The True Story Of Ariel
You know the story 'bout Ariel
The one that’s on the Disney cereal
Who came to the happy soppy ending
With the prince and herself winding up kissing?
Well, it’s about time you knew the truth:
That story is faker than any gran’s tooth!
It’s just a lie grown-ups tell to keep you happy
When you’re feeling exceptionally cross and snappy.
But now, I’m going to tell you the true one,
So you’d better get ready and spit out that chew-gum.
‘Cause I’m sure, I guarantee,
That after I'm done, you’ll feel sick as can be.
The tale got all right until the part
Explaining why Ariel was last to depart
From her mermaid sisters, to the land
To see the seashore’s sparkling sand.
“So why?” You cry, “What’s wrong with that?”
I’m about to explain- hold on to your hat.
It was definitely NOT because she was the youngest-
It was just another tale spun to trick the youngsters.
The truth was: She had a gruesome habit
Of burping out loud whenever she felt it!
It was because of this revolting reason
That the merking didn’t want to send her packin’
In case she met a dignified person.
But alas! He couldn’t keep her forever;
She zoomed off with a shake and a waver.
She shot up, past seaweed and coral and grass,
Until she came to the surface at last.
But just then she got the bubbly feeling
That she always got just before burping.
So she let go- there was a boom!
That sent the fish scattering back to their rooms,
That vibrated the water for miles around,
And through hollow caves did the boom resound.
Just at this moment, the prince was aboard
A little sailboat, complete with his sword.
For he had decided to take a stroll
To relax after a lesson of arrow & bow.
He had just settled down, and was whizzing gleefully
When the force of the explosion knocked him clean into the sea.
His sword flew away to god-knows-where,
His belt got caught in Ariel’s hair.
“Yippee!” she cried, “A human being!
Why, I can hardly believe what I’m seeing!”
But the prince, poor thing, he was half dead,
Being choked by the water and bashed on the head.
While the wicked Ariel was saying,
“Why, I’ve always wanted one for a pet!
I think I shall keep him in a net!”
And with that she dragged the poorly prince
Deep into the mermaid realms.
She carefully hid him in her closet
For fear that the merking might find and see it.
Then she rummaged under her bed, threw out a flask,
And at last retrieved an oxygen mask.
She crammed it onto the prince’s face,
Much to the fainted prince’s distaste.
The prince, after a while, finally came to,
Princess Ariel, delighted, gave a loud “Ooohh!”
“You’ve woken up!” she cried joyfully,
“From now on I shall call you Barnaby!”
The prince tried to tell her his name was Eric,
But she simply said, “Don’t speak, my chick,”
And swam away with a swish of her frock.
Oh! The horror! Oh! The shock!
The prince felt thunder-struck by it all,
He wished someone would hear his feeble call.
But the sea was thick as custard pie,
And no one could hear his strangled cry.
But alas! The oxygen in the mask
Couldn’t, as you well know, forever last.
The prince soon became dizzy from the lack of air,
He gasped and choked and tore at his hair.
He ripped at the net with all his might,
But the seaweed was set stronger than granite!
At that moment his breath he could no longer hold,
And I’m sorry to say he died-not exactly strong and bold.
Now I’m sorry to tell
That this is the true, gruesome tale
Of the burp-burping, prince-napping Ariel.