Beyond the holy light
Of the great god Empathy now enshrined
There is its daily due
In offerings of flesh and blood.
What was once simply a way to relate to others
A way to feel and understand
The pack and herd,
Has become instead a way to sacrifice.
A way to show in extreme
How good we are, how faithful,
How willing to take up the suicidal vest
To offer our unworthy selves to vague humanity.
(9/6/26)
Once again l am feeling suicidal
How many pills this time do l take
But forgotton to read the labal
As long as heals pain, heartache
Used to think l was indestructable
Once again l am starting to break
With these thoughts so perpetual
Perhaps now not as much at stake
Even simplist of tasks unmangable
I'm told get a grip for goodness sake
But hay though it is then my funural
Never asked you to turn up at my wake
Sinicle but hay how l feel all time been their done it some words left over from poem suicide slip and slide written 2020
I
Moonlight, shone upon her collied, weary heart.
scarred by a life of many failures
and dreams unfulfilled
now she is a slave to her own thoughts,
and undying feelings of indifference.
the master of puppets
pulls on her heartstrings.
she lives on the dark side of the moon.
yet her volcanic beauty is like
a rare celestial body Galileo laid eyes on for the first time
through a telescope back in 1610
and sketched into our history books
for future human beings to gaze at and be marveled by.
this is what her beauty is like.
her eyes are like Egyptian Pools
they show a reflection of her eternal soul
which flows like the Nile;
it could give life to entire civilizations.
she doesn’t see the big picture,
she doesn’t see her beauty,
and these are both great tragedies.
still, she lives on the dark side of the moon,
the girl who was afraid to be…
The urge is overwhelming –
to see my battered skin break open.
To feel, believe, that I’m alive –
might thaw my soul, so frozen.
I’m cold, I’m numb, am I even real? –
or a figment of someone’s mind?
(For) no matter how much blood I spill –
(there’s no) feeling left that I can find.
I’m lost within a realm of souls –
where all but mine can matter.
I hate this suit of flesh I’m in –
it’s torn, beaten, and battered.
I’m branded as the “useful one” –
but all the same, disposable.
This hate could fill a sea —
(until it’s) shores should burst and overflow.
My loathing, not for others –
although they care not of their sins.
But if I must be honest –
I hate this soul which lies within.
I never understood –
why I was treated as an outcast.
I guess I’m just too sick –
perhaps it’s why my friends don’t last.
Having a run, but not in hand,
Excited for I know my prize is grand.
It’s time to draw, but not from the deck,
I drew too much, now my figure’s a wreck.
Making lines, my soul further in debts,
I add more lines, I like placing bets.
Instead of pounds, I use my own,
A little more cautious, now down to the bones.
A little on edge, for my cover mustn’t be blown,
Acting as stoic as possible,
Expression like stone.
I try and do my best bluff,
But maybe I didn’t try hard enough.
I might tap-out, for luck’s not in my favour,
My turn is overdue, I should’ve signed that waiver.
Knowing if I lose, the cost will be major,
But I’m not too scared,
For my life is something I often wager.
let me love you again
in love with you in every way
in love with you in every way again
things you are
giving up
giving you up
i need to give you up, but i know not yet how
why can't i view you as a friend
why can’t i get over it
it’s been so long
addiction
my strange addiction
my favorite man
i hate you
i am selfish
i know you didn’t do this on purpose, but it has always felt like
you did.
what you did.
maybe you did it on purpose, and i am gaslighting myself
was that wishful thinking
do i wish for vengeance
why have you forsaken me
where did you go
i miss you
i miss you more than you will ever know
forbidden fruit
goodbye
i wish you knew
i wish i had kept you blocked
i cut myself on the same rusty knife as last time
now i want to be dead
it does not feel well
it does not feel well with my soul
I didn't understand,
God was holding my hand.
I was lonely,
God was holding my hand.
I was hungry,
God was holding my hand.
I was sick,
God was holding my hand.
I was depressed,
God was holding my hand.
I was anxious,
God was holding my hand.
I was scared,
God was holding my hand.
I was bitter,
God was holding my hand.
I was regretful,
God was holding my hand.
I was angry,
God was holding my hand.
I was greedy,
God was holding my hand.
I was sinful,
God was holding my hand.
I was without faith,
God was holding my hand.
I was suicidal,
God was holding my hand.
I'm still here,
Now I understand,
God is holding my hand.
Dare I share my intrusive thoughts
Once suicidal in a mood so dark
I actually tried to stop my heart
Using vitamins to sin with life to part
It was a low that got so deep
Manic tide had overcome me
Was hearing voices in trilogies
Mad as I was bipolar buried
I recall walking outside
Collapsed in the sunshine
Barely recall ambulance ride
Feeling lost wanting to die
Intrusive thoughts from deep hell
Kept me lost and so very unwell
I was a boat without a sail
Within my mind in a prison cell
Lost many months in a ward
Though so sick poetry still soared
God used doctors nurses to save
A crazy little poet from herself that day
I’m hiding this note far from humanity
And yes you are dying to know why I want it out of sight
I’m hiding this note from man
Far from the sun yet close
Too close to be missed
As I am scribbling these words
Inked in sweat and blood
Coming from a place I can’t run from no more
Coming from a heart that seem to you just normal
Yet I’m dying from the weight of my tongue
Yes I am dying
Even though silence has won my soul
I’m reaping these emotions for you to so sow
I am standing in the brightest room
And yet too hard to be seen
Even though this moment was unforeseen
I hope some day, you will find this note
I wrote when my mouth was the only source of tears
I am hiding this note far from from myself
How would you claim you know yourself and you can’t handle yourself
Even though I am failing myself
I hope you cherish the little memories you have left
I hope you find this note
And when you do, and when your heart start racing
Remember, to stay strong
Suicidal
Ohh little one
The world knew not for you let no one,
Not to find out, but kept your woes.
Your thoughts became your biggest foes.
You belittled yourself if not fitted.
Where is your voice hidden?
That all at once you just quitted,
The life so good one would be smitten.
You woke the alarms of death,
And broke the hearts of your dear ones.
Who would have gone depths,
For life without you I loathe.
Poems request that I be authentic.
I am unsure my pen can take it.
I live life as an emotional sayer,
but should I now reveal each layer
my blood will spill upon this paper.
I have sought to give life tender smiles
while enduring heart wrenching trials.
I have glued events found fragile
into some matter I can handle.
I have not once run or pretended,
or taken pain and tried to bend it,
for one truth grew – my Father sent it.
To have peace, I must befriend it
or, God forgive, I must end it.
One small second is all powerful
and all it took to destroy all I knew.
It did not eclipse past tears lived thru,
but forever altered pain’s known hue.
Here I am, at the mid-century mark
searching out a new life for my heart.
Such desires are not easily caught.
The universe bruised, we constantly fought.
Life injures, it will hurt and blister.
Then there is joy, the sweetest kisser,
and for that I am still prompted on,
longing for fear-notes to leave my song.
Sadness revealed my spiritual soul,
took it thru hell to achieve its goal.
Each hurt is a small grain of my total pain,
so raw and brave behind my human name.
My government
Has not approved
Helping the poor.
Going down town
Ancient food chain
Menu price up.
Market items
Rotting all eyes
Left empty hands.
My eyes eating
Paint hamburger
Cramps my belly.
I’ll be gone this summer.
It’s just a fact of life.
One day when the moon settles into the heavens
and the hazy heat loses its grip on the day,
I’ll walk to the woods
and never emerge.
I’ll become one with the earth,
take my last breaths to the sounds of crickets and
squirrels scurrying to their treetop homes.
It’s not particularly something I want to do;
some days, I even find myself scoffing at this possibility.
But deep down, I know it must be done.
My existence is a wrong that must be righted
by my own hand, if by nothing quicker.
I’m better off dead.
No doubt about it.
I’ll lift the weight off my loved ones soon.
I just hope they know the last words on my lips will be a whispered
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm sick of the silence
I’m sick of the distance
I’m sick of hiding
I’m sick of being someone i’m not
I’m sick of trying too hard just to fall short
I’m sick of the lies, the lies that keep me up at night wondering if this was a canon event that changed my life
I’m sick of trying too hard just to fall short, over, and over again
I’m sick of the loss of friendship in our society
I’m sick of the tension
I’m sick of being a teen
I’m sick of feeling
I’m sick of the anxiety and overthinking
I’m sick of the mood swings
I’m sick of being a girl, stereotyped and criticized, expected to do the wrong thing.
Jailed for the will to be jailed
Kids shouldn’t play with fire
But they do, and of course they fail
In full conscious of mad desire
What now, will you write a sequel
To Servantes’s Don Quixote
Lots of tyres around every mill
A borsch with pampushka you’ve got
There’ll be Ursula of Brussels
The lady you wish to know better
There’ll be most malign old fossils
You must kill them, then go to get her
Or maybe you’ll call it a day
And give it all up, my brave kid
You’ve said what you needed to say
No one wanted, but you did
Like a moth to the flame you flew
To explain the obvious – why?
Suicidal truth suits a rare few
For the rest the price is too high.
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