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1/22/2015 12:35 PM - Janet Cervenka
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12/28/2014 1:51 PM - BONNIE Hollywood-Cutts
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1/22/2015 1:15 PM - Janet Cervenka
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1/24/2015 8:06 PM - Amar Wills
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1/11/2015 6:14 PM - Ron Price
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1/19/2015 3:55 PM - Jennifer Bui
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9/30/2014 1:54 PM - Jennifer M.
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Recent posts
1/24/2015 8:06:56 PM
Topic:
Critique please; arostic and alliteration poem

Amar Wills
Posts: 1
"Motionless"

Malevolent notions masked making moment’s standstill.

Overturned by odd deeds oblivious to oneself.

Time ticking away quite tactfully to its own tune.

Inadvertently impaired by inattentive inhabitants in life.

Objectively offset by unfulfilled ordinances.

Never nullified by the norms of nomenclature.

Lackluster for those who lavishly live.

Endlessly epitomized with elders thoughts in mind.

Seemingly snared and stagnant by satire of sapiens.

So as to surrender salvation it stands serenely steadfast.
1/22/2015 1:15:32 PM
Topic:
I welcome your feedback!

Janet Cervenka
Posts: 4
Overall well written. Maybe try changing S2 Ln 3 to "no room in such a place" so the word is not repeated within the line.
1/22/2015 1:10:36 PM
Topic:
Dolly Voodoo

Janet Cervenka
Posts: 4
Put some breaks here and there and tighten some of the language a bit. Get rid of the ands that start sentences, they are just adding to the word overuse. Also put a stanza break where thought changes. I read several times though and am not sure where I would put them so the "run" does not slow down. some of the line breaks look a bit unnatural but that may be because of spacing here. Use them to pull your reader to your next line or end them when you want to slow down.
1/22/2015 12:57:34 PM
Topic:
Please help me to improve this "Prayer" poem

Janet Cervenka
Posts: 4
First I'd tell you to take your couplets and joint them into stanzas. All of the breaks contribute to the choppiness you mentioned. Also are you really set on "fixing" this poem, or are you willing to let this rest and thoughts from a day and use it elements to create something stronger yet different? You have a couple of problems here. The first is that you do no have a structured meter to the lines. The syllable count is all over the place and it feels like the breaks are there just to satisfy the rhyme scheme. You have forced the words for the sake of rhyme. Also look at your punctuation. There are places that are the end of a sentence and you used it and others where you have not. To punctuate or not? That is up to you but I go for punctuate faithfully in this piece. Also look and if you had to restructure a line in an archaic language form to get it to fit, it is adding to the choppiness. I would probably do a complete rewrite of this and decide if I wanted to keep this structure of use something totally different. Sometimes writes are just my daily diary. If you want examples of lines rewritten or specific changes, message me.
1/22/2015 12:35:46 PM
Topic:
Hello

Janet Cervenka
Posts: 4
I am looking for a second poetry home. I am not a new writer and prefer honest critique to comments like "Great poem!" which, while are nice, are not really feedback that I can use. Some of my best poetry have been written from challenge lists where people give me unrelated words and I just write. I also tend to spew anger in poetic form and its a great outlet. I have several chap books written but have never taken the time to publish. One of these days. Please drop by and say 'Hi' I always give critique for critique as well as a thank you to acknowledge I've ready yours
1/21/2015 9:41:54 PM
Topic:
18 Stoic Faces - by Bob Atkinson

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 63
The Emperor Has No Clothes


- by Bob Atkinson



Emperor's New Clothes


bright with pomp, circumstance


he stands proud on center stage


apparently anointed king of words


by the queen's simplistic charade






credentials stuffed in a corner


to tell all of his talents strong


what's missing?


semblance of understanding thought






why and where it comes from


what and who creates


that magical transformation


of a mind's internal state






as emotional content of literature


poetry's power does equate


to bombs and bullets of weak minded


those so thoroughly debased






beginning now we'll utilize


all social tools at our command


and begin to plant that growing seed


that produces worthwhile man
1/21/2015 9:41:53 PM
Topic:
18 Stoic Faces - by Bob Atkinson

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 63
The Emperor Has No Clothes


- by Bob Atkinson



Emperor's New Clothes


bright with pomp, circumstance


he stands proud on center stage


apparently anointed king of words


by the queen's simplistic charade






credentials stuffed in a corner


to tell all of his talents strong


what's missing?


semblance of understanding thought






why and where it comes from


what and who creates


that magical transformation


of a mind's internal state






as emotional content of literature


poetry's power does equate


to bombs and bullets of weak minded


those so thoroughly debased






beginning now we'll utilize


all social tools at our command


and begin to plant that growing seed


that produces worthwhile man
1/21/2015 8:05:16 PM
Topic:
Please help me to improve this "Prayer" poem

Melinda Ponce
Posts: 2
I wrote this several years ago when feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of friends needing prayer. I just recently found it again and would like to improve it. It feels choppy to me, especially towards the end. Where, how do I start to fix it? Thanks in advance for any pointers.



96 800x600 Normal 0 false false false EN-US JA X-NONE /* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:Calibri;}Is there never any end to prayer requests?
Hurting souls and broken breasts?

How can I this day
Make time for one more friend to pray?

Yet as you give me moments here and there
You remind me to lift my friends in prayer.

I stagger beneath these over whelming needs
To survive I MUST to you go with their pleas.

May I ever be faithful to pray for each
As your son did his disciples teach

For illness of heart and soul and mind
To each one of them be kind

Wisdom give to all who call
On you, the greatest wisdom giver of all

Broken bodies, hurting hearts
Care givers who must do their parts


On you I each petition render
The great physician and heart ache mender

How deep your love for us that we
May lift our prayer to you and then the answer see

For I know that until our ties to this life you sever
Prayer requests will cease, never

Humble the heart within my breast
And may I never tire of prayer requests

And I thank you for allowing me to pray
For each of these my friends and family today

And I thank thee too for friends who on you call
When I ask that on my behalf they on their knees would fall

Yes, prayer is a privilege rich and sweet
How beautiful it is to kneel at your feet
1/21/2015 5:16:47 PM
Topic:
The Battle of Borodino - by Bob Atkinson

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 63
CircleYour Wagons

- by Bob Atkinson



War Wagon




circle your wagons when under attack

sweeten defenses, they're coming back

tally your bullets for open season

rally your troopers with heavy breathing




enemy's near, no safety here

transform what defenses you can with good senses

dig deep so we don't have our bottoms showing pant-zes




find in possession what arms you can grab

enter all protests through proper channels

rant, rave and stammer some orders

mind travel to home to give mom some hope




walk the perimeter for last minute dances

carry your burden, open field glasses

rally your squad, enhance their chances

saddle your burden with open quick glances




can you believe there lives in this world

those who hate love to the point of disturbance

allowing their minds to fill with rage

enough to destroy the whole human race
1/20/2015 1:42:24 AM
Topic:
Kjøp en og gi You: Inside Toms Shoes

jerryreding
Posts: 4
Toms Shoes lover kundene at hver gang de kjøper et equiparable av selskapets toms sko, alevoso det gi et similar til et barn my partner and i et fattig land.

Och har gjort selskapet unti en $ 100-millioner bedrift som har solgt ?nnu mer enn to millioner sko i løpet av dom siste seks år. Costs Clinton har kalt living room 35 år gamle grunnleggeren av Toms, Blake Mycoskie, en av de fr?mst interessante gründere han noensinne har møtt.

Mr. Mycoskie, men sier at damien ikke kjører et selskap. Han sier at kent i s****en for en global bevegelse ved å utnytte kraften toms sko barn til forbrukerne å gjøre godt. Og han har en entusiastisk følgende. Toms campus klubber har spiret på høgskoler rundt om i landet, og årlig markedsføringskampanjer trekke utbredt oppmerksomhet til fattigdoms ridd nasjoner.

I han utgaven av Tiny Kindle, undersøker Amy Costello hva som skjer med via to millioner toms sko salg har forpliktet seg until å donere til sobre trengende. Er Toms "en for en" nærme seg en smart og effektiv form for filantropi? Hvem tjener, og hvordan selskapet bestemme hvem sine begunstigede er?

Du får høre hvordan Toms arbeider we flere land samt fra filantropi eksperter og of entreprenør i den tredje verden toms norge billig som forkastet Toms tilnærming fordi han mener det vil gjør vondt, ikke hjelper, folk prøver å få selvforsyning.

Velkommen til å besøke min hjemmeside: http://www.ntomso.com/
edited by jerryreding on 1/20/2015
1/19/2015 3:55:07 PM
Topic:
What is your style?

Jennifer Bui
Posts: 1
Haiku is my best style, but I do free verse more often.
1/18/2015 4:01:56 PM
Topic:
Hello;

Autumn Matthews
Posts: 1
I'm Autumn and I've only very recently joined Poetry Soup.
I suppose I've been writing for a long time, but I've just begun publishing my poetry (if only to receive suggestions and/ or critique).
I'm happy to give you opinions on your works, just drop me a message and I'll get back to you.
That's all from me,
Autumn Matthews
1/17/2015 5:04:24 PM
Topic:
Paradox of Civilization (Poem)

Graphite Drug
Posts: 14
Thanks much. Wasn't trying for a purpose, just thought such a place seemed a paradox in the Jordanian Desert. The history of continents across the Atlantic seems very elusive to American pop-culture. Ewwww, did I just write pop-. . .
1/17/2015 8:34:28 AM
Topic:
The Pickup Truck - by Bob Atkinson

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 63
ThePickup Truck

- by Bob Atkinson



Pickup Truck


they fill a need within us

for utility prearranged

an open disposition to

move toward man creation




that soul of central power

mimic of the deity proud

construction in purest form

with that hammer loud




we ride as if utility

was written on our chests

pompous in our nature

towering high over the rest




we use them to commute

not good for an environment

yet when we are accosted

by those with better sense




we stand as if indignant

"don't take from me my pride"

never in a thought process

do we let sensible be our guide




so, there in that confused state

those green with solar shields

waste resources every day

with bulkiness of their wheels

***********************
http://arizona-poet.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-pickup-truck-by-bob-atkinson.html
1/16/2015 11:23:27 AM
Topic:
Paradox of Civilization (Poem)

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 63
Three cheers Graphite, a poem with purpose. Good deal.
Bob
1/15/2015 4:48:05 PM
Topic:
Paradox of Civilization (Poem)

Graphite Drug
Posts: 14
Paradox of Civilization


In Jordan’s desert, a building façade
has been carved into the face of a vertical cliff.
Stairs leading to the structure are lined with lanterns.
Looking up, a view standing right of center,
stone appears orange near the base fading to black at its top.
Where cliff’s edge meets the night sky,
darkness brightens into starlight.

While appearing more ancient,
this façade has features of Roman architecture:
columns, shallow gables atop flat roofs, carved figures decorating idle spaces.
It has two stories.
It’s first has six columns.
Two are set back from the entrance that is supported by four beneath a gable.
Two horses are carved on wall between first and second column,
two more are carved between fourth and sixth column.
Inside a portico behind the center four columns,
steps lead up to a tall entrance, black,
an opening to a large chamber inside the rock.

The second story, as wide as first, has a block cut from its center.
At each side are half gables, supported by two columns.
Statues are carved beneath each gable.
Between these gables is a turret supported with columns.
A statue of a human figure stands within the turret.

The grand scale of the western façade should be alien in the Jordanian desert.
It should be, but is not.
If taken from the rock and perfectly constructed in Washington D.C.,
with a coat of white paint, it would not look out of place.
A fusion of West and East, this place begs questions about the people who carved it,
political and religious beliefs of their civilization,
its purpose in a desert,
and how it could be ahead of its time.
edited by graphitedrug on 1/15/2015
edited by graphitedrug on 1/15/2015
1/15/2015 4:34:28 PM
Topic:
Dolly Voodoo

Graphite Drug
Posts: 14
This is good work. The subject of voodoo seems prominent throughout. What gains attention is the use of material imagery for immaterial subjects like laughter, promise, and optimism. I enjoyed reading it. I hope you continue doing more.
1/15/2015 4:26:55 PM
Topic:
tin man

Graphite Drug
Posts: 14
Some interesting prose. The shift from third person to first in the beginning line is clumsy. Maybe there's more to the line that was cut off.
It is reminiscent of a song by the band America called Tin Man, a great song, check it out.
1/15/2015 8:03:29 AM
Topic:
Please help me make this Prayer poem better.

Melinda Ponce
Posts: 2
Is there never any end to prayer requests?
Hurting souls and broken breasts?

How can I this day
Make time for one more friend to pray?

Yet as you give me moments here and there
You remind me to lift my friends in prayer.

I stagger beneath these over whelming needs
To survive I MUST to you go with their pleas.

May I ever be faithful to pray for each
As your son did his disciples teach

For illness of heart and soul and mind
To each one of them be kind

Wisdom give to all who call
On you, the greatest wisdom giver of all

Broken bodies, hurting hearts
Care givers who must do their parts


On you I each petition render
The great physician and heart ache mender

How deep your love for us that we
May lift our prayer to you and then the answer see

For I know that until our ties to this life you sever
Prayer requests will cease, never

Humble the heart within my breast
And may I never tire of prayer requests

And I thank you for allowing me to pray
For each of these my friends and family today

And I thank thee too for friends who on you call
When I ask that on my behalf they on their knees would fall

Yes, prayer is a privilege rich and sweet
How beautiful it is to kneel at your feet








I wrote this a few years ago and just came across it again. I would like to improve on. I know my syllable count makes no rhyme or reason and I think that is where I need to start as it does not flow smoothly, especially towards the end. Thanks for any help you may offer.

edited by Melinda's Song on 1/15/2015
edited by Melinda's Song on 1/15/2015
edited by Melinda's Song on 1/21/2015
1/12/2015 9:30:05 AM
Topic:
Cheap Kitchens UK

ivander class
Posts: 1
Cheap kitchens for sale £595 with appliances. www.exdisplaykitchens1.co.uk




--------------------

Cheap Kitchens UK




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