Every time you leave the house,
i wonder where you go.
not because i think you'll wander,
just because i want to know.
If i know where you're going,
and when you're set to return,
then i know that you can't leave me,
and wont leave my heart to yearn.
I know you think my trust is lack
and maybe all-together gone.
but just understand the pain i have
for the past that has gone wrong.
when i was younger,
and my mother left me cold.
I never knew the pain it would cause,
until now, when the scars are old.
in my heart i whisper softly,
am I that easily left behind?
is there some greatness i am missing,
is this love of a different kind?
The questions wander slowly,
and linger until they are gone.
What was so bad about me?
What did i do wrong?
And then my heart comforts me,
and sings a song about lessons learned.
So that one day when i have kids,
i won't regret the corners i've turned.
But soon the blackness creeps again,
and it gets within my head
and it starts to beg the question,
where WAS, better off instead?
I shove away the feelings,
and bury them where they're dead.
and try to ignore the scars they left
where WAS, better to live instead?
and here's the riddle to the puzzle,
the flames behind the pain,
the question burning so deep within,
it leaves me falling short of sane.
If the doe could abandon her fawn,
and leave her vulnerable and weak,
whats to stop everyone from running,
but the standing still of feet?
If the one who loves unconditionally,
puts conditions upon her love,
it drops the bar that sets the standard,
and leaves a question to rise above?
what's to stop him leaving?
is his love gunna hold him here.
if it didn't work for the mamma,
well, you understand my fear.
as soon as i fear the fleeing,
and i fear being left in solitude,
my world begins crumbling,
and the destruction is of magnitude.
I leave him constantly reassuring me,
"no, i'm here to stay",
but even as a mother's proved,
anyone can walk away.
So whats keeping him loyal to loving me?
what keeps him from kicking up dust
I'll over love and over compensate
until its all i can do, i must.
but this love life thats got me fearing
is incredible and keeps me alive.
I'm just waiting for the letting go
when this rooted fear can finally subside.
(april 24, 2011)