As long as I can remember,which is about 40yrs,
I have always felt different.I have a different
outlook on how life should be.People think that
I use my mental illness as an excuse for the things
I do or how I think.I can only wish it was an excuse.
I will do anything to not have to live like I do now.
Anything includes leaving the physical world to
search for final peace,what ever that might be.I
have yet to find anything I enjoy or makes me
happy.I have lost a lot of important people that
I needed to succeed.I have lost my way and unsure
if I can find my way back.I don't trust anyone including
myself.I don't know how to express myself in the right
way so I don't get the help I need.Suicide is in my
thoughts daily.At times it consumes me.It has become
the poems I write,the music I listen to,the paper's I
read.It's everywhere.I am having dreams about driving
off a cliff only to awake just before.I don't feel like my
life is meant to be.Every road I follow leads me to a dead
end.I am only a burden.I love my kids and grandchildren
but feel I am holding them back.I do know how it feels
to lose your parents but if I stay around it will make it
harder for everyday life.It's not fair to anyone to go
through everyday being miserable.We all die someday.
I think it would be unique to die on your birthday.Mine
is coming up.I know that no one will believe it was an
accident and I am sorry.I know deep in my heart it is
better this way.Everyone tells me they just want me to
be happy.I can't seem to find happiness here.
Now I must make a final decision,
Life or Death.