Thinkin' 'bout them good ol' days
before the metric system was enforced.
I used to walk 2200 miles to school every day,
carryin' 14 watermelons,
7 melons perched on each shoulder.
Why did I carry watermelons to school?
'Cuz back then our teacher was an elephant,
and contrary to popular belief,
elephants don't like peanuts.
Elephants love watermelons.
This was before global warmin',
so the winters were still mighty cold.
Some days the temperature would drop down
to minus 600 degrees Fahrenheit.
The wind-chill factor could make this feel like minus 1100!
We still lived in igloos back then.
Grandpa Lou would fire-up 4 black and white television sets
tha' we used for our central heatin'.
Them television sets threw off lottsa heat!
But we didn't have in-house electrical wirin' and outlets.
No! We used an old generator powered by mice.
We bred generations of them lil' buggers
to run on the wheel inside of the generator.
In the good ol' days, we didn't have courtships,
marriage, the whole exchange of vows and such.
Us men strutted 'round like peacocks durin' their matin' season,
slapped our merchandise on the auction block,
and the highest bidder, the most interested party,
eventually became the proud mama of 16 to 25 chillen.
As for the chillen-producin' act itself,
well, we didn't perform it like them metrosexual girlie-boys of today -
why nowadays, from behind, it gets difficult to tell the young'uns apart!
Now, there's nothin' wrong with some of tha' 69 suckin' and lickin'
to prime the pump, but we wanted a woman to feel it
when it was time to stick it in,
feel it with some good, wholesome poundin' horsepower -
have her buck a bit, then hold on for the ride, like.
Boy, did we ever wage some classy wars back then.
We didn't have any of them fancy laser-guided
surface-to-surface, Tomahawk cruise missiles
tha' can be aimed right up a pigeon's arse!
No! We used rocks.
Plain ol' simple rocks.
The trick was to use a rock with some good heft to it,
but not too large, see.
We would strip nekkid, paint ourselves in the war-stripes
of our respective clans,
then engage with our enemies,
use them rocks to smash their gawwddamn faces in -
teeth, blood and bits of brain flyin' all over the place.
Now tha' made me feel like a real man!
'Twas intimate, like.
Fresh warm blood and brains slidin' down my face
as the sun rose to greet another new day,
scent of lilacs and yarrow billowin' on the breeze.
I would step away from an enemy's corpse,
its gawwddamn face smashed into a bloody pulp,
and I would look down into the valley with pride,
watchin' the saber tooth tigers and woolly mammoths
frolickin' and fornicatin' beside crystal clear water,
blue whales and walruses makin' their way up-stream
towards their seasonal spawnin' beds,
ready to lay some of them lil' bright orange tadpoles.
I remember them good ol' times like they was just yesterday.
Yep, dem wuz da gud ol' daze fo sho! Fo sho!