Surviving the Movies Tip #3 Surviving a Jungle - Tony Lane's Blog

*Survival Tip # 3 *

What to do if you are lost in the jungle.

So you thought that an expedition through dense jungle vegetation wouldn’t be too big of a problem. Especially in order to find the source of a river, (Africa), Aztec gold, (South America), your fiancée whose plane crashed in the jungle and only you can find them, (A Pacific island), or the cure for some disease, (any of the jungles of the world). Well you just might be able to survive if you follow these easy to understand rules.

You need to have the right collection of people with you. You will need an expedition leader who is nearly non-communicative and, for at least the first half of the journey, you are not completely sure that he won’t kill you even though he saves your life from a wild animal attack. He does this by pulling his gun out and aiming it at you and firing it before you can react. The animal’s carcass will then fall at you’re feet revealing both his true intentions and your need for a fresh change of pants. Next you will need to have a trusted confidant to share your thoughts with on the journey. Especially your thoughts about your ever growing fondness for the expedition leader. For men this is a manly kind of admiration, for women this is the blossoming of romance. (Even if you are searching for your plane crashed fiancée.) Please take my advice and kill your confidant as soon as possible. It will only serve you well in the long run. This is the person that will steal credit, gold or kill your fiancée when you find them, (He is the one who rigged the plane crash in the first place). It is not mandatory but always a good idea to take along a buffoonish character to act as comic relief. They will most likely show up for the expedition wearing crisp, new from the packaging, LL Bean expedition clothing complete with an oversized pith helmet. Stay close to them, they will not die. They will, however, fall into quicksand, the bane of jungles in every part of the globe. You and the expedition leader will work together to save this person thus cementing your relationship. Finally you will need a very large contingent of locals, (referred to as natives). These folks will most likely be represented by a single, kindly, wise individual who will show you the ropes of jungle trekking. As a group they will carry all of your equipment in gigantic wooden crates. Why did you bring all of this equipment in the first place? You will never know because early on in the expedition there will be a river crossing where there will be either a hippopotamus, piranha or crocodile attack or you will encounter rapids and all of it will be lost. Many of these savvy jungle dwellers will be eaten along the way by various wild animals and the remainder will abandon you, (with the exception of the one kindly wise man who is helping you), they leave when you are too near to the haunted or sacred lands of their ancestors. (Oh, those jungle superstitions.)

Remember to take, machetes, knives, guns, mirrors, rope, perfume atomizer, compass and at least one frilly-girly outfit. (To give to your fiancée if you are a guy or to entice the expedition leader with if you are a woman.) It will be important to have all of these things in order to give them to the head hunters/cannibals when they come for you. It will be the only way to save your life. Also, the comic relief character will have an amulet around his neck that he bought in the village before the expedition started. When the head hunters/cannibals are sizing you all up for their next pot luck they will find it and the amulet will have great impact on them and they will worship him as if he were a god. He must then mate with the chief’s daughter who is at first thought to be a beautiful young girl of about twenty, but that girl is later revealed to be one of the chief’s wives. His daughter is quite off putting in appearance but delightfully eager for the experience thus the comedic relief. 

Some quick tips to remember.

If you are shot by a blow dart it will only ever hit you in the neck. You should immediately swat at it like it was a mosquito. You will not drive it deeper into your neck but rather it will stick out between your fingers almost like you are holding it there.

When you hear drums in the jungle they are saying something. Ask your native friend to interpret for you. Trust me, he speaks drum.

It will be possible to wrestle with an attacking lion until you kill it with your knife. Don’t give up you can do it. It will leave your shirt torn but in a way so as to enhance your heroic looks.

Tarzan is not your mother. Do not expect him to constantly be around to clean up after you. He has more important things to do to the Nazis.

There is a secret elephant grave yard. You will find it. Someone will think that it is a good idea to take the tusks. They will be trampled by elephants.

Chimps in the wild are not only comically friendly but understand everything that you say to them.

The phrase; “Timba aliganda.” It seems to mean exactly what you want it to mean at the time that you say it.

Jungle Jim may look like Tarzan but he’s not. He also has more important things to do to the Nazis.

If you are a woman, everyone can see you perfectly silhouetted when you go into your tent to change into your night clothes.

Remembering these simple step by step rules should save your life the next time that you are stranded in a jungle in a 1940’s- 1950’s jungle movie. (NOTE: This applies to leading characters only. If you are a secondary character you will be killed by hippos, piranhas, crocodiles or rapids in the river crossing.)