To my Husband,
A bringing of myself for understanding and pardoning of the days I fail him:
( Then I think, will I be passing on the cycle of not being enough?
Will he understand that it is I who is never enough?)
Yet I still need to apologize, for coming to him incomplete:
(For coming to him broken and asking him to fill a void he never made;
it's inherited from a generation of women who were never enough,
and I was never apart of it all...)
I need him to know he completes me in ways I can not alone:
(That it is when I am with him I am whole again;
That it is when we are apart that I find my self alone.
That the emptiness is inside me and not us.
That he fills the emptiness and takes the rawness of losing her away. )
I want him to understand why at home I fail at making a home:
(I'm immobilized in loneliness into waiting alone ;
Waiting on someone to come home.
Waiting on my sisters to come home,
Waiting on my Mother to smile again,
Waiting on my Mother to get off from work,
Waiting on my Mother to get better again.)
I do not want him to misunderstand my issues:
(I want him to understand they are mine alone to fix;
So I can be whole for my son.
So I can give to them the completeness they give to me.
These two boys who gave me back life, I live in the now for them)
I need him to understand the loneliness is not from him:
(I'm alone because I still grieve her loss and mine
I'm alone because she left.
I'm alone because they left.
I'm alone because every one has to leave
and I fear living past their leaving.)
I want him to know my love for him is Forever
(That even without words I know he has that love for me
The one that forgives before the transgression is done,
and forever is an eternity assumed for infinity.)