Something broke in me - Kelly Crenshaw's Blog

Oct 27, 2013
for my friends.
Something broke in me tonight. I look at life and it seems that life itself is a cycle of breaking. Every obstacle, tragedy, heartbreak, fear, disappointment tries to break you. So as a man I've been taught all my life don’t be afraid, when most times I was terrified. Fear is weakness boy, straighten up. Be tough. Act like a man. Suck it up Cupcake. Don’t cry.
Overcome that obstacle boy, don’t be a weakling. And all I felt was weak. What’s the matter with you kiddo, don’t you know how to beat that? If you don’t, then fake your way through it. Don’t let anyone know. EVER! And all the while I feel nothing but weak.
Heartbreak? Ahh get over it. Look out for number one little brother. Whatever you do don’t let anyone EVER get close to your heart. No matter who it is. Hurt them before they get a chance to hurt you, and then whatever you do, act like you don’t care. Be like Willie: 'Cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone. Even with someone they love.” Yeah Willie knew. But the tougher I try to act and the older I get, the worse heartbreaks feel.
After all, everyone and everything you love will leave you, boy. Get over it. Don’t cry. Whatever you do don’t cry. Little sissy. Are you crying? Defend your friend to the death son, but know that friend gonna turn on you. Expect it Stupid, and get over it. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. And when they turn on you, to hell with em. They can’t hurt you. And then I find myself hurting anyway. Over and over.
Act mean. Talk tough. Make sure you act like you don’t care. If you show any weakness boy, you gonna get eaten alive, you hear me? And youll deserve it.
And after all these years, I'm just not mean, and certainly not “tough”
Whatever you do cowboy, don’t ever trust anyone! Keep score. Don’t let anyone get over on ya, and if they do, it’s your fault because you are an idiot.
But then I find myself wanting to trust anyway, and not being able to.
And then you’re a preacher. You gotta have all the answers. They are doing what?!!! That’s sin! What are you gonna do about it? You gotta preach it hard boy. Don’t ever let em see you weak. Don’t cry, except when religion says its ok now. You gotta be strong. No chinks in your armor sir. If you let em sense weakness they’ll go for the kill.
I see religion screaming at the top of its lungs, breathing threats, passing judgment, and pointing out everyone’s flaws but their own.
And then I meet Christ, again. A strong God/man that I cant explain. Yet one that tells me that in order to know him, I must be like a little child. I think I know Him and then I meet Him again, and He looks towards the ones murdering Him and says “Father, forgive them” then I carry on and life happens. And life happens again, and again, and then I lose count. All the while religion screaming at the top of its lungs about which party to be affiliated with. Or which church is right.
Then I meet Him again, and he asks a girl where her accusers are. He eats with drunkards. He reaches His hand towards those in culture that no one else will touch.
I try my best to be hard. Life happens again. And yet again. I get lost in it. And then I run over my little cat. And I scream, and scream, and scream. I'm the guy that doesn’t like cats. Yeah right. I kill something. Something innocent. In my haste I kill something that was only running towards my vehicle because it recognized it. And I killed it. Accidentally. And I cried and cried. And wailed like a little boy. And I realized I was not just crying because I ran over an animal that adored me no matter how I tried to act like I didn’t care. I realized I was wailing at life. If youre still reading this by now you realize that I'm nuts. I'm pathetic, and crazy.
And I met Jesus again tonight. And I cant be mean, but then I'm a mean sob at times. I cant be hard, but then I'm the hardest man you’ve met. I cant be broken, but then I'm the most broken kid youll ever know. I cant cry, but I cried and I cried and I cried.
Yeah I've been wronged in life. Big deal. Yeah I've been lied to. Okay. Yeah I've done plenty of stupid . . . yes since I've met this Christ. But I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna be afraid most of the time. I'm gonna let people have my heart and they’re gonna stomp it, and that’s ok. I'm not tough, and I'm gonna cry. Like a little girl. Yep. That’s me. But you know what? I met Jesus again tonight, after I ran over a little cat.
I've met Him before, in the drunk homeless guys face that I let sleep in the church. Yep that was Him, in the lunatic bag lady that smells but comes to our church and amens me the loudest and embarrasses the religious folk, me included most times. Yep I've seen Jesus in that mean preacher that everyone hates, but I still love him. Yep I've met Jesus in that young new age druggie girl that told me she was an atheist, and couldn’t believe I still wanted to talk to her. Yep I saw Jesus in that cartel members face in Mexico. I met Jesus on the bridge in Nuevo Laredo where murderers hung bodies. Yep I saw Jesus in people (church people) that stabbed me in the heart when I trusted. Yep for those of you that know, I saw Jesus when someone stole money from our church. Still reading?? Then you must be as messed up as me.
Yet I still find myself forgetting Who He really is. All the time. While religion screams its no wonder people in the world want nothing to do with religions god. In the infamous words of the country song “me neither”
Yeah I've been wronged in life. Big deal. Yeah I've been lied to. Okay. Yeah I've done plenty of stupid . . . yes since I've met this Christ. But I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna be afraid most of the time. I'm gonna let people have my heart and they’re gonna stomp it, and that’s ok. I'm not tough, and I'm gonna cry. Like a little girl. Yep. That’s me. But you know what? I met Jesus again tonight, after I ran over a little cat. God help me. I hope I keep meeting Him, but most of all, I hope I learn to recognize Him sooner. And I hope my tears never dry. I hope I'm never tough. I hope I never have all the answers.

Charmaine Chircop Date: 1/22/2014 9:00:00 AM Yes..We find Jesus when We can see Jesus in every person We meet..Mostly in those which made our lives a little bit harder to endure.We find Jesus through nature...through every living creature that breathes..And Im glad you can still cry..Means your heart still pumps blood through its veins and feelings still function. Login to Reply

Nette Onclaud Date: 1/21/2014 11:03:00 PM finally, i see the text, kelly... i feel with you about this experence and it's alright to be darn frustrated and really unbelieveing about anyone, anything.. sometimes, it's called the ' dark night of the soul'.. yet this plight has another side: perhaps an awakening, a lesson, a positive insight... i hope you are feeling good today!... huggs Login to Reply

Poet Destroyer A Date: 1/21/2014 10:07:00 PM Hello Kelly, Nice to meet you... I'm impressed how you handled and delivered this blog... Not the kind of ending I was expecting. I was very moved by the ending lines... LINDA Login to Reply

Andrea Dietrich Date: 1/21/2014 6:17:00 PM ok, now you have your text here so I can read it. I don't think this is crazy talk. This is just you showing your strong feelings about religion, yourself and Jesus, very "stream of consciousness" and interesting. I LIKES IT!!!! The cat thing would have really broke me up!!! Login to Reply

Debbie Guzzi Date: 1/21/2014 6:00:00 PM What can one say? Powerful feelings, powerful writings, would you believe one can come to the same conclusions and not need Jesus to take them there? Would you believe God the Father, the Omni presence can be reached by going inside ones elf without intermediaries? Now if the concept of a messiah brings you comfort I'm VERY glad, each human being has the ability to become a messiah but they don't seem to get there, to become a savior of mankind [perhaps in small ways they do? Salk, Curie, Ghandie? Siddhartha, Jesus Josephson? ] I wish you joy, and happiness Light & Love Login to Reply Debbie Guzzi Date: 1/22/2014 11:42:00 AM hey I put ELF LOL no wonder I'm not myself?

Deb Wilson Date: 1/21/2014 9:30:00 AM Kelly hope everything's ok...this doesn't say what's wrong or anything at all. Take care...luv,deb Login to Reply Kelly Crenshaw Date: 1/21/2014 10:02:00 AM Sorry, I thought I had pasted the text in last night, but obviously it didn’t. I'm fine folks, but it makes me feel good that you all are concerned. lol

Andrea Dietrich Date: 1/21/2014 8:43:00 AM I'm hoping you are ok too, Kelly. Luv, Andrea Login to Reply Kelly Crenshaw Date: 1/21/2014 10:02:00 AM Sorry, I thought I had pasted the text in last night, but obviously it didn’t. I'm fine folks, but it makes me feel good that you all are concerned. lol

Painted Hunter Date: 1/21/2014 7:21:00 AM Hi Kelly. I don't know ya, but I hope you are okay... Login to Reply Kelly Crenshaw Date: 1/21/2014 10:03:00 AM Sorry, I thought I had pasted the text in last night, but obviously it didn’t. I'm fine folks, but it makes me feel good that you all are concerned. lol