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Man-trol

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Man-trol

On this day I confess that I am sad for life and what I chose,
What I am really feeling, only I and God knows.

June 2008, I met a handsome man during my work hours,
Who in the beginning, bought me flowers...

As time passed he begin to fight and
...and always thinks he is right.

His temper begin to explode on contact more and more,
Not only am I physically in pain, my heart is tore.

Why do I stay to endure  this pain?
I tried leaving over and over again.

It is always "I am sorry for hurting you, please forgive me",
I wish I can figure out how to just be.

The conquences are yelling and bodily harm,
Then before it's over, here comes the charm.

Manipulative, he is in deed,
With nothing to hang onto, my heart cannot feed...

...on the shadow love that is left,
And more and more my heart is becoming deaf.

I spend my days wondering why he makes loving him so hard,
Praying, "please help me Lord".

Though this is a cycle, he watched as a kid the very thing that he does,
...and me wishing that he would just forget what was.

Then I think to myself I can't blame his mom for doing what I am doing, hanging in there,
I often wonder was her staying caused by fear. 

Seems as if what he does is ok with some,
Which really, really makes my heart so very numb.

Is it ok?, because that is what you their hearts knew and learned,
Abuse is silent and should be a major concern.

No matter what type of abuse it is...
Something, Father must give....

I too watched and learned abuse, it that why I was attacted to this type of love,
Please Lord, reveal to me a end from above.

The funny thing is that he can be so sweet and caring at times, oh no, not me that is!,
Father God today, how much longer can my heart live?

He often brags to me that his sisters are very strong and does not let men harm them in any way,
But on the other hand reminds that "if I strike back, I will pay".

Everything that I do is not right my any means,
"He is so perfect" it seems...

Everything that I have just bundled up and said,
I shall leave this passion and pray for a end as I lay in my bed.

My prayer is "please on Lord help me find me once again,
Revise my heart O'Lord, remove me from this sin.
I am weak and with no words to say,
I understand Lord, it is Your Will and Your Way.
End this end the physical, verbal and emotional abuse,
I know from this point on I too have to fix what I choose.
I ask myself over and over, O'Lord is this what I deserve?
From my innocent eyes and closed ears all my life this is what I heard.
Your Word father, tells me that it is not so,
But, my fear of leaving O'Lord has me afraid to go.
I know I must build my faith, it is only in the amount of a mustard seed,
I pray to You in this time of need.
Graze my heart with love and peace until that day is finally here,
Until then help me Lord through this pain and fear.
I also pray for him Father, that those demons are released,
Graze his heart too, with love and peace.

Amen

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