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Soupers,The Competition is Getting Harder (Fanfare Music): "Vomiticus Gramaticus"

Blog Posted:4/26/2013 6:58:00 AM

Vomiticus Grammaticus

Discusses Anger Management Techniques
By Chris D. Aechtner

The maitre d' called me a connard,
so I strangled him within an inch of his life,
flinging away concerned patrons
as if they were cheap, plastic dolls made in China -
I felt like Samson without a single pair of scissors in sight.

Redrum was lighting my temples a-fire.

It was suggested that I attend an anger management course.
The counselor asked if I wanted to hit her,
b!tch-slap her around a bit.
I kindly explained how my dear Momma had taught me
to never, ever, hit a woman.
The counselor said this was a chauvinistic approach.
After asking her if feminism had leveled the playing field
to the point were it was now alright for me to hit women,
she retorted how I should not begin doing such things.

"Sounds like a chauvinistic approach," I replied.

The woman was one of those not-so-great-counselors
who over-analyzes life and tries to fit everyone
into neat, crisp packages and categories,
even though we are all as uniquely individual as fingerprints.

But something very positive came out of our visit together,
for she recommended that I attend an Ashram as part of my therapy.
This Ashram was filled with men wearing pajamas, robes and dresses,
who sang and danced in a highly suspicious, dainty manner.

This charming little south-Indian man approached me.
He had dark, shining eyes, irises rimmed in yellow.
He gave me a long hug - it felt really good!
Then he examined my eyes, taking notes.
He examined my hands and teeth -
even smelled my breath and armpits.
By this point I became a bit wary,
wondering if this was a weird mating ritual.

Do you know wot he said!?(of course you don't!
Wot do you take me for? An idiot!?).
He said I was a manimal.
Yes! A manimal!
According to him, if I stopped eating flesh,
this would prove to be the ultimate cure
for my unbridled anger and rage.

After following this advice for several months,
I became extremely calm,
even played a ukulele to old John Lennon records.
Dogs stopped trying to hump me,
birds landed on my shoulders,
singing along with the tunes.
Life finally felt very peaceful.

Knew I was cured when re-visiting the same restaurant
with the unruly maitre d'(of course, the restraining order was
lifted by now and the maitre d' had acquired a firearms permit).
He boastfully called me a connard again,
possibly bolstered because he was packing some serious heat.
Not a single shred of anger coursed through my body!
It was wonderful!

With a sincere, wide smile,
I turned towards the maitre d' and politely replied:

"Sure, why not! Once a connard, always a connard!"

*Connard is slang for: motherducker (Author's note)
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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 11:01:00 PM
    What's wrong with me??? I really like this poem!! : D !!

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 7:50:00 PM
    Ummmm....I love it.

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 11:27:00 AM
    I thought this a wonderful spoof on non- violent resistance. So they smell your armpits????? I thought firearms permit resonated well with this even 'tho occurring much later in the poem. can someone be addicted to anger? Merit mixed with vomicticus lol Suz

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 11:25:00 AM
    Craig is attempting to side-track the glory, diverting attention back to his "Clumps" poem(thanks, Craig :D). The irony of my VG poems, is that I began by purposefully writing them badly(2010)as part of an overall satirical message about amateur poetry, and poetry sites, especially PS. Then they took on a life of their longer was I 'purposefully' writing them badly, they were simply coming out this way. For a second, I thought I was doing good-bad, or Super-bad. I have a lot of 'interesting' thoughts re-reading them now lol. I have a Vomiticus Grammaticus side-project called: "Memoirs of a Manimal" -- Part III is something else. Oh my goodness. Any one of the Manimal series could make it into the Raspberry runnings -- atrocious! There are explicit versions of some of these that are not posted on PS, because I figured that I might get banned if I posted certain versions and VG side-projects.

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 10:31:00 AM
    Every piece of art has it's merits, this is packed with creativity as is everything that Chris writes and it's over the top with humor. Chris probably has received advances from the NEA which makes him a professional as well. In addition I think he has received royalties from Eddie Murphy, Lenny Bruce and the shock jock for this poem and others. So get a grip people---he's too good to be bad or as the old James Brown--He's Super Bad--which means super good! Just an opionion.

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    Richards Avatar Suzette Richards Date: 4/26/2013 9:41:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    "Painting the bathroom."... "run....." Craig, you better not tarry and get caught
    cornish Avatar craig cornish Date: 4/26/2013 10:32:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Ooppps, the wife says I have to get back to painting the bathroom---gotta run
  1. Date: 4/26/2013 9:52:00 AM
    Oh are we suppose to have a chance against Vomiticus Grammaticus. ROFLMAO as always. Oh, Chris, you may be a winner with this one, but mine is pretty awful too. Hugs, catie LOL

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 9:17:00 AM
    cyndi, you funny girl. YOu have not been around in Chris' early days. Yes, I recognized this one right away as vintage Chris. I think he has other poems based on the Vomiticus character. And like Carrie, I have a love/hate relationship with it as well!!

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    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan Date: 4/26/2013 10:48:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Like I said, when he's bad, he's intentionally bad... I'm-a hearing Thorogood. I was right. THIS DOESN'T COUNT! IT DOESN'T COUNT! Too funny. When you write stink just to be stinky, you are ... rofmao... hust being a stinker.
    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan Date: 4/26/2013 10:31:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    *Twisted poem, in the sense that this is actually a cryptic response to my personal dealings here I don't think a lot of people realized at the time how Vomiticus Grammaticus was really a hidden message about some of the social politics that goes on, and most other group settings as well. ROFLMAO
    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan Date: 4/26/2013 10:04:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Okay, now I'm thinking that I've been taking his 'shrooms. Cause I just read a few of his V.G's and they are .. ahem ... quite similiar to this gem. But I swear I read several that were pure art-- confusedconfused... ???
    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan Date: 4/26/2013 9:53:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    I "DO!" Know. LOL. That is why I was surprised. Because his V.G. is usually V(ery) G(ood) poetry. Some suck the breath right out of you, dazzling word play, originality, focus and hocus pocus. If I hadn't checked, I'd have said someone was using his name, a doppleganger! LOL!
  1. Date: 4/26/2013 9:01:00 AM
    Get outa town! Chris, you may get on the podium with this. The fifth line? Okay, come clean, you just wrote this, right? As a tongue in (to/between) the cheeks of bad poetry? This doesn't even sound like you, except when you are poke-poke-poking the bear (go on, ask me) or just finally had it to your eyeballs with the fester-mess that we sometimes come across in the glory-halls of soup. Shameless! LOL! I ain't buying it for a milli-sec. I've read your vomitus.. and it ain't chunky. It's a dry heave. Hugs, I can't stop laughing. Cyndi (who pukes up verse quite often) Chris get your canuck butt in here and leave a comment!

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    MacMillan Avatar Cyndi MacMillan Date: 4/26/2013 9:06:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Okay, good GOD, I just checked. I stand corrected. I just checked. Written 2011. Well, I am gobsmacked. BUT.. (I see those eyes rolling, her and those damn BUTTS) But this must have been a spitball not a free fall. LOL. Take two burgers and call me in the morning.
  1. Date: 4/26/2013 9:00:00 AM
    I am having a love/hate relationship with this poem!!! I don't know if I should to cast my vote for the " best of the worst award", or sprinkle it with worcestershire sauce just to make it more palatable........sad to say the unique wit and satire that only Chris is capable ....omg....... somehow I couldn't tear my eyes away!!! Am I a masachist or what??

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 8:23:00 AM
    Love the title and from then on it unraveled into a fray of unmarked territory. "Connard" as Cockney slang would work very well...ROLF!!!!!

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 7:44:00 AM
    I just love it...... 'Not the poem' .... the fact that C D A, actually has a bad poem... the dog stopping the hump... and the ukulele. and the ending, is something I would never consider in a poem, or a story line. yes! a manimal.... I'm just laughing my a$$ off here.... PD

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  1. Date: 4/26/2013 7:14:00 AM
    I'll be back later to "express" my opinion! : D

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