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Phantom Vessel, Versions One and Two

Jack Jordan Avatar Jack Jordan - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled Phantom Vessel, Versions One and Two which was written by poet Jack Jordan. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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Phantom Vessel, Versions One and Two

	Phantom Vessel - 
	Version One
	
	
	Damaged mind down
	down
	phantom vessel
	distance endless
	leaping chasm
	between two worlds
	no
	Slow roll
	left-hand take
	black marbles
	shade side glance 
	check
	Toward
	Hoarse Jesus whisper
	Listen 
	No need
	No need
	hand hold, right
	Brother follow
	heart hearing
	Jesusss.
	10 times
	Roll away home
	
	

	Phantom Vessel - 
	Version Two
	
	
	His damaged mind
	so far down
	down 
	it’s a phantom vessel 	
	an impassable chasm 
	between us.
	
	Rolling slowly toward me
	he takes my left hand
	his black eyes 
	looking side-to-side
	checking.
	
	Turns toward me 
	says “Jesus” 
	in his hoarse whisper.
	“Listen to me
	there’s no need for more
	no need.”
	Holding my right hand now
	“Brother 
	follow your heart 
	when it says Jesusss.”
	
	He chants “Jesusss” 
	ten times before
	he’s rolled away,
	home.


Version One is a crude attempt to write in the "pinyin" form of translation of
Chinese poetry into English:
  
http://www.chinese-poems.com/bo.html  

My poem is not based on translation of an actual Chinese poem. It's just an 
experiment.

I very much appreciate the expansion of the categories list, but it neglects
to include such possibilities as human, madness, insanity, illness, 
mental illness and others describing the human condition. "Pain" was 
as close as I could get to the actual intention of this poem, although it is far 
from correct.

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  1. Date: 6/10/2013 7:13:00 AM
    I agree with Timothy that "after reading Shakespeare one might be lead to think you have to be a literary genius to attempt poetry." This absolutely takes the reader to another realm of feeling the tinge of pain and hoplessness. I was able to discern the 2nd version easier than the first.

    Jordan Avatar Jack Jordan
    Date: 6/10/2013 9:31:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    Thanks for reading it. Version One attempted to capture the essence of what was happening, while Version Two had the bonus words, in Timothy's terms. Oh well... It was just an experiment... Jack
  1. Date: 6/9/2013 12:57:00 AM
    I believe I enjoyed this piece a lot more after reading the explanation... at first I was hopelessly confused, but now it's coming clear. The encounter is very unsettling... perhaps what's more disturbing is when one gets USED to it all. As far as Chinese go, the problem with it is the fact that English uses a lot of "in between" words to make it seem more flowing. Whereas in Chinese no bonus words are throw in... just the major ones if you know what I mean.

    Jordan Avatar Jack Jordan
    Date: 6/9/2013 8:51:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    The breadth of your reading never fails to amaze me. I'm exactly 50 years older than you, and am just now discovering the complexities of language and writing. I appreciate your comments... Jack
    Hicks Avatar Timothy Hicks
    Date: 6/9/2013 1:00:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    It's good to experiment cause that's the only way your writings will grow. I've attempted Chinese styled poetry before... it's a fun practice. They view poetry very differently than us Westerners... after reading Shakespeare one might be lead to think you have to be a literary genius to attempt poetry.
    Hicks Avatar Timothy Hicks
    Date: 6/9/2013 1:00:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    In China it's embraces the simplicity of everyday wording, an art form anyone can express themselves in. Sorry for the long reply, but I had a lot to say... lol.
  1. Date: 6/8/2013 6:19:00 PM
    Hey Jack...I'm not at all familiar with what you are talking about but the content seems to come from a deep place in you..which makes good poetry...

    Jordan Avatar Jack Jordan
    Date: 6/8/2013 9:53:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    The Chinese poetry thing is just an experiment, one of abstraction, like haiku. Regarding content, I do volunteer work at a mental hospital. I've attempted to describe a troubling encounter with a patient earlier this week. I don't think my experiment worked all that well, but it was worth a try.