haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay by CYNDI MACMILLAN

haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay

one star escapes the gaseous cloud – Nazis turn and leave Okay, I want things to mean one thing only until the final line is read. But perhaps the first line is too... insignificant? Does this work better? one yellow star escapes the gaseous cloud - Nazis turn and leave If I write one star of David escapes the gaseous cloud- Naxis turn and leave I think I'm giving away too much... though it may add a great deal of understanding to the final version, but I want there to be a moment when the reader first only identifies with nature... I see this image so strongly that I may try this as something other than a haiku ... maybe a six to eight line free verse.

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 12/8/2012 10:38:00 AM

I love your last version best..cause the yellow star gives an indication of what you re referring too dear..A brave person it had to.be to escape..I love this haiku..It reminds me of my visit to Auschwitz as a touridt..i dont want to ever visit again...The eerie aura i felt still.hsunts me.

Charmaine Chircop Date: 12/8/2012 10:39:00 AM

I meant haunt

John Wulf

Date: 11/18/2012 2:46:00 PM

Cyndi - found this while trolling the Haiku archives - just wondering - did you rewrite it in another form? If so, what is the title? I didn't find it in your stuff. I've absolutely no clue how you'd write this, but the topic is very intriguing. I made the Star/Nazi connection easily in the first version. I thought it signified the end of the holocaust (the Jews survived) and the Nazis left (by defeat).

Catie Lindsey

Date: 11/14/2012 6:17:00 PM

you've really got some serious imagery here, but I don't know whom or what the one star is. Yes! I did terrible in history classes. hugs, Catie :)

CYNDI MACMILLAN Date: 11/14/2012 7:02:00 PM

the word gaseous was very intentional. Gas chambers. Some children did manage to escape detection. http://holocaust.hklaw.com/essays/2000/20007.htm

CYNDI MACMILLAN Date: 11/14/2012 6:50:00 PM

In my mind I see two things which I'm trying to convey. One that it is a cloudy night, but that one star avoids being covered by horrid cloud. The other is that while this is happening a Jewish person (as was required) manages to hide from Naxis during the a check of a house where she is hiding.

CYNDI MACMILLAN Date: 11/14/2012 6:50:00 PM

THe Jewish were required to wear a yellow star of David in 1938, just before the holocaust began. They were only allowed to shop/travel/eat at places that allowed the badge. I added a picture in the about link

About This Poem

haiku--- all comments welcome--- chop chop say its slop all is okay

Post Comments