We are taking a long horseback ride
On the great continental divide
They are singing "Mule Train"
Just like old Frankie Laine
While my poor butt is wailing "Rawhide"
The guide's muscles are trapezoidal
With ripples and bulges steroidal
All the bulges I find
Are inside my behind
And for sure are all hemorrhoidal
I guess I'm a poor city slicker
Of riding I couldn't be sicker
I would rather be home
Where no buffalo roam
With sitz bath and plenty of liquor
The trail is finally on the last branch
All the bleeding at last I can stanch
The guide said there's a hut
Where he'll tend to my butt
Here at the Brokeback Mountain Dude Ranch
July 13, 2014
"Baby, this view is fantastic,
Who knew what you could buy with plastic!
With these credit cards, unlimited funds,
Any regrets, heck no, baby I got none.
Riding on an interest rate of twenty percent,
Who cares, this is money well spent!"
Says the thief who stole my purse from the rest stop location,
One of the many tales of my no good, horrible road trip vacation.
Riding down I-seventy five, heading to Mackinaw Island for a getaway,
Me and my best boy beside me, taking an adventure, oh what a day.
Construction just north of Detroit, that scary van is stopped to our right.
Keeping my legs crossed, I might wet myself, will that be alright.
He gives me a smile with a crooked left tooth and a wave with two fingers
Push the gas pedal quick, the filthy dirty looks he is giving on me lingers.
Put the pedal to the metal and off we go, not slowing down for no one
Riding high in my seventy-three coupe de vile, the fun has just begun
Didn't see that State Trooper hiding behind that sign, just past Auburn Hills
Tried to out gun him with my 405, but he caught us just past the old mills
"Son you are in a heap of a mess, speeding like Ricky Bobby in Talladega
Two choices, let me have a spin with your gal or I'll haveta read you your
After twenty minutes, we sped off not even looking in the rear view mirror
Our vacation destination of Mackinaw Island was getting closer and clearer.
It was smooth sailing, so we thought, as the night was getting dark.
Find a hotel bed soon baby, we all are angst we missed our mark.
The sign said two miles to Holiday Inn, But it’s already been nine.
Comin’ up on us now is a big yellow Dead End road sign.
Down this dirt road we skimming across freshly grated dirt.
Could stop fast enough, deer crossing, don’t worry none got hurt.
Baby this ride is exciting
That’s what I’m supposed to be sayin’
But with my crosses on my neck,
All these issues, dang I’m just prayin’
Ridin’ seventy five, with the wind in our hair.
I don’t care how we do it, baby just get us there.
Finally arrived in Mackinaw City, getting ready to board Shepler's Ferry
The line was long, the lake waves were high, we were saying Hail Mary's
The winds picked up, the skies drew dark. a storm had come without warning
The ferry turned around, couldn't go there now, not until the next morning.
We stayed in a run down, worn out cabin on the edge of the great lakes
Wondering why these vacations always turn out to bring mistakes.
But then I look in your eyes and you look deeply into my mine.
And i know no matter where we go or what we do, everything turns out just
Vacation Humor Contest
Spending three full days and two nights at sea
Is surely the best vacation for me
Conch chowder dinner the night before
At dawn adieu to the Key West shore
Round-trip journey to Dry Tortugas
Swordfish are known to put up a fuss
It could take four hours just to reel in
Set the reel on drag and watch it spin
Some folks say it’s the thrill of the catch
There’s so much fun in the sparring match
A battle between woman and fish
Three-hundred-pound prey, no better dish
The best reward comes at dinnertime
Succulent fare in sauce made of lime
Some can’t relate and I understand
But fresh-caught fish is better than canned
From the Gulf Stream straight to the table
This adventure requires no fable
Working out with weights ‘fore I embark
Knowing swordfish are no easy mark
Snorkeling too at Tortuga reef
Expectations are beyond belief
My idea of a perfect vacation is slated for May 30 to June 1. Entry for Carol
Brown’s “It’s Time for a Vacation” contest.
Life becomes so busy that sometimes we loose sight
of, He who protects us through the darkness of night.
He is our shelter, our becon in the storm,
the rays of sunshine that keep our body warm.
How many times, do you forget to pray
What if God, decided to leave for a day.
Would we have protection from darkness of night,
with no guidance, would we do whats right.
If you got in trouble, who would you call on quick
Who would give you comfort, if you got sick.
If you need a friend, He wouldn't be at your side
Without his shield, where would you hide.
The next time you decide that God is the blame,
bow your head and have the decency, to feel shame.
He has never deserted His throne up above
Every day He showers us with endless love.
It wouldn't hurt a bit, to praise the one,
who made the ultimate sacrifice, of his only son.
written 28th June 2013
The place downunder, I'm happy to call my home
if you plan on a visit, here's somethings you do "need" to know
Kakadu is a place 'you' need to take the time to see
such magic you will never won't to leave
But...if your arms "outside" the boat...
It...WILL end up down, a crocodiles throat
Ayres rock...is a must place to have on your list, simply this you can not miss
As the sun descends watch it's colours change, you'll be mesmerised by 'pure' bliss
Coober Pedy...for those slightly intrigued with the underground
for it is here, a quiet town where all there house's are found
Ballarat...you can still find gold
Well... so I've been told
I recommend...."you" don't swim in the oceans at the top end..
surrounded by oceans.... the rest, feel free to jump in
"BUT" if you happen to see a 'fin' I highly 'recommend' you swim
With nights call..'when' offered pull up a chair, grab a beer and relax
there's just....'one small' catch
Don't ever be the 'first' to fall "asleep"
Aussie's find 'extensive' pleasure in an innocent prank when asleep
Enjoy your stay....and from the Land downunder we 'all' say "G'day"
and look forward to seeing you again, we know you had a great stay
Fourth of July meant summer vacation road trips
Sun and fun amusement parks and the beach
Flip flops and freckles carefree slow days like pouring cold honey
Fast and forever friends were found around the corner
New discoveries found due to a natural curiosity
Sea Shells, sea creatures and sand castles
young adventurers like westward homesteaders
We had life by the tail, no fear we new infinity
We believed we were untouchable
This little island was our haven and we explored like we were owners
Palm trees and tall grass was different than our everday tall oaks at home
Vacation was once per year no time to stop for necessities
Blistering sun on tender fair skin
Marinate my flesh in sunscreen
Daddy would laugh and play like he was a king
Mama didn't seem to mind as much on vacation our summer fling
The first big family vacation, it was all so new
Mom found a dream ranch, a so-called “dude”
The kids were so young, a daughter not yet two
Our son only four, wanting to ride with the crew
Rafting, riding, and a real Mountain Man too,
This vacation was a hit - who knew?
As the years go by, we’ve made many friends
But over time this special week transcends
As families grow, things change
It can’t be helped, not really strange
Truth be told, our hearts aren’t ready
To agree on a change, on that we’re unsteady
Because memories are priceless, we’ll soon not forget
The ranch rodeos, Fat-Bat baseball games, and the brunch ride silhouette..
Of our annual family picture on a mountain out West,
Every year showing our kid’s growth, we are very blessed
It’s not with sadness that I write about when this might end
For it will surely open up a new door or trend
For as long as your heart, your family, and your thoughts don’t scatter
Where you go on vacation really doesn’t matter
Beach, mountains, wherever, one really shouldn’t mind
As long as you’re together, the time spent can be sublime
Oh, there are gripes, moans, and argument; it’s part of the quest
But I wouldn’t miss it, for who would have guessed
That in time as with all things, it too will naturally end
As children grow up and add their family blend
But If our good fortune continues we’ll be part of what’s next
In the knowledge that our time together is a gift not a test
It’s time to pack the rocket,
Because there’s no need for cars.
For our first vacay,
That’s as far away,
As the wonderful world of Mars.
Yes that’s what the brochure said;
It’s a wonderful world out there.
So grab the yout’s,
And lunar boots,
But don’t forget the extra air.
I’ll always recall that first trip;
Starting with how to pack.
We stuffed the trunk,
Coz who woulda’ thunk,
We couldn’t bring a luggage rack.
Then we fueled her up with the good stuff,
To go fifty million miles.
Then I guffawed,
Let’s send the in-laws,
But that made my wife hostile.
I told the kids to go to the bathroom,
Then they looked at me in a daze.
When they found out.
We’ll be flying about,
Two hundred and fifty days.
There was one last major problem;
For a request we were afraid to hear.
Our son put us on the spot,
When he asked to bring Spot;
Not this time, he has to stay here.
Well that started the bellyaching,
That delayed us leaving the house.
“Will miss all our friends,
For who knows when?”
And that stuff was said by my spouse.
Thankfully calmer heads prevailed,
After toasting with some drink.
The kids didn’t peep,
And my wife fell asleep,
Due to the added drugs, I think?
Take off was smooth as can be;
Frankly, it was a hoot.
Until I realized,
High up in the skies,
I didn’t pack my bathing suit.
When the family finally woke up,
We were soaring close to the moon.
The kids both cheered,
Then said what I feared,
“Hey dad, will we be there soon?”
Well that was just the beginning,
There was more in store for me.
When one kid upchucked,
And the other one yucked,
“Hey dad, I got to go pee!”
Then my wife put in her two cents,
And asked if I’m driving all the way through?
I said we’ll stop for the night,
On the next meteorite;
What did she expect me to do?
At last Mars came into our sights;
Talk about being out in the sticks.
They asked where we’ll stay?
I said, to their dismay,
“This rocket doubles as a Motel Six.”
We all agreed Mars was wonderful;
An exquisite planet in red.
We took pic’s big time,
Then turned on a dime,
And flew back in uncomfortable beds.
Vacation...Not for the teachers!
Boys and girls squealling with glee, horses and wagons
So much information too little time! Cowboy UP!
The cold is really bothering me
It is time for a change
Told my boss I am leaving today
Gonna hop on a plane
I hear the weather is very warm
The sun will shine all day
Going to drink some appletinins
On the beach I will play
I will treasure every minute of it
Not a care in the world
I will make all types of memories
Cuss words will not be hurled
I'm leaving for vacation today
If it's nice I just might stay