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haiku---help is appreciated

Cyndi MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled haiku---help is appreciated which was written by poet Cyndi MacMillan. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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haiku---help is appreciated

only one swan
circles the pond’s fouled waters 
as she asks why

Reference so you can provide feedback and alternate arrangements or editing: We had two lovely swans in our central park, Victoria Park, in Kitchener. One of the swans just died recently. The pond is quite stagnant and the city is trying to clean it up. They are doing an autopsy on the swan. Swans mate for life and they are hoping to introduce a new mate to the widow. My daughter was used to seeing them together and asked why it was now alone. The moment was a chance for me to approach the subject of loss, a difficult conversation with a toddler. for full story and a beautiful picture of what my daughter got to see about once a week ... until the death....

So, is there a better way to capture this? 

Hmmm.... this?

she asks why
only one swan circles 
the pond’s fouled waters

I prefer the first.

Better word choice? 

PS- I also prefer one line haiku, flow and a subtle juxtaposition. 

Have at ‘er! All comments welcome. 

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  1. Date: 11/12/2012 9:12:00 AM
    how about, a single swan released from bondage - silent pond. warm thoughts, Ralph

  1. Date: 11/8/2012 8:28:00 AM
    Goodness, you have gotten some really good responses to your haiku. I do like what Kathy has suggested. and while i was leaning towards your first haiku, it never dawned on me that it might sound as if the swan were questioning, but now, i do see it. love and hugs, Catie :)

  1. Date: 11/8/2012 7:43:00 AM
    Hi Cyndi - I think I took the poetry out of it by coming up with this for you to chew on: as one swan swims/ circling the polluted pond/ my child asks why In your first draft if I didn't know the story already, I might think it was the swan asking the question. good luck and hugs, Kathy

  1. Date: 11/7/2012 11:46:00 PM
    now only one swan/ circles the fouled waters/ my todler asks why/ x x this seems to flow better and actually gives more info. "Now", indicates there were more, and todler answers where the question came from. soup mail

    Henderson Avatar Charles Henderson
    Date: 11/8/2012 12:08:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    meant to add that this seems very traditional. Even your todler asking why is a concrete thing you "hear".
  1. Date: 11/7/2012 9:36:00 PM
    Try swapping out synonyms and see if you can get a stronger image. Instead of "only one swan" perhaps "a single swan" "a lonely swan (keens)." Instead of "Fouled waters" what about "polluted pond" or "soiled waters." Instead of "Circles" try "Flies over" or "glides alone." Instead of "asking why?" perhaps "Asking where?" A lonely swan keens, flying o'er soiled waters, asking where is he? It looks like you're going for the sound count instead of syllable, I'm not sure how to do that. Good Luck!