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Quote Left"The harder you work, the luckier you get."Quote Right

by Gary Player

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  1. Date: 11/12/2012 9:12:00 AM
    how about, a single swan released from bondage - silent pond. warm thoughts, Ralph

  1. Date: 11/8/2012 8:28:00 AM
    Goodness, you have gotten some really good responses to your haiku. I do like what Kathy has suggested. and while i was leaning towards your first haiku, it never dawned on me that it might sound as if the swan were questioning, but now, i do see it. love and hugs, Catie :)

  1. Date: 11/8/2012 7:43:00 AM
    Hi Cyndi - I think I took the poetry out of it by coming up with this for you to chew on: as one swan swims/ circling the polluted pond/ my child asks why In your first draft if I didn't know the story already, I might think it was the swan asking the question. good luck and hugs, Kathy

  1. Date: 11/7/2012 11:46:00 PM
    now only one swan/ circles the fouled waters/ my todler asks why/ x x this seems to flow better and actually gives more info. "Now", indicates there were more, and todler answers where the question came from. soup mail

    Henderson Avatar Charles Henderson
    Date: 11/8/2012 12:08:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry


    meant to add that this seems very traditional. Even your todler asking why is a concrete thing you "hear".
  1. Date: 11/7/2012 9:36:00 PM
    Try swapping out synonyms and see if you can get a stronger image. Instead of "only one swan" perhaps "a single swan" "a lonely swan (keens)." Instead of "Fouled waters" what about "polluted pond" or "soiled waters." Instead of "Circles" try "Flies over" or "glides alone." Instead of "asking why?" perhaps "Asking where?" A lonely swan keens, flying o'er soiled waters, asking where is he? It looks like you're going for the sound count instead of syllable, I'm not sure how to do that. Good Luck!