f*cking shock. I apologize for the expletives;
I normally never curse when I write because I find it uncouth, but I have to get these
feelings out; I know if I don't, I will want to cut, which is the last thing in the world I want to
do. God knows I have enough scars; I don't need or want anymore.
From great pain comes great inspiration, I believe. Even though my mind is positively
reeling at this very moment as I type, I feel exponentially inspired. I am completely
overwhelmed emotionally, and I have just now stopped sobbing and weeping enough to
write; to get these horrid feelings out of me.
Even the smallest of troubles or strife turn into absolute tragedy and catastrophe in my
mind; I cannot help or control it, and God knows I wish I could. I "catastrophize" everything.
My best friend of 15 years just called me and told me she was moving to Alabama. I
shouldn't even say "best friend" for she is more like a sister to me. Always, always she
has been close by and been there for me as I have been for her, and now she is moving
what seems like galaxies away from me, and the pain I am feeling is so tremendous and
shocking; so unnerving and vexing and tormenting and afflicting...I could go on forever
with melancholy and exasperating adjectives and descriptions. In my mind, she is dead
and I am hosting the funeral in my brain. That's totally insane; I understand that, but at
this moment I am NOT rational. For a moment after I stopped crying my eyes out, I
almost felt catatonic. In my partner's arms, I just wept as he held me; I was shaking
and shuddering furiously. I feel lost. I haven't felt this powerless or helpless since my
grandparents died. She is moving away and there is nothing I can do about it. I am
a horrible and selfish human being for I want her to stay, so desperate do I feel.
Wendy, my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime; my cohort, consort, comrade,
co-conspirator: you who know me best, inside and out, like a book...you are leaving me,
and my sorrow is swallowing me whole- devouring me like an angry, rabid beast. Don't
go; don't leave me. With every fiber of my being I wish you to stay, but you've made up
your mind and told me your decision at the worst possible time, when I am already too
stressed to deal with or process this kind of pain and anguish in a healthy way. I'm ready
to hit the bottles: whisky and Lortab. They will ease the pain and will quell the compulsion
This is the most personal blog I have written. I didn't know what else to do but turn this
despair into words to help ease the heartache and suffering. If anyone cares, I need
support right now. I need prayers and well wishes and good vibes; I am about to crumble
to pieces. I feel like the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I don't
know what to do. This is the worst feeling in the world. Uncertainty is truly the worst of all