Anxious as my thoughts paint out a canvas,
Tenuous strokes with each choke,
As I look at my hands, they soak,
Covered in blisters of oak,
As I wept through the saunter,
With no words their daughter says,
No peak at the herds,
Hoarsed around in their glammy gala,
Oh this fiesta, I could've taken a siesta,
Envied with this gluttonous rake over my bulging eyes,
Oh I'm shaken by this phrase,
Starved moons left to rot for this,
I cower with no fight to arise,
I begin to tremble with no cries,
Shots fired but it's only light,
I am in frame for only tonight.
Why does laughter feel like a threat?
It can’t be about me… can it?
My thoughts get loud and messy.
I feel nervous, embarrassed for nothing.
I look around once, then again.
My mind can’t make sense of anything.
Were they laughing at something I did?
Or is this just all in my head?
I try to tell myself it’s fine,
But doubt won’t leave, it stays in line.
Every laugh feels like a sting,
Like I’m the joke in everything.
I don’t ask, I just look around,
Notice the way they laugh and sound.
I stay steady, I let it slide,
Focus on myself, keep my stride.
Maybe no one’s laughing at me,
But that thought’s hard to believe.
I stay calm, I let it be,
Just here, just me, quietly.
Laughter keeps ringing in my ears,
But I’m learning to face my fears.
Not every laugh is meant to break,
Some are just laughs — no mistake.
A-bsent, but caring
B-ound by social anxiety
C-ontinuing Christian charity
D-elighting in incognito
E-nthusiastic in spirit
Am I acting normal?
Am I blinking too much?
Am I staring too long?
Are people staring at me?
Feeling nervous, embarrassed, uncomfortable inside.
Reminding myself to not let the unease show.
Making jokes to mask the nervous thoughts I have.
Laughing to cover up the awkward reactions.
Focusing on the distance to avoid staring too long.
Reminding myself to not blink too often.
Sitting alone, making an effort to not think if people think I’m strange because I’m not talking to anyone.
Wishing I could blend in with the wallpaper, to hide my concerned thoughts that piece my mind.
Anxiety.
A feeling that overwhelms your senses.
Blood pressure rising. Breathing becoming uncontrolled. You feel it in your chest, a pressure so heavy you can’t help but give in. A pressure that consumes your mind, thoughts,your body. A feeling that takes over your senses. You feel in within yourself. Tasting the bitterness on your tongue. Choking on the acid before you can speak. You see it when looking at others. Hear their whispers as you walk the halls. Can’t help feeling judged, outcasted, different. You try to ignore it but your eyes wander. Seeing their smirks, hearing their chuckles. You beg it to stop but it won’t; it can’t. Because Anxiety is a fatigue within one’s mind. A fatigue that won’t go away with a snap of one’s fingers. Anxiety consumes. Obtains everything in its path. And there’s no stopping it until you face it.
Loneliness lives in my bones.
People say get out of the house,
Be social and talk to a friend but
Crowds make it worse
Small talk sounds like chalkboard nails and
Sometimes..
I feel like
An alien invader outer-spacer
Hug evader
Human traitor
….Warmth betrayer.
Conversation is painful,
So pointless and empty.
99% of the time it makes me..
Cringe and
My legs hinge and
Voices buzz like bees around me and the air gets thick and sticky, I…
Fall to my knees, cover my ears try to cry out
but
I am alone.
Me, I'm the weeping poet you see sitting in that swing
Worrying about being perceived
For I think I am what I am not
"Sensitive girl" don't tell me twice
I may be alone, but I've got voices in my head and they tell me what to believe
May be weak, but my emotions run as deep as the blood in my warm veins
I fear the only person who could know me best is myself
So I speak through the music in my mind and the pencil on my notebook
And I speak through the silence I give
For I am what I choose to be
My words evade me
Sweat forms in beads
My tongue betrays me
At lightening speed
Quivering knees
Disarm my stance
Panic breeds
The devil’s dance
Something akin
To mourning hope
Runs through my skin
I fail to cope
I babble more
To ease the hush
They must abhor
My need to rush
Attention Queen
Or rambling freak
I didn’t mean
To over speak
The curfew of the liver - long gone.
The crowd - drunk, delusional, blank.
We were driving, standing still or worse -
both at the same time.
Howl time, bone time, penetration time
ticking slowly in shadows' breaths.
The war will never be over and
we finally get it.
A soul transplant,
an euthanasia of disfunctional dreams.
Do you still hear the crowd?
These mechanic voices of your mothers.
They whisper:
Shoot.
I’m afraid
That people take one look at me
And think I’m a freak.
Scars litter my arms
Thanks to self harm.
I’m afraid
Of what people think,
When I’m pushed to the brink.
Like a shipwreck
I sink.
Why do I care what other people think?
I’m afraid
Of prying eyes,
Tearing me to pieces
With their mind,
Spending so much time
Unraveling my lies.
I’m afraid
Of all these memories I’ve penned,
Of all the times I hit send.
All the emotions
Drown me like the ocean.
I have to learn
To be unafraid,
Because my dues to others have been paid.
I need to not care
What is said,
Here or there,
I’m not going to be afraid forever,
One day I’ll be fearless,
I will fear so much less.
I won’t conform to the mold
Set by others,
I’ll blossom,
Grow
And watch my life unfold.
How does a poet put his work on paper without pushing it away in disgust?
How does a man make a move without making a fool of himself?
How does a woman walk without worrying that she is being whispered about?
How does he hold his head high without hearing his head scream at him about his heinous acts?
How do they avoid the sad sickening spiral of worry which whips me about like a flag in the wind?
Whatever the case
Circumstance aside
I come to this place
I feel safe inside
I pull the doors to
I flip off the lights
Emotions accrue
As I sit down to write
Blank paper with ink
Safety surrounds
I easily think
With absence of sound
A moment for me
And no other soul
I set my thoughts free
Alone, I feel whole
I think love is a lot like us.
In truth, it's hard.
At least for me. To reach into my heart and pull each thought
Like some sort of note, to resort to the most simplistic of notion.
It all seems so simple.
To walk up towards the one we love and tell them how we truly feel.
At least for me.
To be honest I don't think it's entirely the thought of being rejected.
But the actual declaration and the realization that everything that you hope and dream
stares back at you and it's not reciprocated where imagination meets reality.
At least for me.
Reaching back into my heart and scrambling around for another note.
The small things in an ocean of thought that could go wrong.
The sudden rush of thoughts that prevent such circumvention.
The first step of telling you that I love you.
At least for me.
Seeing your face again, makes it so much easier.
Knowing that you would never let me drown
Social Anxiety *a short poem* smile emoticon
Author note: For those people who don't like reading! Let's face it - not everyone likes reading these days. I do like reading, but not love it...
I miss people far too much haha
If I only had more friends to hang out with during the week,
Would it make me happy?
Happiness from God is what I seek...loneliness doesn't have to be lonely, for it never made me weary or weak
It makes me so alive...
I'm a survivor! I'm braver
Than a bunch of body guards...
Or...at least I thought so, until social angstiety crept on in
On me day and night.
Gotta run away
I wanna hang around
My head all the way
In the without-a-sound ground
Silence is not bliss...
It's painful...nothing that I'll ever miss
When I turn 21, I may drink my life away
If not, wish me a sun-shining day...
Because I want to be happy
Happy
And forget about
Society anxiety
No added doubt
I wanna be free
- J W Earnings (David William Breidenthal)
I don’t know who they are.
I don’t know anyone’s name.
Not a friendly face around.
Not a single face I know.
This nervous beating in my chest.
How will I fit in with the rest?
People are all around,
which is why I feel so alone.
I wanna leave.
I need to go home.
Please don’t make me talk.
Please don’t make me stay.
Please just let me walk,
before I run away.
I’m searching for an exit.
Any escape will do.
Why was I left here by myself,
when I came with you?
You know I can’t handle this.
Me and people don’t mix.
The nervousness is winning,
the walls are closing in.
I don’t know this group,
I only need a friend.
You said you’d be a minute,
my watch says it’s been ten.
I’m worried now as more people show up,
and still no sign of you.
Freaking out, just short of hysteria,
is the best that I can do.
I can’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry I need to leave.
Being in this situation seems the worst thing for me.
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