WAITING TO EXHALE
Now that I have successfully alienated everyone else,
the time has come to liberate myself, having played
this out in my mind…so many times I guess I have
finally acted on it—as you try to comprehend.
This “fault”—this “defect” in my head--an
incessant obsession and desire to want to
trip all the switches which keep going -- either
overloading or slowing down into a very faint buzz,
reminding me and making me barely aware that
I am still physically present even though
it feels like I have died a slow death inside.
The exhaustion of knowing that the extreme highs and lows will
without fail, continue to repeat themselves, each one, each time,
leaving me more out of control and hopeless than the last.
It’s acknowledging my personal weaknesses, not being
able to maintain any inkling of mature responsibility and
the continued failure—feelings of guilt, incompetence and
letting people—family, friends, medical professionals
and even myself down, time and time again.
Coping mechanisms are deteriorating and becoming
dysfunctional until they reach the stage of being a self
destructive procedural descent in the same direction.
Alcohol and drug abuse will only numb the pain for
so long before they consume a person in the mere
volumes required to obtain the equivalent effect.
I have reached the stage where I feel I have made
a progressive step to the next level—to show myself
this time I have the courage to carry it through...
Finality will prove the unknown entity but…. it does not scare me any longer--
waiting to exhale…..
(This was a suicide note I wrote five years ago. Fortunately there was intervention and I was correctly diagnosed and received the appropriate medication. To anyone out there feeling this way-- there IS hope--- just pick up a phone or text/sms someone)