Submit a Poem
Get Your Premium Membership
spacer

Funny Life Poems

Below are the all-time best funny Life poems written by Poets on PoetrySoup. These top poems in list format are the funny examples of life poems written by PoetrySoup members

View ALL Life Poems

Search for funny Life poems, articles about Life poems, poetry blogs, or anything else Life poem related using the PoetrySoup search engine at the top of the page.





12
Details | Life Poem |

Hard Times

When hard times come they sit a spell, Like kin folk come to stay A-packin' troubles, pets an' kids That always get ‘n your way. It's drought an' flood, an' flood an' drought, There ain't much in-between. You work like hell to make ’em good, But still they’re sorta lean. The ranch went under late last year, The drought got mighty tough. The boss held-out a long, long time, But finally said, "enough!" So here I am dispatchin’ cops An’ watchin’ felons sleep, In Junction, at the county jail, A job I’ll prob’ly keep. The wife, she works at Leisure Lodge, Where older people stay, A-makin’ beds an’ moppin’ floors To earn some ‘extra’ pay. Though “extra pay‘s” the term I used, It goes to payin’ rent, An’ after all the bills are paid, We wonder where it went. We hocked my saddle, guns an' chaps, An' then our weddin' rings; Then when we couldn't pay the loan, They sold the 'dad-blamed' things. We felt real bad a day or two But then we let it go, Cause it got Christmas for the kids When money got real slow. When hard times come they sit a spell, Don't matter who you are; They'll cost ya things you've set aside, An' clean your cookie jar. You'll loose some sleep an' worry some, Won't pay to moan an' groan; But hang on to your happiness, They'll finally leave ya 'lone.


Details | Life Poem |

She read me Dr Seuss

6:35 A.M.

Sunrise against my neck
that no cheap tan booth could ever match.

I ring the doorbell in anticipation of joy’s injection.

I needed it.

Because I left my cell phone in the car,
as I didn’t want to hear any chimed email
or text annoyances.

And the car just got cleaned,
only for the birds to have their way
on its waxy shine.

Bastards!

Time to grab the flamethrower from my trunk!

But, before I could scream in Braveheart declaration,
there she was.

Her 6 yr old smile,
made of 1/4 inch gaps between innocence enamel,
captured me like no other could.

“Tio”, she preached in angelica sonata.

As she held me,
held me,
with puppy love warmth.

Even the rainbows fell to its knees.

She took off my jacket with ferret-like perkiness and
asked me to sit on the floor with her.

But, not before offering to toast me some Eggo waffles
with a big glass of Ovaltine…
…in her Little Mermaid glass,
proudly made in North Korea.

It even had the dictator’s initials and a bucktooth smiley face stamp, signed in glitter
that said:
“Kid-safe”.

Thank God I just took my online course in Child Safety.
I was ready!

As I sip on Little Mermaid’s curves,
shaped in plastic, swirly straw weirdness,
a sound blasts off from a Barbie radio.

My 2 yr old angel galloped into this heart of mine,
with Tinnitus piercing scream & laughter,
tackling me in Incredible Hulk lunge.

“Hi Tio”, she whispered, before she hopped back upstairs, 
Ninja Turtle-style,
laughing maniacally with rapid head tilts, left to right to left.

Boys will fear her. 
And I couldn’t be more proud.

After two moments of silence, 
my 6 yr old angel places her Dr. Seuss book on my lap,
as she sits in front of me.

“I can r-r-read
with my eye-s
shut.”

She carefully completed the sentence,
as my eyes instantly fill with leaky pride
and an ingrained smile.

10 minutes later, she shut her book and asked me how she did.
“I am so proud of you my angel.”
“You have come so far.”

I had to hold back tears because I didn’t want to throw her off.
Yet I think she knew,
because she kept her head down and smiled with gentle starburst.

Mission accomplished.

And it was then where I heard her say,
“Those who matter don’t mind,
those who mind don’t matter.”

But she was quiet, looking at me with tilted head & smile.

For it was my inner child, 
speaking
clear.

© Drake J. Eszes


Details | Life Poem |

All About Carolyn

When my time is done and I am finally laid to rest
I don’t want to be recalled as one who lived life depressed

So as I wrote my will, I chose to leave an instruction
That laughing gas be inhaled by all those at the function

No mournful eulogies will a pastor have to invent
For my funeral will be held under a circus tent

When dozens of clowns emerge from the tiny Volkswagen
Reams of my silly limericks Bozo will be dragin’

And as they’re read aloud, family and friends who knew me best
Will say, “She had a sense of humor, this we can attest.”

Mimes will mimic me trying to write the world’s best novel
As my corpse hangs from the trapeze, surely they will marvel

Laughter will ensue as they shoot me from the cannon
Flying high in my demise across the great Grand Canyon

All the children will smile and there’ll be no tears allowed
So no one will ever remember me as a “dark cloud”

There are people who seem to take life way too seriously 
When I meet my Maker, don’t view this as a tragedy

Dad called me his “happy girl,” so let me go out that way
I want to leave them laughing as I reach my judgment day



Entry for Sidney Lee Ann's "All About You" contest


Details | Life Poem |

Lucila

So I walked into my local supermarket
to buy my weekly shipment of Kit Kat bars,
Cinnamon Toast Crunch,
and Ovaltine powder mix.

As I shake off the snow on my fake Timberland boots,
my skin,
coated in frozen animation,
thaws into warmth’s teardrops from
the supermarket’s 75 degree vents.

This moist sense of happiness was quickly interrupted
when I heard Wilson Phillips, “Hold On”
over the PA system.

Thankfully, the cutlery isle was just to my left. 
So, now, I had plans!

But, before I could commit felony’s song,
I saw her.

A Portuguese goddess
with a strut that can ruin a man’s dignity.

She had Autobahn curves,
dark brown curls of hair & visuals,
and thick flesh meat that even Vegans would envy.

Her face lacked Maybelline coated misapprehension.
Thank God!
Cause I never did like clowns.

After staring longingly at her,
like a crack head with impulsive eyes upon a broken/unlabeled bag of baby powder,
she breezed past my stifled posture and clocked in to work.

She didn’t even get a chance to smell my $500 cologne called “Piece of Me”.

So with new-found urges to grab all my groceries,
like a burglar who really has to pee,
I rush to express checkout. 

There she is.

Her register beeps in coupon lady’s rhapsody,
while my register needs a cleanup on Isle 9.

Now it’s my turn.

With girlish inner-screams of boy-band intensity,
I say, “Hi”.

She scans my apples, while I scan her melons.
The melons that the customer ahead of me didn’t want…
…they were on sale.

Go fig.

As if she read my mind,
she asks,
“Are you feeling warm now?”

“All I want is to be the heat in your moment”,
which I almost said.

But, “Now I am”, is uttered.

As she smiled with seductive demure,
she handed me my receipt
with her phone number on back.

As I left the market,
I began to get cold again.

These winds of change
became gusts of numbness.

I locked myself out of my heart.

I turned around to go back inside.

Only to discover, 
she didn’t have the key.

© Drake J. Eszes


Details | Life Poem |

80 Proof Nights

A foggy Cuervo morning
I crawl out of my bed
Stagger to the bathroom
With a pounding in my head

It’s just another Sunday
Things can’t get much worse
I think i’ll write a poem
Yes, another drunken verse

Tiny glass of 80 proof
What courage you gave me
To dance upon a table
While crooning karaoke

I truly thought that I could sing
I could hear the people cheer
Then I lost my footing
And fell right on my rear

Now falling off of tables
Isn't really all that dumb
Cause I got such a chuckle
Telling everyone to kiss my bum

I kissed a man I didn’t know
You think that’s absurd
Well his wife was rather angry
When I flipped her the big ol bird

When Jose takes control of me
I have no pride or shame
Doesnt really matter much
Cause no one knows my name

I drank until the wee hours
Things were going great
Until that final shot of gold
That sealed my eveings fate

I spent some time talking
On a ice cold porceline phone
If I survive this night
Tomorrow I will atone

Well today is tomorrow
So forgive me for my sin
Never again will I drink tequila
Instead I’m drinking gin


Details | Life Poem |

THE CONFESSIONS OF THE WORLD'S WORST HOUSEWIFE

I’m the world’s worst housewife, this I’m confessing The state of this place is more than depressing When I try to tidy I just add to the cess pool of messing If you did a white glove test, a foot of grime you’d be caressing Visitors gasp, drop their jaws and then their gag reflexes require suppressing No, really, it’s so bad that our parish priest refused to do a house blessing Even a snake in the grass with itchy, loose skin would fear undressing Every dish in my kitchen sink soaks in slimy misery, like it is convalescing Clutter increases and my teeny floor space continues regressing There is so much hair in the grey tub you could make a wig with clumps of tress-ing And my bathwater holds mysteries so deep that a Scot would say I am Loch Ness-ing Something in my fridge has been there for so long that its now phosphoresc-ing And that carton of milk? Ew, its contents need no second guessing My family stoops to avoid cobwebs so thick that each droop is oppressing The dust on shelves grows like the love for me that the fluff is now daily professing But that crud in the corner that is starting to smell? I admit, it needs addressing My looking glass is so crusty that all I can see is Alice and those queens a-chess-ing The laundry weighs so much that our concrete floor has started compressing But, frankly, my husband likes it that I’m wearing somewhat less and less-ing I’ve tried to ignore that bag over there, but it’s seeping puss and might be abscessing Once upon a time I answered phones, organized chaos and did word processing Now I’m mom to a girl who gets most of my attention and its she that I’m princess-ing Some of you may think I’m just idleless-ing But we spend most of our days playing, our affection expressing Her sweetness blossoms, though her temperament needs a wee bit of finessing Oh, but she’s cute and funny! How my darling, the world is impressing And at night when she’s asleep- instead of dusting- I prefer letter pressing Does it really matter that my home isn't a palace of some ancienne noblesse-ing? And in MHO an immaculate house is just silly window dressing So come on over, my friends, believe me, my place is in no way stressing In fact, laughter floats in my muddle like bubbles effervesce-ing We dance all day long with dust motes ~ my definition of joy and true success-ing.


Details | Life Poem |

The Pirates Life

    He stands upon the salty,slippery deck,
Yelling yaargh matey ,
with a halfhearted pirate drawl.
He's not to impressed with himself,
not an eyepatch or wooden leg,
not even a hooked claw.
The parrot on his shoulder,
is a wannabee,
a sparrow that fell from the Crowsnest, 
from high up above.
It has no quips ,or spikes,
or pirate quotes,
just nesting on his shoulder 
with birdly kind of love.
Aye captain the crew responds,
snapping to their chores.
Tend the wheel ,lash the mainsail,
take the soundings
 less we hit a reef.
The sea going life is not for every man,
walking the plank,storms and rickets.
Crabs in your knickers ,
really give you grief.
Aah but when the wind fills the sails to bursting,
yards of canvas strain to be free.
And the ropes play ,sea going music
of a tension melody.
A song that captures
every young buccaneers heart ,
and soul and fancy.
For the music of the wanderers life,
an endless expanse of blue,
bravehearts and fearless men find,
quite a bit too chancy.
Black Beard,Yellow Beard,
the famous Captain Blood,
were all fearless pirates of their day.
He truly knows that he can be,
a great one too.
If he could ever find that bleeping map,
and escape this landlocked bay.


Details | Life Poem |

My butt crack

My butt crack 
Is quite a split 
It supports the rest of me 
when I sit 
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?

My butt crack 
Is a marvel to behold 
It was cute when I was young 
but now offensive since I'm old 

My butt crack 
Is pretty darn straight 
can you imagine if it was crooked 
pretty weird sight I would rate 

My butt crack 
Is funny to me 
when I bend over in my jeans 
It peeks out 
for you to see 

My butt crack 
wanted me to write this today 
for no other reason 
then just to say......................

I gotta split 


LOL 

Eric (and sometimes not)


Details | Life Poem |

LOVE at FIRST SIGHT

Love was in the air when he laid eyes on her.
Childhood; elementary and even high school with her.
Walking towards her, he greeted her.
Anxiety spiraled as he hugged her.
Conversation grew deeper as he sat with her.
Wanting to get closer because he was falling for her.

Another woman called pausing the time he was having with her.
Knowing he had to answer; he stepped away and spoke to her.
She stated that something wasn't quite right with her.
She said that her stomach had been bothering her.
Now he's thinking back if he came inside her.
Thinking if she lied to him about her tubes being tied inside her.

Does he blame himself for listening to her?
Knowing right from wrong and yet he can't blame her.
Does he blame the devil for allowing him to be intimate with her?
Is he not a human that makes mistakes just like her?
Begging God to make a way for him and her.
Asking God to forgive him for committing the sin with her.

God said, "relax my son, you were only dreaming of her."







Details | Life Poem |

The Elephant in the Room

3 polished oak fans,
Swirling in robotic unison

High maintenance socialites,
Sipping on Merlot fallacies

Lemon yellow coated walls,
Flat,
Like their smiles

Comparisons of dangling Porsche & Bentley keys
A glorified day care center,
Pacifiers included

The muted virtuosos speak softly in hymn dialects.

Courtesy laughter in snob’s octave

Their heads twitching side to side,
Left to right to left

An equilibrium facing assault charges against self

They slow dance to cello dreams
And E minor dividends

Two-step monotone, sway
Against platinum lacquer foundations

…

But, it was then.

These same socialites,
Made of recycled candle wax
And rubberized, hedge-fund confidence,
Began to stare longingly at the party host’s 70 inch plasma TV

Proudly imported from China

“Attention uptight snobs of Mecca!
The city zoo has imploded!
The monkeys revolted!
The zebras were tired of being racially profiled!
Run for your LIV…!”
(SMASH!)

And before the reporter’s frightened inner child could finish’s his clause,
An elephant crashes into the decadent room
Filled with Crisp linen scents of Febreze & judgmental fear

It stares at the socialites,
Laughing heartedly as it playfully stomps away into constellation’s onyx night

As tears waterfall from the snobs’ sobbing eye sockets
As if they just listened to another Celine Dion song

The real newsflash

Metaphors played hooky today

©Drake J. Eszes


Details | Life Poem |

All Change

This year I turned the big ‘5-0’
And my body is acting strange
So I went to see the doctor who said
Not to worry, as I was going through ‘the change.’

“Is there anything I can take?” I asked
He replied, “There’s HRT
But I don’t believe in prescribing it,
Let’s try to deal with this naturally!”

You could have knocked me backwards
And I thought, all well and good for him
It wasn’t his raging hormones 
Making him feel like a stranger within

He doesn’t get narked, by the little things
That before would go over his head
Or wake up at night, in a lather of sweat
And have to get up to change his bed

It isn’t him having palpitations
Which make you feel like you’re going to die
It’s not him, who feels angry one moment
And the next as if he could cry

He’s not lapsing in concentration
Or feels like he’s his losing his mind,
Because he put the milk in the washing machine
And it took him an hour to find!

It isn’t he who keeps feeling so crap
When a ‘monthly’ is missed or comes late
And I bet he never just has to look at food
In order for him to gain weight!

He’s not always taking medicine for thrush
Or constantly needing to pee
So I bet he’d be first to pop the pills
If it was him going through this, not me

So I looked at him and said “I’ll give it a go
But I don’t really hold much hope”
And walked out of his surgery, feeling as though
I could have hung him with some rope!

But off I went and months have gone past
Of getting worse doing - ‘naturally,’
So I’ve made an appointment with a lady doc
Who might take pity, and prescribe ‘HRT.’


Details | Life Poem |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Life Poem |

Ewmer Fudd and Buggs Bunny Paint the Town Wed

Got home awound twee (I was dwunk as a wouse)
Awose pwomptly at five wit' dwy cotton-mouth
I knew wather soon my day was gonna' bwow
When I stwuggled outta' bed and stubbed my wight toe
Fwopped back on the mattwess cwying and twitchin' 
Staggoid back up and wimped to the kitchen
Stumbled to the counter to bwew Folger's bwend
Spiwwed it down my Hanes and boint my widdle fwend
Hobbled to the bathwoom to wustle up some Tums
Twipped on my fwip-fwop and bwuised my weft bun

Should not have cawoused wit' owe Bugsey wast night
Now my head hoits and de wight is too bwight
If I had not dwunk gin for my mowale booster
I coulda' swept in trew 'dat wascally wooster

(Don't feel wike wunning dat siwwy wat-wace
Tink I might caw in sick at the Woony-Tune pwace)

***Inspired by quote #4 in Giorgio's contest 
Tim Wyerson wote dis (Tim Ryerson)







Details | Life Poem |

My Very FIRST TIME

                                        I 
                                        jerked it
                                        out to place
                                        it back in and
                                        it seems as though I can't get any out.

                                        I
                                      jerked it
                                     out again
                                  to place it back
                       in, yet, no luck in getting any out.

                                        So,
                                      I tried
                                    ANOTHER
                               form of Pleasure,
                      taking off the lid and using plastic.

                                        I 
                                        simply
                                        just wanted
                                        to drink my milk-
                                        shake using a straw but a spoon will do.



Pace, G
04-20-2012


Details | Life Poem |

This laundry never ends

Oh laundry, how relentless you are in this house,
It’s as if I were a polygamist’s spouse.

By: Sabina Nicole


Details | Life Poem |

A Bad Day at the Eye Doctor's- a true story

"It was 6 or 7 years ago
Or so I'd like to think
I traveled to my eye doctor..
(I should'a seen a "shrink"!!)

My dad and I we awaited
In a filled up waiting room
Patients all a'seat
Magazines all askew
There wasn't much to say there
There wasn't much to do...

Slowly I did notice
Some odd glances made at me...
Some hand-covered conversations...
Some smirks I seemed to see

It made me feel self-conscious
They seemed fixed looking at me in my seat
When slowly I did realize...
That they were staring at my feet...

I looked down, and to my horror
And much to my surprise...
A sight I could not fathom...
I could not believe my eyes!!!

For one foot was well fitted
with tennis sneaker white...
The other a black dress shoe
It was a startling sight!!!

Now I found how hard it was
to hide one's mismatched feet
I wished to God to run out
And escape onto the street

I was red with great embarrassment
and shocked how stupid I could be!
Had I been that darn sleepy?
Or could I just not see?

Then it slowly dawned on me,
Well, darn it, here I sit....
Proves I need an eye-doctor...
and I don't give a sh__......."


Details | Life Poem |

Princess Needs A New Car

Princess just wants a new car.
I have told her that hers will go far.
'Oh, it's really not cool
driving this crap to school.'
'Do I need that emotional scar? '

'The kids will all laugh at the rust.
When we race, I'll be left in the dust! 
I will save up some cash
then we'll make a mad dash
to the car dealer surely you trust'.

'He will make us a wonderful deal
and I'm sure you will know how I feel.
I will love you so much, 
My siblings... I won't touch.
Just get me behind a new wheel'! 

Now she'll be cruisin in style.
She'll be happy for only awhile.
There will always be better
and we'll try hard to get her
a car that will make princess smile.


Details | Life Poem |

Cleaning Solution

Sticky smears on the table top.
on the couch spilled soda pop
one chewed up shoe and one flip-flop
I’m doomed to clean this mess non-stop
            
Greasy dog bones gone astray
found buried in the rug today
the hamster made a getaway
where he’s gone it’s hard to say.

The shower drain is plugged, I swear
the tub has grout and needs repair
dirty laundry everywhere.
it really is a mess out there.

Under beds dust bunnies show
all closets are on overflow
the fridge is packed with things that grow
dishes clog  the sink, I know.

Spaghetti sauce dumped on the floor
12 eggs broke, need I say more
fingerprints on every door
this place,  a never-ending chore

Just when I think things can’t get worse
the leaking fish tank cracked and burst
40 gallons was dispersed
I think this house is cursed.

In every corner, ledge and groove
dirt and grim must be removed
there’s one solution I approve
pack your things, we’re going to move!



Liz Relly – 3/06/2012
“Cobwebs and Dust”  Contest (new start)


Details | Life Poem |

Its Raining...

                          Its Raining…

God’s Cleansing Tool
Cloud-Concerto… How Cool !
Plop-Plop Plopping into Pothole Pools
On the Grass, Pavements and On My Own-Sweet- Fools…

who, don’t have Sense enough, to get out of the Rain…
… I think I’ll go Join Them… Again

                               Amen


Details | Life Poem |

Sweet and Salty -LIBRA TALE

*          LIBRA  TALE

Sweet and Sour hectic sign
Love me, trust me, stars align
   Balance of truth and dare
   Good and Evil, full of care 
Blind when it comes to blood line.


 
:)


Details | Life Poem |

Honorable Mention

On entering this contest I have to admit
The fame it will bring me when I push "submit"
Is all that I'm after -  my name in bright lights
The kind of attention I earned with my writes.

I used to get noticed for walking in late
To school, then to jobs, and even for dates
My family picked up on my one loud defect
And thought they could fix me - no disrespect.

They told me that dinner would be served at five
When seven was really the time to arrive
Two hours they gave me to help cure the curse
But of course I found out and the problem got worse.

Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my room
Instead, I am writing, ignoring the broom
My shrink says that tardiness is a cry for attention
I'll clean my room later for an honorable mention.


Details | Life Poem |

Senior Moment?

How is it that I

Can forget the objective

Before I get there?










Writer's Note:

No, I'm not a senior (not even close) so I don't have any excuse for this dilemma!  

DG


Details | Life Poem |

Bubbly Cheerful And Happy

                            In a small town there lived a little lady
                                  The lady`s name was Lucinda
                     Lucinda was always bubbling, cheerful and happy
                           When she laughed here rolling laughter,
                              both her cheeks and bosom shaked
                          She was a beautiful woman with wide hips,
                              and a butt as big as a dinner table
                           Lucinda was old and walking was difficult
                                and life was not so easy for her
                              She had not so much in this world,
                               but she always brought a bicycle
                         Everyone in the small town would help her
                                        as best they could
                 Whatever you did for her, she thanked  with these words:
                             "You shall have my old bike when I die"
                Following the bubbling laughter, shaking cheeks and bosom
                           Everyone in the small town knew Lucinda,
                                 loved her and wanted to help her
                                     Same thanks every time:
                            "You shall have my old bike when I die"
                                        Now Lucinda is dead
                    Her bike the city has received as a gift from Lucinda
                   If you see a bike in the flower park in the small town
                  Is it to remind the beloved sweet, rolling round Lucinda 
                                 that was always cheerful and happy







  

                             * Just written for joy..... not for a contest

27.04.2012
A-L Andresen


Details | Life Poem |

All about Dan

So you want to get to know me,ok well here goes It's already in my poetry,but I may have left something out who knows? For the last twenty years I've been wearing Nike shoes,hightops that are black They're alot easier to clean then white ones I must say,that is a definite fact My friends all seem to like me and I greet them all with a big smile I've met alot of them through a life of partying,but now thats been over for a while My favorite book is the bible,because whenever I read it I learn something new My favorite movie I couldn't really tell you,since I have seen oh quite a few My favorite song is from Tim Mcgraw,it's"Live Like You Were Dying" In a funny kind of way it refreshes my soul,and I usually end up crying Favorite singer I don't really have one,so I guess it would have to be myself Because I just love it when I sing all the words and don't need anyones help My hair is a dirty blond thats straight,short and very fine It doesn't have a single curl and I know it's all still mine My favorite shampoo is Pert it leaves my hair so silky smooth With the fine and thining hair that I have,it's the one I prefer to use My favorite food is pizza,but fresh baked bread is my favorite smell If I had a food I'd eat everyday that is the one that would put me through hell I have everything I need,with only a few things that I dislike The only thing I want or really need is the love of my loving wife
Dan Kearley:5-25-12 Contest:All About ____???


Details | Life Poem |

Loose me ASAP

Gardening in a dress
Figured it would be nice and breezy
A red wasp had his way with my back side easy

One little wasp caused alot of mess
Ten stings/bites caused me alot of ouchy
Then itching beyond control of sensitivity


12