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haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay

Cyndi MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay which was written by poet Cyndi MacMillan. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay




one star
escapes the gaseous cloud –
Nazis turn and leave 




Okay, I want things to mean one thing only until the final line is read. But perhaps the first line is too... insignificant?

Does this work better?


one yellow star
escapes the gaseous cloud -
Nazis turn and leave


If I write


one star of David
escapes the gaseous cloud- 
Naxis turn and leave

I think I'm giving away too much... though it may add a great deal of understanding to the final version, but I want there to be a moment when the reader first only identifies with nature...

I see this image so strongly that I may try this as something other than a haiku ... maybe a six to eight line free verse.


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  1. Date: 8/13/2013 6:34:00 PM

    As for input regarding this haiku, I agree with your author's notes concerning giving away too much in the 3rd version, even though poetically, "Star of David" can work very well with a form other than haiku. Initially, I leaned on using the opening line of the 2nd version, but I think that since you have "gaseous" in the second line, and then of course, "Nazis" in the third line, simply opening with "one star" really lends to having that "aha!" moment by initially not giving too much away.

  1. Date: 8/13/2013 6:28:00 PM

    I fully realize how subjective individual taste is. If I was running your current Frida Kahlo contest, I just read the 1st place winner. Yup, my mind would be made up already, no matter wot else was submitted from now on in(unless a piece somehow(somehow?)managed to highlight the visceral, fighting nature of Frida Kahlo's paintings(and of herself)in even an even better manner).

  1. Date: 12/8/2012 10:38:00 AM

    I love your last version best..cause the yellow star gives an indication of what you re referring too dear..A brave person it had to.be to escape..I love this haiku..It reminds me of my visit to Auschwitz as a touridt..i dont want to ever visit again...The eerie aura i felt still.hsunts me.

    Chircop Avatar Charmaine Chircop
    Date: 12/8/2012 10:39:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    I meant haunt
  1. Date: 11/18/2012 2:46:00 PM

    Cyndi - found this while trolling the Haiku archives - just wondering - did you rewrite it in another form? If so, what is the title? I didn't find it in your stuff. I've absolutely no clue how you'd write this, but the topic is very intriguing. I made the Star/Nazi connection easily in the first version. I thought it signified the end of the holocaust (the Jews survived) and the Nazis left (by defeat).

  1. Date: 11/14/2012 6:17:00 PM

    you've really got some serious imagery here, but I don't know whom or what the one star is. Yes! I did terrible in history classes. hugs, Catie :)

    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan
    Date: 11/14/2012 7:02:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    the word gaseous was very intentional. Gas chambers. Some children did manage to escape detection. http://holocaust.hklaw.com/essays/2000/20007.htm
    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan
    Date: 11/14/2012 6:50:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    In my mind I see two things which I'm trying to convey. One that it is a cloudy night, but that one star avoids being covered by horrid cloud. The other is that while this is happening a Jewish person (as was required) manages to hide from Naxis during the a check of a house where she is hiding.
    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan
    Date: 11/14/2012 6:50:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    THe Jewish were required to wear a yellow star of David in 1938, just before the holocaust began. They were only allowed to shop/travel/eat at places that allowed the badge. I added a picture in the about link