Poetry Forum

Margaret Foster - all messages by user

5/7/2010 8:55:35 PM
The Inner Spy	HI Charlotte, Before anything else may I say ditto to Joe's disclaimer. This is a purely personal take on your poem which I loved reading. Verse 1-line 4- read- 'set in stone' making the line 7 syllables as in first 3 lines. Verse 3-line 4- change 'what's' to what is. bringing it up to 8 syllables as in the other 3 lines. Verse 5-line 3- read-'but we're last to see,' dropping the "the" again to match syllable count. Verse 4- line 2- is a syllable short, a possible suggestion is 'inside and outside' I hope this is helpful , but remember the poetry is yours and you must be happy with the results. warm regards Margaret
5/17/2010 5:00:23 PM
Pay To Breathe	HI. I liked the racy flow of your first post with only one small change. here's my take. cheers Margaret Pay to breathe Pay to breathe wrapped in greed you cannot see the meaning of life before your eyes stillness captured in your lies Is worth a dime With pockets dry You do a crime You do the time you pay to breathe... or you die
5/17/2010 5:09:05 PM
Why Can't I?	Again I only see a couple of small changes. I stumbled over two lines. cheers margaret they consume my insides,-----theyeat me up lives are ending before they start.------lives areending ere they start
5/17/2010 9:53:56 PM
Why Can't I?	Sorry to confuse you Micheal. I like your poem , I only found when I read it I stumbled over a couple of words in the flow. my suggestion was to replace a few words. I stress this is just my opinion. with sad choices, Oh SadVoices, crying in the night weeping pain, they cry invain, they weep in sorrow, why can't I? Piercing shrieks, they find their peak, within myheart within my soul, they eat me up, Consume me whole Weeping Children, dying night, lives are ending ere theystart. I hear their voices, I hear their pain, I hearthem reaching for life again, they weep forever, they weep their plight,weeping in sorrow, Why Can't I?
5/17/2010 9:55:38 PM
Why Can't I?	I don't understand why some of the words are running together when I post . sorry Margaret
5/17/2010 10:01:42 PM
Pay To Breathe	Hi again Micheal. glad you thought the small change helped. your original line you do a crime you do the time then you pay to breathe?--Possoble' then pay to breathe' or 'you pay to breath' Or you die? cheers Margaret
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