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  1. Date: 4/17/2010 8:06:00 AM
    Smoke from cigars has been really irritating my lungs. Wish I could get friends to be more considerate and smoke outside. You describe the "pounding" and "hammering heart" of one who suffers from second-hand smoke well, although I suspect you are talking about your own smoking when you describe the "initial rush." Help! The smoke makes me sick to my stomach, keep wheezing and coughing. Sorry, needed to "vent." Carolyn

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:40:00 PM
    But seriously, your imagery throughout the piece is stunning and... you're a little intimidating to be honest, you're that good. I'd really appreciate it if you would tell me what you thought of my poetry someday, yeah? =] Love ya, Burns... don't stop writing, evaaaahhh...

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:27:00 PM
    proximity. That doesn't sound as good as it looks when you read it. Also (although this is much less important) capitalization can be used really effectively for dramatic emphasis on words that are important to the piece, you might want to use that to your advantage and not capitalize the beginning of every line (do you really want to draw people to the "And"s at the beginning of the lines?) That's all I got =] Hope I was helpful and not annoying/offensive and sorry this was so long.

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:19:00 PM
    more clearly and more concisely... the heart of the poem should be that emotion, and the words just there to ornament it (that's what I think =/)... so if I had to change something it would be to pare down any unnecessary words in the poem. Also, in places your wording gets a little awkward when read aloud... the flow doesn't run as smoothly as in other places. For instance, you have a lot of gerunds (words that end in "ing"... although I'm sure you knew that ye genius!) in very close

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:15:00 PM
    (and usually LARGE words) stand on their own... I mean, they would have so much more effect if you didn't use so many in so short a space... do you see what I'm saying? This could also be a question of our different styles/tastes. But look in parts like this: "And emboldening the steady streams of cigarette smoke which undulate and twist their way upwards contemptuously before colliding silently with the ceiling..." <-it's so cluttered and wordy, when the emotion could be brought across much

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:11:00 PM
    and this part: "Smoking does kill, so they say. It could happen." <-I dunno, for me, the voice in this part was so dry and almost "nonchalant". I think it tied the emotions in the piece together well. Okay, critiscismage: First of all, I really love some of the words you use in the piece... they're very unique, and also beautiful... it's obvious that you have an amazing vocabulary, but one thing that would really make your piece a lot stronger I think is if you let one or two of those powerful

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:04:00 PM
    with a grain of salt, because you as the writer have the final say and your personal preference is more important than mine, kay? Parts I love, love, LOOOOVE: "I stare at the ceiling [semi-colon/colon here] Bare, bland and utterly indifferent." <-this part was so engaging... like, I as a reader am immediately pulled in to the mindset/emotions of the speaker. "Making dancers of defiant dust particles" <-imagery = A++ "nonchalant but unrelenting" <-I love the contradiction there! Very powerful!

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 9:59:00 PM
    Shit, Burns... this is ABSOLUTELY amazing (I'm Mica, btw =D). So here's the thing... you are obviously a talented writer, and I really want to leave a long comment talking about what I do/don't like about this piece, because I appreciate it when other people give ME ways to improve (this may take up more than one comment, btw... you should switch and use BUT if it offends or annoys you in any way, just ask me not to comment in depth again. Also, everything I say should be taken

  1. Date: 4/13/2010 10:24:00 AM
    Had loved ones who died lung cancer, throat cancer, heart disease they are dead proof that it kills..Hope that you can quit so that I can enjoy many more of your penned lines..Keep the creative pen flowing..Sara